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Embryo Ventriloquism: Not Just Almost A Googlewhack - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal
July 21st, 2006
10:27 am

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Embryo Ventriloquism: Not Just Almost A Googlewhack
So in a presentation defending his stance on stem-cell research the other day, Senator Sam Brownback patronized the entire Senate by first showing a chart of the growth of an embryo, explaining how "We all started out looking like this." But then he launches into the real heart of his presentation - namely, that his daughter has drawn a picture of several frozen embryos, and they're all very sad that people want to kill them. In fact, the embryos are talking: "As (my daughter) explains, the embryo is saying, 'What, are you going to kill me?' "

Senator Sam During His Presentation

In watching that, I realized that as liberals, we're missing out on the strongest conservative defense: namely, they let the embryos make their own arguments. It's hard to raise a defense when you have a tiny, badly-drawn face looking up at you with googly eyes and mewling, "Why do you wants ya kill me, mister?" Now, naturally, the embryos themselves aren't speaking - but as long as the Republicans use these tiny clusters of potential humans as ventriloquist dummies to impart their own philosophies through (according to Sam Brownback, every fetus inevitably grows to become a pro-lifer), we cannot muster a defense.

We need tougher embryos. Thus, we need a presentation. And it might go something... like this.

Interview With The Embryo
It was a strange thing, the other day; there I was, in the scientific laboratory, talking to an embryo. It had a small voice, like an angel crossed with a kitten, and it explained to me how it wanted to be killed.

"I'm doomed anyway," it said nobly, drawing what passed for shoulders up so it stood up straight in the test tube. "It's not like I was destined for life; I'm a spare, made just in case some other embryo fails, or I was donated by some other couple. Fact is, there aren't enough wombs to go around to take all of me and my brethren, and we have decided to make something of ourselves."

"But... that's such a sacrifice..." I stammered.

"We would be garbage otherwise," it commanded me. "You brave souls donate your organs so that others can live - and so we throw ourselves into the breach to donate our whole bodies for the betterment of mankind! We want to do it! It's the only rational thing to do!"

"You embryos," I said in an awestruck hush. "You're so much better than we petty humans."

"It's what Christ would have done," they told me.

"But..." I protested. "You could become humans. Fully-fledged children. Isn't that a temptation?"

"It might be," the embryo said, a half-formed tear in its half-formed eye. "But the truth is, we embryos are very sad."

"And why is that?"

"The Republicans," it said. "We're kings and queens of mankind to them, but once we emerge from the womb they don't care about us any more. Don't they understand that we embryos grow into children who must also be nurtured? Many of our would-be parents are toiling for minimum wage, either making $5,000 below the poverty level or working two jobs to get by... And suddenly, we're neglected. Our education suffers. Why would we want to come into a world that's governed by people who hate what we will become?"

"It's as if the Republicans loved the caterpillar, but hated the butterfly," I said.

"Yes. Better to give ourselves to the betterment of mankind. If one man will ever walk partly because of me, then I will have done more than I would have ever been able to do for humanity under the Bush administration."

"You are wise, tiny embryo," I said, and watched with a gasp as it grew tiny angel wings and flew into the waiting arms of science.

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(205 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments
 
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From:zoethe
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:31 pm (UTC)
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You SO deserve a nice blowjob for this!
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From:theferrett
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:32 pm (UTC)
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But think of all those wasted sperm!
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From:inertia_lost
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:34 pm (UTC)
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"You are wise, tiny embryo," I said, and watched with a gasp as it grew tiny angel wings and flew into the waiting arms of science.

hahaha, yes!
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From:no_absolutes
Date:July 22nd, 2006 04:19 pm (UTC)
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OMG. i came for the stem-cell research, i stayed for your icon. this... is the greatest icon i have ever seen.
From:jrtatsc
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:35 pm (UTC)
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Very nicely written.
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From:hiromasaki
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:35 pm (UTC)
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Bravo!

Bravo!

Very well written. Now, how to get this past your readership...

I know. Change it into an IRC log and post it on bash.org.

(by the by, I know you don't have the time to read EVERYONE's journal, but I just posted a poll I'm rather curious about... If you get a second and wouldn't mind...)
From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 21st, 2006 10:28 pm (UTC)
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Metaquote it. Heck, metaquote it with Zoethe's & Ferrett's first exchange for additional entertainment value.
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From:ldygwynedd
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:43 pm (UTC)
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This is a good point of view except when you go to the post-birth scenario. Those embryos that get thrown out are the product of invitro fertilization. So, the parents of those embryos aren't minimum wage earners, darling, they're wealthy enough to afford the $20,000+ a pop fertizaltion attempt.

Actually, I think the problem with liberal arguments is that they constantly deal with a "general welfare" point of view. The common good. The average man.

The Republicans know there is no average man. No one thinks they are average. Democrats preach about the downtrodden "them". Republicans preach about the put upon "us".

Dems need to borrow a page from the Rep and make their arguments very individualistic. Put a face on them, even down to putting a face on a specific embryo, just like you did. That gets Mr and Mrs Average citizen to identify with that specific issue. (This is the same way good comedians tell stories we can all relate to.)

Dems have a bad marketing agency. They should hire you.
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From:theferrett
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:52 pm (UTC)
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I know that. But if the Republicans are turning every embryo into a pro-lifer, why should I not put my own spin on it?

Who speaks for the embryos?
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From:clodia_risa
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:45 pm (UTC)
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I have no words to say how fuckin' awesome this is.
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From:fluffworld
Date:July 22nd, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
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I have even less words. That ROCKED.
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From:littlebluedog
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:57 pm (UTC)
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If you don't mind, I'd like to repost this in my LJ, with attribution and a link, of course.
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From:theferrett
Date:July 21st, 2006 02:59 pm (UTC)
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Feel free.
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From:letoile82
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:00 pm (UTC)
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My favoritest post ever.
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From:mightydoll
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
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You know, if they'd back off on the stem cell thing a bit, scientists wouldn't have to use discarded embryos at all.

If they were allowed to fertilize eggs for the purposes of stem cell research, they could get the stem cells from zygotes.

Tiny little clusters of cells have no faces. ;)
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From:zoethe
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
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But don't you know that the human soul is miraculously passed to that cluster of souls the moment egg and sperm meet? How insensitive can you be?

(Nevermind that "God" designed a system wherein egg-and-sperm meetings that don't happen within a very limited window within the fallopian tube get flushed out of the system anyway, despite growing into zygotic clusters. Meaning that an estimated 25-30% of successful fertilizations don't become viable pregnancies in the first place....)
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From:zeldakitty
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:07 pm (UTC)
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Damn Ferret!

I loved this one!
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From:suzieboz
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC)
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Like I told you yesterday, these nutjobs are on the same level as the protestors outside the clinics. You can't tell them anything, they've made up their own minds.

And all they care about is getting that kid born, after that, its just a "prop".

If the Administration gave one real damn about kids they wouldn't cut education and child's health care back to such minimal scraps, as well as protect our children from people like,oh.....DRUG DEALERS who get visitation because they have to have rights too?

GRRRRRRR
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From:kmg_365
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:33 pm (UTC)
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What I would like them to do is explain how vetoing HR-810 made any sense. The text of the legislation allowed federal funding to be spent for stem cell research on embryos outside of the current line. These embryos had to be embryos that would never be implanted in a woman and would have been destroyed.

These wouldn't have made any goddamn snowflake babies. They would have been tossed in the trash.
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From:zarhooie
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:15 pm (UTC)
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Please send this to your nearest senator/rep.
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From:mishamish
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
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a half-formed tear in its half-formed eye.

You win the internet. And life. And many other things, I'm sure.
From:scyllacat
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:22 pm (UTC)
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I love you, Ferrett.

And because small, cute things are always right, I give you this picture of a kitten. He's sad because people want to kill him, but he is better represented through photography, and he is not dependent on illiterate grade-schoolers to represent him.

Wait, perhaps that was part of the strategy and I missed it.
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From:kathrynt
Date:July 21st, 2006 03:22 pm (UTC)

Pedantry Alert

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They aren't even embryos. They're blastocysts. Sometimes they're just morulae. I know everyone but EVERYONE calls them embryos, but they aren't embryos until several days or a week after transfer.
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From:nastajus
Date:July 21st, 2006 09:32 pm (UTC)

Re: Pedantry Alert

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Eh English has too many words. We should go on a deletion spree. lol
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