The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal

A Complete List Of My Professionally Published Fiction

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Visit "My Name Is Might Have Been, co-written by the guy who writes this journal along with World Fantasy Award-nominated author catvalente! Or heck, just friend mynameismight to be alerted when it's updated!



Visit the now-completed www.homeonthestrange.com
written by the guy who writes this journal and illustrated by roniliquidity!


The Ferrett is a grouchy fuck who likes complaining, good movies, corduroy pillows, strange and bizarre stories, the downfall of modern civilization, shoulder rubs, watching bizarre surgical procedures, and in general watching humanity make an ass of itself. Say what you will, but as a form of entertainment you NEVER run out of things to watch.

A Note On Friends: Feel free to friend me. I visit all people who've friended me from time to time, but I only friend you back if I feel I must absolutely see what you say the minute you say it. Otherwise, I drop by when I can. (I used to drop by once a month, but man has my friends list expanded.) I do try to read everyone who's friended me; it's the least I can do.

If you're wondering, "How the fuck did he get that many friends?", here's your answer: The Compleat Guide To LiveJournal Stardom and Fame (plus the followup Whoring For Comments and the serious advice on How To Avoid Psychodrama). Also note that LJ users can tag any of my entries at will - I have given you all full power to label my writings as you please - so go nuts. Just keep in mind that others can overwrite you.

Also, I hate LJ-Cuts. I find them annoying; the only things that should be cut are bandwidth-chewing photos and spoilers. (Speaking of which, here's the official spoiler policy on this journal. Short version: if it's over a decade old, you shoulda seen it by now.) If you have something to say, don't wuss it away behind some cut! If it's as interesting as you think it is, gimme the entire thing. If not, then don't bother. Be warned that should you friend me, I do blather.

If you like my emoticons, the images are stolen directly from The Ferret Tarot, only $14.95 and well worth the money. (I'm not a pagan, but I like ferrets.)

The Complete Ferrett Chronicles
There are some stories I don't write just so I'll have something to say at parties. There's nothing more I hate than launching into one of my old-time classics, then hearing a bored, "Oh yeah - you wrote about that, didn't you?"

Damn. Foiled again. One day I'll run out of witty things to say, and I'll just walk around lamely handing out URLs. "Here ya go, this is funny, read it when you get the time."

But if I were to write my autobiography, at least, most of it would be already in print. Given that I've put most of my amusing anecdotes to paper, the book is half-written. So you wanna know who I am and what I'm about? It's all here.

Beginnings and High School Years

• My Uncle Tommy (friends-only)
• My Dad, and how he affected my life
• My Mom (not yet written)
• My first major crush on a girl
• The day my Aunt Peggy offered me a joint
• The funniest thing that ever happened to me in high school
• How I realized that the only person who made me cool was me (and how I lost my virginity)...
• ....And the philosophy that realization eventually led to
• The day I committed suicide because my girlfriend left me (not written yet)
• The day I decided not to be fat
• My high school reunion ten years later, including the girl who was gorgeous, and why the guy who used to beat me up bought me a drink

College and Drifting

• On my first true love, and how I fucked it up (not written yet), and what she means to me still
• Why I never graduated (not written yet)
• The first article I ever published (be gentle)
• The day I killed the only child I ever had
• My second (and final) suicide attempt
• Why I began dressing in women's clothing
• The wildest sex story I possess
• A very strange story about a very strange chair
• The greatest party I ever attended (not written yet)
• The funniest thing that's ever happened to me
• The day I got a girlfriend by failing to lie to her
• The best breakup I ever had (not written yet)
• Stopping the immense evil of the Smearer

The Disastrous Ann Arbor Years

• How I met Bari (not yet written)
• Why I moved out to Ann Arbor, and what happened there
• The strangeness of working at a place that made money off of celebrity deaths
• The legendarily filthy apartment that we lived in together
• (...and proof that nothing ever really changes)
• The night I hired a hooker (as stupid as it sounds!)
• The day I realized that I was fat, balding, and ugly, meeting the trifecta of grotesquerie
• ... And what happened when I tried to pick up a homeless girl because I felt ugly
• The most embarassing moment of sex play I've ever had
• The day she finally dumped my ass (and rightfully so, may I add - thankfully, she forgave me enough to attend my wedding)

With Gini

• The day I married my wife, and how I met her
• Where we used to live (fuck Canada!), and where we live now
• Why we had problems early on in our marriage
• Finally admitting I needed to go on Paxil (and why I went off it)
• How I settled down and became a bitch
• The day I got neutered
• The day my second ferret died
• Gini and I create a small oasis in our back yard
• Why working at home has made me an evil person
• The most desperate attempt to remain alternative after I cut off my trademark frizzy hair
• My occasional struggles with married life, but the intense love that I have for my wife still shows up once in awhile
• The reason I created my phenomenally-successful sex quiz

The Philosophy Of A Weasel

• Despite my complete ineptitude at picking up women at bars...
• ...why I eventually got a lot of sex....
• ..despite the fact that I was so desperate that why I cheated on every one of my girlfriends...
• ...but, I believe that it's important for you to have sex, and I can show you how.
• Why I am obsessed with porn
• What I believe love is
• Why I drink four liters of carcinogens a day
• The reason you can never change anyone's mind
• The one thing I wish someone had told me early on
• Why New England made me a shy person
• How marijuana completely knocks me on my ass....
• ...and why I quit smoking that shit
• Be warned that using the word "pop" in my presence sends me into a psychotic rage
• Proof that a really good writer can sound forceful, like he really means something, and then do something different when nobody's looking