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The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal

Pop Goes The Weasel 'Cause The Weasel Goes Arf

Created on 2002-09-19 14:22:56 (#711176), last updated 2009-07-12

254,112 comments received, 34,610 comments posted

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5,039 Journal Entries, 1,000 Tags, 0 Memories, 8 Virtual Gifts, 19 Userpics

Basic Info

Name:	The Ferrett
Birthdate:	1969-07-03
Location:	Cleveland, Ohio, United States
Website:	The Ferrett's Domain

Contact:

theferrett@theferrett.com

Bio

Visit the brand-new webcomic "My Name Is Might Have Been, co-written by the guy who writes this journal along with World Fantasy Award-nominated author

yuki_onna!

Or heck, just friend

mynameismight to be alerted when it's updated!

Visit the now-completed www.homeonthestrange.com
written by the guy who writes this journal and illustrated by

roniliquidity!

My Flickr stream
My very snarky reviews of Cleveland restaurants
The Ferrett is a grouchy fuck who likes complaining, good movies, corduroy pillows, strange and bizarre stories, the downfall of modern civilization, shoulder rubs, watching bizarre surgical procedures, and in general watching humanity make an ass of itself. Say what you will, but as a form of entertainment you NEVER run out of things to watch.

A Note On Friends: Feel free to friend me. I visit all people who've friended me from time to time, but I only friend you back if I feel I must absolutely see what you say the minute you say it. Otherwise, I drop by when I can. (I used to drop by once a month, but man has my friends list expanded.) I do try to read everyone who's friended me; it's the least I can do.

If you're wondering, "How the fuck did he get that many friends?", here's your answer: The Compleat Guide To LiveJournal Stardom and Fame (plus the followup Whoring For Comments and the serious advice on How To Avoid Psychodrama). Also note that LJ users can tag any of my entries at will - I have given you all full power to label my writings as you please - so go nuts. Just keep in mind that others can overwrite you.

Also, I hate LJ-Cuts. I find them annoying; the only things that should be cut are bandwidth-chewing photos and spoilers. (Speaking of which, here's the official spoiler policy on this journal. Short version: if it's over a decade old, you shoulda seen it by now.) If you have something to say, don't wuss it away behind some cut! If it's as interesting as you think it is, gimme the entire thing. If not, then don't bother. Be warned that should you friend me, I do blather.

If you like my emoticons, the images are stolen directly from The Ferret Tarot, only $14.95 and well worth the money. (I'm not a pagan, but I like ferrets.)

The Complete Ferrett Chronicles
There are some stories I don't write just so I'll have something to say at parties. There's nothing more I hate than launching into one of my old-time classics, then hearing a bored, "Oh yeah - you wrote about that, didn't you?"

Damn. Foiled again. One day I'll run out of witty things to say, and I'll just walk around lamely handing out URLs. "Here ya go, this is funny, read it when you get the time."

But if I were to write my autobiography, at least, most of it would be already in print. Given that I've put most of my amusing anecdotes to paper, the book is half-written. So you wanna know who I am and what I'm about? It's all here.

Beginnings and High School Years

My Uncle Tommy (friends-only)
My Dad, and how he affected my life
My Mom (not yet written)
My first major crush on a girl
The day my Aunt Peggy offered me a joint
The funniest thing that ever happened to me in high school
How I realized that the only person who made me cool was me (and how I lost my virginity)...
....And the philosophy that realization eventually led to
The day I committed suicide because my girlfriend left me (not written yet)
The day I decided not to be fat
My high school reunion ten years later, including the girl who was gorgeous, and why the guy who used to beat me up bought me a drink

College and Drifting

On my first true love, and how I fucked it up (not written yet), and what she means to me still
Why I never graduated (not written yet)
The first article I ever published (be gentle)
The day I killed the only child I ever had
My second (and final) suicide attempt
Why I began dressing in women's clothing (not written yet)
The wildest sex story I possess
A very strange story about a very strange chair
The greatest party I ever attended (not written yet)
The funniest thing that's ever happened to me
The day I got a girlfriend by failing to lie to her
The best breakup I ever had (not written yet)
Stopping the immense evil of the Smearer

The Disastrous Ann Arbor Years

How I met Bari (not yet written)
Why I moved out to Ann Arbor, and what happened there
The strangeness of working at a place that made money off of celebrity deaths
The legendarily filthy apartment that we lived in together
(...and proof that nothing ever really changes)
The night I hired a hooker (as stupid as it sounds!)
The day I realized that I was fat, balding, and ugly, meeting the trifecta of grotesquerie
... And what happened when I tried to pick up a homeless girl because I felt ugly
The most embarassing moment of sex play I've ever had
The day she finally dumped my ass (and rightfully so, may I add - thankfully, she forgave me enough to attend my wedding)