Here's the last thing you need to know about the Blog-A-Thon:
After it was all over, I had been up for thirty-eight hours straight. Gini and I had tried to get a nap, but despite some sweet, sweet (and quiet) lovin', neither of us had it in ourselves to drop off.
So we stayed up. And I have never been good at staying up all night long. I tend to melt down emotionally - and sure enough, right on schedule, I had a near-total collapse at the end of the Blog-A-Thon. Suddenly, all of my friends seemed to have deserted me, and I was hurt and wounded for no good reason. I was in total despair. Not only were my friends excluding me because I was stupid, but in an hour they would go home but I had to stay up for another four hours for the stupid Type One coverage I had promised to edit. I was exhausted, and cranky, and idiotic...
When it was all done, however, there was a moment of supreme joy and happiness. I finished, and slumped in my chair, and everyone had a little cheer. I was surrounded by friends; there was Chris sitting next to me, and Dmitri and Melissa, and Kat and Eric, and of course my lovely wife. They had some idea I was in an utter trauma zone, mainly because they were reading my journal, then looking over at me with concern. I was withdrawn and had the little "worry-crease" (as Melissa calls it) in my forehead, and mumbling a lot.
Kat leaned over. "Ferrett, would you like a massage?"
I looked up, dazed. "I gotta finish this article for SCG," I said, "But after that, yeah."
After the edit and post, I got up, and there was this strange moment of triumph; now, everyone in the room looked satisfied, and it hit me for the first time that I had done it. $2,600 for charity had been collected, and all of my friends were proud to have been a part of it. I could see the delight on their faces. I had, apparently, done something good, since none of this would have started if I hadn't said, "Hey, shadesong, how do I sign up?"
I laid down, hugging a pillow, completely wiped. Kat straddled my back and began tweaking, telling me how tense I was. Melissa agreed, and she knelt down before my head and began rubbing my temples, whispering words of encouragement in my ear.
It is hard at the best of times to feel depressed when you have two cuties rubbing your body. But at that moment I felt strangely detached and yet totally there, a gladiator after the end of his battle receiving the tribute that was rightly his. Normally, my New England heritage forces me to be a little embarrassed about any sort of public affection, and treat it as a business transaction that must be repaid later... But every last barrier had been broken and I just laid there like a sponge, soaking up every last ounce of attention that was lovingly being dribbled onto me.
Carolyn cried. Kat leapt up, having to attend to the more important people in her life - not that I wasn't critical, but come on, this is her kid. And I meeped a little bit because it was over....
...And then Gini sat down to take over, and Melissa stayed, and I got rubbed a little more. In my mind, that moment will be going on forever; just me and sensation and sets of hands touching me, soothing me, telling me it would be all right.
I'm going to be honest here and say that the Blog-A-Thon is perhaps my best piece of writing ever. It would be good no matter what because frankly, it's what transforms this journal from just a piece of colossal ego into an attempt to give some of my energy back to the world... But really, in those twenty-four hours I think I touched something. My skills deteriorated as the day went on, yes, but I also think that as the barriers slowly crumbled underneath the weight of exhaustion I touched something I didn't before. I don't usually share what I consider to be my psychodrama in my journal, but in charity_whore I managed to share things that I would have never shared elsewhere.
It was honest, and open, and truer than you'll probably ever see in here. I look back at it now with more awake eyes, and I am proud.
I did well. I did Tommy proud. And that is something I am grateful for.
If any of you donated and haven't been added to charity_whore yet, please let me know; it's a mistake, I assure you, and I'm eager to correct it. If you haven't seen this stuff and would like to, it's not too late to donate; it will remain restricted (though I may unlock certain entries much later on), but the bulk of it will only be available to those who donated. It's only fair.
Also, if I promised to psychoanalyze your journal, that's still open. Just leave a message in the comments that you want it done, and I'll do it sometime over the next two weeks. You paid your money, and I fill my debts.
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