Yesterday brought the revelation that apparently college kids have been "drinking" vodka by dousing their eyeballs in it. And if you're going to be sousing your sclera, vodka's a good choice; it's clear, so you can see exactly how the harsh chemicals are devouring your cornea whole, it's reasonably free of toxins, and it's cheap as Satan's sale merchandise.

Yet, we asked, what would be the five worst drinks that these brave orbal experimenters no doubt tried soaking their eyes in before settling on vodka? And so we have compiled this handy list of the five worst drinks to eyeball. No, don't thank me; your merry winks show your approval.

5) Tequila.
This doesn't sound too bad until you realize you have to coat your eye in salt, do the shot, and then squirt lime in.

4) Goldschlager.
While it leaves the whites of your eyeballs a dazzling gold foil, the irritation of finding that a piece of metal has worked its way to the back of your retina really isn't worth it.

3) A Screwdriver.
Not as painful as the other citrus-based mixers - the pinnacle of pain is, of course, a Tequila Sunrise - the problem is that you get no sympathy on any front.

"So why does your eyeball hurt?"

"I jammed a screwdriver in it last night."

"Dude, what the hell were you doing, sticking workshop tools in your eye?"

"No, no - vodka and orange juice. I was getting drunk."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

2) Bloody Mary.
Even the ones that are light on pepper and tabasco sauce tend to sting a little once those tomatoes work their way under your eyelid.

And the number one worst drink to have in your eye is....



1) A Flaming Shot.
Self-obvious, really, but tell that to One-Eyelid Oscar.