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“…But You Get The Honey Badger For Free!” - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal
February 5th, 2013
10:35 am


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“…But You Get The Honey Badger For Free!”

“I’d like to buy this television.  It’s got the high definition I’m looking for.”

“Good news!  This wide-screen TV also comes with a complimentary honey badger, at no charge!”

“…a honey badger?  Isn’t that, like, the meanest animal on earth?”

“We prefer to think of it as ‘fuzzy-wuzzy destruction.’  But it’s totally free!  You’ll pay absolutely nothing to have in your home, destroying your couch!  Biting you in your sleep!  Devouring your other pets and vomiting up their bones!”

“Can I just have the television?”

“No, no, you don’t get to decline.  We’ve already put the honey badger in your car.  It’s chewed off the knobs on your radio, so you’ll definitely need the additional entertainment of this brand new television!”

“Couldn’t I just buy another television?”

“Did you not say that this TV had the high definition you were looking for?”


“Then I think your choice is clear.  Sign here.  Quickly!  Before the honey badger gnaws through your brake line.”

“All right, fine.  But what do I feed my honey badger?”

“Neighbors.  Homeless people.  Ultimately, nosy policemen.”

Now, obviously, this is a silly example, but I see too many people in relationships with a single, extremely positive aspect  – great sex, a partner with a good job,  a lover who tolerates your depression, a partner who would do anything for you.

…then there’s the honey badger.

The honey badger represents all the things that don’t work about this relationship – the furious outbursts, the emotional withdrawal by way of punishment, the sneering disdain of all your other passions, possibly even physical abuse.  There’s usually more than one in this kind of relationship.  And when you point out how obscenely dysfunctional this pairing is and how ultimately unhappy it makes them, they always say the same thing:

“But s/he gives me X.  I just can’t find X anywhere else.”

And that’s the hi-definition television at work.  Yes.  You can find that good aspect elsewhere, and almost certainly housed in a better boy/girlfriend.  Just like there are thousands of televisions that have hi-def cables, there are tons of people who can provide you with great sex or financial stability or depressive support.

Now, it’s scary that you’ll have to go looking, which is a distinct pain in the ass, because I’m not going to tell you that these folks are common.  No, you’ll have to do your due diligence here, comparison shopping at a lot of stores, doing online research, checking Craigslist for surprise bargains.  It’s a lot of work, and some days, yes, you may despair.

But your current television comes with a free honey badger to wreck your life… and there’s no separating the two.  Take the good sex, the honey badger is tagging along.  And that honey badger is ripping apart your other relationships, destroying parts of your happiness, forcing you to be always on guard for the next crazy honey badger assault.  And that’s not a good relationship.  That’s actually a terrible relationship with one good upside that you can mistakenly cling to.

But there are other honey badger-free televisions with the same features.  You can find a better TV somewhere – maybe not one with all the options you had before, and it’ll be a little scary learning to handle the new remote control, but you’ll find this new honey badger-free television has its own upsides you’ll grow to love.

And more importantly, you don’t have to spend your life managing some crazy-ass beast.

Seriously, though.  There are millions of human beings out there, each with their own benefits.  I’m not saying people are interchangeable – they’re not.  But when your lover is shredding your life from the inside, it doesn’t matter how clear this rerun of “Frasier” looks.  It’s time to go.

Cross-posted from Ferrett's Real Blog.

This entry has also been posted at http://theferrett.dreamwidth.org/280104.html. You can comment here, or comment there; makes no never-mind by me.


(42 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 03:50 pm (UTC)
Of course, though, there are people who would be bored as shit in a relationship without the honey badger.
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 04:44 pm (UTC)
Indeed. There should be Honey Badger Addict support groups.
Date:February 5th, 2013 04:24 pm (UTC)
Maybe I'm just not awake enough, but I really thought this post was going to be about electronics.

[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 11:56 pm (UTC)
heh me too. i thought he was going to go off on a tear about commercials - but wait there's more! - or something.
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 05:17 pm (UTC)
So, surely someone's linked you to Captain Awkward by now, yes/yes? ;)

She's written about this kind of thing a lot. ;)
[User Picture]
Date:February 6th, 2013 01:39 am (UTC)
Captain Awkward's linked to me, and I to the Captain. I do a little dance every time I get a Retweet from that front, no lie. Big fan here.
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 05:22 pm (UTC)
How do you draw a distinction between this and something like depression? It's a personal battle, but it can still create unpredictability and destruction in a relationship.
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 05:26 pm (UTC)
That would be a personal decision to make - whether what you get from a relationship outweighs the costs.

The important thing, to me, is that people recognise that they are making a choice. If the TV comes with a slightly incontinent dog, is that liveable with? If it comes with a terribly cute dolphin that needs an expensive tank to live in, is that liveable with?

Every TV comes with an annoying animal of some kind, the kind you can cope with is not the same kind I can cope with.
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 05:50 pm (UTC)
"But when your lover is shredding your life from the inside, it doesn’t matter how clear this rerun of “Frasier” looks. It’s time to go."

Yes. Thank you
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 07:32 pm (UTC)
You know, sometimes, a careful consideration of math is called for. There are a lot of humans in the world, and no, you don't have to spend your life managing a honey badger.
[User Picture]
Date:February 6th, 2013 01:45 am (UTC)
No one should have to, really. Even though it means lonely honey badgers.
[User Picture]
Date:February 5th, 2013 08:59 pm (UTC)
Immediately imagined:

"Excuse me, I understand you're using honey badgers as metaphors without their consent. I'm with PETA. --I'm also single."
[User Picture]
Date:February 6th, 2013 01:45 am (UTC)
Date:February 6th, 2013 04:32 am (UTC)
So how do you determine whether or not you've received a honey badger?
Date:February 6th, 2013 11:31 pm (UTC)
Check the knobs on your radio?
Date:February 6th, 2013 11:32 pm (UTC)
Man, fuck shopping for TVs. I'll just stare at the wall.
[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2013 11:44 am (UTC)
I wish I'd read this when I was seventeen.

The catch, though, is that you must believe another tv would accept you as an owner. My self esteem was not that high back then. Honey Badger wasn't helping me build any, either.
[User Picture]
Date:February 10th, 2013 10:06 pm (UTC)
you're a cosplay badger fan

There was me having forgotten what spitting tea through both nostrils feels like... bravo, Sir, bravo.
[User Picture]
Date:February 17th, 2013 10:57 pm (UTC)
You could literally be writing about my life with my best friend right now. Which I knew prior to this article, and I'm not proud of.

I seem to have a knack for attracting honey badgers, and I'm generally too terrified of losing what they have to offer and not being able to find a replacement to get away from them. (That, and I'm incredibly forgiving to the point of apologizing for or rationalizing away for the behavior of others - "they're just upset", "they don't realize they're hurting me", etc.) Basically, I am covered in honey and wondering why the badgers keep finding me. (Only not really.)

I always tell myself that if/when I start actually having romantic relationships, I'd never get in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend, or that I'd leave it immediately if I did because I am a Strong Independent Woman who doesn't take any shit - and then I look at the state of my friendships and go who the fuck am I kidding? I'm lucky not to have any prospects because they would be badgers.
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