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Shattered Things Function Sometimes: A Love Letter - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal
June 20th, 2011
10:56 am


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Shattered Things Function Sometimes: A Love Letter
I love Gini because she knows that I am broken. She doesn't try to tell me how everything's fine, or my life is proof that I'm not broken - she understands that inside me is a fundamental weakness so flawed that it's taken me years to work around it. She understands that every day I have to patrol the boundaries of my own flaws like a repairman, continually checking the constructs I have piled around my deeps flaws to jury-rig it into functioning for another year.

I love Gini because she admits that she doesn't have infinite love. The love ran out, once, in our relationship, when I wasn't patrolling the barriers of my brokenness and almost needied her to death. The like stayed, which was why Gini stuck around long enough for loves to regenerate... But in the clear-eyed moments of our relationship, Gini looks at me and tells me yes, you're broken, you'd better fix that shit before it starts chewing up the love again.

Gini understands that when I act according to my nature, I destroy friendships in childish ways. She understands my history is full of alienated friends and destroyed relationships, all because I didn't pay enough attention to what I was doing this. She understands that part of my brokenness is that I have wrong instincts that lead to monstrous actions. She understands that if I appear wise on paper, it's because I have to spend so much time in self-analysis, because I have to intellectually work my way through to a proper action.

And I love Gini because unlike all the people who spend their time telling me how I'm not broken, when repairs are needed Gini picks up the hammer and is by my side jury-rigging that endless, abhorrent brokenness within me - knowing that this repair won't last forever, that we're always just spackling the cracks in a dam that's forever on the edge of bursting, and that's okay because she loves me and is going to do what it takes to stave off the inevitable for another day.

I love Gini because in the end, she always comes through.

This entry has also been posted at http://theferrett.dreamwidth.org/119412.html. You can comment here, or comment there; makes no never-mind by me.

(14 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 03:06 pm (UTC)
I read this and couldn't help but think, I want a Gini.
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 05:30 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 06:41 pm (UTC)
That is exactly what I was planning to post when I clicked to comment. XD

[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC)
This is really lovely. I have a Gini, and I also lost someone I thought was a Gini lately. (Ah, poly.) I am so glad you are able to write to your Gini right now. :)
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 03:39 pm (UTC)
Ginis are very special and wonderful people.
But so are broken Ferretts, who, unlike many of the not so broken, at least do the work to try to make it better, for themselves and others.

Love you.
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 04:15 pm (UTC)
I love you. You are not perfect, and neither am I, but together we have great awesome love.
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 05:41 pm (UTC)
Ayup. That's what works.

I got me a Lis, who works in similar ways. I like to think that I get to do that for her, too.
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 06:00 pm (UTC)
I, too, am a broken man. I have to monitor myself to stay "on track." Fortunately, my partner is also broken, but in different ways.

We understand each other's problems and forgive them, which may be why our relationship has stayed strong for 13 years. We can be honest with each other about things we would not discuss with anyone else.

We also forgive each other all the time.

But it is tough living with serious flaws I would dearly love to be rid of.
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 06:32 pm (UTC)
Anyone who says that lasting relationships don't require work is in denial. This process, this work of shoring up our flaws against the tide *together*, is where the true strength of love lies.
[User Picture]
Date:June 23rd, 2011 04:56 am (UTC)
Sometimes it doesn't feel like work, even when it's hard. Those are the times that make people day things like that.
[User Picture]
Date:June 20th, 2011 10:44 pm (UTC)
There are people who had been in my life that I wish had as much self awareness as you do. It's not a perfect process but knowing what you are capable of doing and accepting some things you have done in the past were not good things makes a *huge* difference imo.
[User Picture]
Date:June 21st, 2011 04:13 am (UTC)

This is beautiful.
[User Picture]
Date:June 21st, 2011 09:54 pm (UTC)
This may be the most beautiful love letter I've ever read. Ferret is Lucky to have Gini. Gini is lucky to have Ferret. I am lucky to get to read about it.
[User Picture]
Date:June 25th, 2011 06:41 am (UTC)
You may be broken, but you are a responsible broken, and that is pretty awesome. <3
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