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The Ferrett's Rules For Picking Up Chicks - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal
October 20th, 2003
08:02 pm


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The Ferrett's Rules For Picking Up Chicks

...okay, not really. But I was thinking of this cartoon (thanks go to andrewducker), and then I posted a reply in someone else's journal about the variety of small, shivering men who hang around with women and yet never seem to get laid, and I figured it might be a separate post.

Here's the secret of sex: You don't care about it, yet you do.

Paradoxical, I know, but bear with me. I'm gonna break this down into a couple of core rules about how to approach relationships.

Rule #1:
The first rule of getting laid is to realize that sex is not love. Sex is a bodily function, just like food or taking a dump. It's a little bit more intricate because you have to negotiate sex with another person, and sex creates an extreme level of intimacy that's hard to match...

But in the end, sex is just organic piston action.

Don't get me wrong. You can make it more. You can add layers of love and affection to genital interaction, and arguably should try, but they're not there by default.

Expecting every dick-dippin' to be the Earth-Shattering Lovefest is as stupid as expecting every Big Mac to be like Thanksgiving.

Before you go any further in life, you need to know this right now: Sex alone will not save your relationship. Sex alone will not cause someone to fall in love with you. Sex alone is nothing.

Sexual attraction means even less.

A lot of loner losers think that just because they've got a hard-on for their latest lustpuppy that they have to make themselves be in love. That's not true; you can hang around her all day, but you've gotta be honest about your emotions. To do otherwise is a recipe for disaster, especially since they frequently break the next rule....

Rule #2:
Never hang around someone just because you want to bang them.

This is the tough one that they never get. "She's perfect," they whisper, floating on air. "She's beautiful and sweet and infinitely sexy."

No. No she's not. She's human, and chances are she's slightly fucked up. (I say this because 99% of all humanity can be categorized as "slightly fucked up.")

Take a moment. Ignore that silky soft hair. Ignore that slight tremor in your crotch area. Consider, for a moment, that Your Girl was an ugly guy with genital warts and bad breath.

Would you be friends with this person?

If the answer is "no," then get the fuck out. It's bad enough when you hang around someone you like and can't get any.... But when you hang around someone who irritates you (or worse yet, makes you angry) and are failing to get trim? You'll feel like the biggest loser on the face of the planet.

And you know what? You are.

I hear it all the time. "I was so nice to her," they say bitterly after the breakup. "Do you know what I did for her? I went to her stupid garden shows, and I waited while she tried on clothes, and I did her homework...."

Why the fuck did you do that?

Because you were in love?

Love isn't like. If you don't like someone, it's never going anywhere anyway.

Get some respect. If you wouldn't normally go to a garden show with a friend, don't. If you wouldn't do a guy pal's homework, then don't. Don't do anything you wouldn't normally do for an ordinary friend, and don't tolerate behavior that you wouldn't want to see from your other friends. (And somebody's going to read this and go, "So you're saying you should be a dick to women." No. Read what I'm fucking saying, you idiot; I'm saying don't extend them privileges you're uncomfortable giving.)

If you're enduring her antics in expectation of a future attraction that will never come, then you're in deep trouble.

The whole point of any relationship is that it starts from friendship first. If you don't have friendship, you're building a stone castle on cotton candy. Trying to forge a bridge between two people based on your erection alone is insanity.

Rule #3:
Tell them you want to bang them, but be okay with the answer.

Too many morons keep their attractions hidden. "If I hang around her quietly," they think, "Eventually she'll notice how good I've been and kiss me!"

Bzzt. Wrong answer. At best, she'll come crying to you after a breakup, and then sleep with you because you're the emergency attraction case, and then leave you again. You'll be heartbroken.

At worst? Well, there's two scenarios. One is where she knows that you're attracted to her, but isn't attracted back, but likes the attention. As such, she'll flirt with you all day to get that little "tee hee" charge, but will never touch you. There will be maddening backrubs, tiny little games, snuggling at night... But no trim. You will go berserk.

But it's even worse when she takes you at your word that this is just a friendship. Then, later on when you make your move and go for some soul-kissin' action, she realizes you've been lying to her all along and kicks your ass out.

And sometimes, she liked you back. But it's too late. You betrayed her trust, and she's not touching you again.

But at the same time, remember Rule #2: Never hang around someone just because you want to fuck them. Every girl you are with should be worthy on their own merits, not just because of a great set of tits. If you're not okay with not sleeping with someone, then you'd best step off or make that abundantly clear by biting the bullet and asking them out on a date.

But the best way - and the one that's led to the greatest number of mutually-satisfying attractions, at least for me - is to be honest about what you'd like, but to simultaneously be okay with nothing. As witness:

"God, you're attractive. You know, if you ever feel like sleeping with me, I'd be available in a heartbeat. But if you're not cool with that, then let's hang around anyway, because the important thing is having a good time."

Women like that when it's honest. They like knowing that someone finds them attractive. And they like the confidence that comes with saying, "Hey, it's cool if you don't."

Hell, I'm married, and I still let women know. "You know, if I wasn't married and you weren't with your husband, I'd dog ya in a heartbeat. We're not going to, of course, but I think you should know the attraction's there."

(And for the record: If someone's in a relationship? Don't fucking do it unless their partner's okay with it. I don't care how distressed she is over her boyfriend, you do not accelerate that relationship's breakup that way. You are not a good person if you fuck her. Talk with her, yes, help her come to terms why she's upset, help her clarify and refine her feelings... But the kind of guys who go, "Well, he wasn't paying attention to her, so I shtupped her" are scum.

(Force her to be honest in her relationship. If she wants to choose you, then make her do it out in the open, not behind closed doors. And I speak as someone who's served as a scummy accelerant many times before.)

Quite frequently, it will lead to something. Maybe not right away, but at some point a month or two down the line you go back and say, "You know, I'd really like to kiss you right now." And quite often, you'll be able to.

And if nothing ever develops? That's fine. Remember, the whole point is to make friends who you like, regardless of whether they spread for you or not. To respect, astoundingly, that a woman can be a vibrant and interesting person even without that little slot between her legs.

Worst case? You have a female who does not find you attractive, yet who is a good friend and confidante.... And who is frequently is able to direct other, more willing, women straight into your arms.

It sounds strange, but not caring about sex is a very powerful tool. Yes, I know, you don't get as much as you want. But flopsweat and desperation ensure that you'll be chasing flitty women until the cows come home. Hanging around friends who you like means that you will get far more sex than you would in other circumstances... And it will be both more mature and more satisfying.

The Ferrett's ultimate commandment is to find women who you like, tell them that you like them, and then be completely okay with whatever happens from there. You would be astounded how many women find that a turn-on.

(111 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

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[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:11 pm (UTC)
I'm hoping every guy who ever wants to "pick me up" reads this. Excellent advice.

[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:14 pm (UTC)
No. No she's not. She's human, and chances are she's slightly fucked up. (I say this because 99% of all humanity can be categorized as "slightly fucked up.")

I prescribe to the theory that all women, including myself, are fucking crazy. The true question is are they 'normal crazy' or scary-run-and-hide crazy. =D

[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 07:07 pm (UTC)
My husband has the following line which explains why so many relationships fail:

All women are crazy.
All men are dumb.

The world makes a lot more sense if you just assume those are true.

[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:14 pm (UTC)
Incidentally, sometimes keeping your attractions secret works. I'm sure someone will post their success story about how they never told her, but then it came out one evening and they've been married for fifteen years.

I'm sure there are people who also change their oil every 20,000 miles and their car runs just fine. We're talking the most likely probabilities, here.
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:17 pm (UTC)
You rock. That is all.
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:23 pm (UTC)
Worked for me!
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:25 pm (UTC)
You know, your advice is imminently practical, reasonable, and funny, but I find it hard to take relationship advice from anyone who talks about "getting trim," even in jest, more than once per post. Where the hell does that particular piece of slang even come from?
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 06:12 pm (UTC)
Tom Lychas. And frankly, I use it because it's funny that guys think that way.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:27 pm (UTC)

As Always...

easier said than done for those of us with self image issues.

But I don't have time to get laid, anyway. I have to get ready to write a novel in a month!
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 09:46 pm (UTC)

Re: As Always...

NanoWritMo rocks
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:30 pm (UTC)
Mmmm-hmmm. Tell it, baby.
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 05:34 pm (UTC)
You would be astounded how many women find that a turn-on.

Works for men, too.
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 07:24 pm (UTC)
Nice user icon lol
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 06:12 pm (UTC)

Re: Doesn't really work

You were one of the people I wrote this for. And I will bet you $20 right here and right now that you didn't follow my advice.

The last time you decided that what I did wouldn't work, you didn't try it. I'm not saying that you must follow everything that I do - I'm cool with ignoring me - but saying, "Well, he's full of shit because I ignored him and he was wrong" isn't the strongest vote for my advice, as far as I'm concerned. You underestimate the galvanizing effects of what I suggested you do.

Excellent article on Sybians, mind you; I think I'm pimping you at some point, whenever it - ahem - comes up.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 06:20 pm (UTC)
Spoken like a true Don Juan...... the only bad thing about this advice is it assumes you're already getting women, just the wrong ones. Sometimes, the wrong person seems like they'd be better than nobody....
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 06:28 pm (UTC)
I would have to disagree. I didn't even have a girlfriend until I was nineteen (or was it twenty?) and it didn't bother me. The first girl that registered on my radar as someone I would want a relationship with was quite happy with my being honest and open with her.

Married her 10 years later, and I'm quite happy that I've been honest with her. :)
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 06:49 pm (UTC)
Now please post the female version of this post (i.e. How To Find A Decent Man). Inquiring minds need to know.
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 07:10 pm (UTC)
I wish I had a clue. Maybe some woman here can pick up the challenge.
Date:October 20th, 2003 06:50 pm (UTC)
Rock on. Very much rock on.

The only issue I have is with the immediate disclosure: there's a whole bunch of timing bits here which need to be covered.

In other words, off hand, there are only handful of friends that I can think of who I am attracted to and could say "By the way, I want to sleep with you, but it's OK if you don't" and not completely kill my chances of sleeping with.


1) People like a challenge. Hell, I like a challenge. If somebody, even somebody that I find attractive, expresses out of the blue that they want to sleep with me, I am slightly less attracted to them. Fucked up, I know, but I don't decide what I find physically attractive.

2) It's creepy unless you're in the right company. It has the potential to make solid friendships... 'weird'. I have several female friends who I would enjoy sleeping with, but won't, because I'm happy with the current situation as it is. It also, with friends that you /do/ want to sleep with, introduces the "Are you only friends with me because you want to sleep with me?" factor. Or the "I think he's desperate" factor, which is a major turnoff.

3) If she says 'No', she's less likely to change her mind in the future. A "I wouldn't sleep with you then, but I will now that you've grown a spine / it's Spring / cut your hair" is possible, though. If I turn somebody down off the bat, and then later change my mind, it's going to look bad for me to say to them "I didn't want to sleep with you before, but now I do".

My opinion? Disclosure is good, but time it well and don't tell everybody that you've got a hard-on for.

I'd like to talk about timing, but I'm not very good at it. It depends on the person, it depends on you, but mostly it depends on how you're both feeling at the time.
[User Picture]
Date:October 20th, 2003 07:06 pm (UTC)
A very good point. Timing is important; you don't do it on the first meeting (except in rare occasions), and you don't wait more than two weeks - and preferably a week. It needs to get out there, but too soon and you're creepy and too late and you're, well... Too late.

However, you pretty much have to tell everyone you have a hard-on for who you intend to make a play for. If they're out of your league and you know you'll never try, then leave it fallow - but otherwise....
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