The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal

Interesting Reading On Thanksgiving Day

theferrett@theferrett.com — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 16:56:25 GMT

The Unwritten Rules of Generational Poverty.

While you could argue some of the specifics in the article, I think there's a greater truth here in that a significant amount of poverty is cultural. I'm lucky enough to come from a "rich" family, but my rich family is largely rich because of investing decisions thanks to lessons taught to them by their parents - and in turn, my family passes down those lessons on how to use money wisely. My Grampa nagged me into getting an IRA account, my parents yelled at me to get my 401k maxed out at work, my stepfather sat down with me and discussed how to lay out a portfolio. And even now, I'm using my Mom's trick of "If you get a raise and your expenses haven't risen, keep living on what you had and put all the extra money into savings/investments." (That took like fifteen years to get to, but I remembered it.)

I'm reasonably sloppy by their standards, but even when I was making $18,000 a year I still tried to put money away and invest whatever meager windfalls I got. And it's helped.

Whereas I've seen people who come from poor families, and they do have a different mindset - some of which overlaps with what's described in the article. It's often a "Well, stuff's gonna happen, whatcha gonna do?" It's a mindset which leaves them much more vulnerable to bumps in the road, and we all have bumps.

This isn't saying that poor people deserve their poverty, of course, and that rich people are all smart. Rich covers a lot of stupid financial sins, like spackle, and the smartest person can get jostled out of their best savings plan when they're living close to the edge. But I think a lot of people are poorer than they could be, thanks to them lacking a cultural education in how to plan for the future.

I wish there was a way to have the quiet lessons I've been taught spread a little further out, is all. And on Thanksgiving, I'm grateful to come from a background where that stuff was just a subtle, continual lesson.

Stupid Twitter Enthusiasm

theferrett@theferrett.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:06:40 GMT

Earlier today, I made this Twitter post:

Straight men who dislike cunnilingus and fluoridation conspiracy theorists: two groups I'm surprised to find still exist.

And then, an hour later, I made this post:

I'd be more excited about Google Wave if I saw people expressing interest AFTER they got their invite.

Ever since then, I've been giggling all morning, because people are responding to me about how good Google Wave is, or how they're bored with it already, or how it's just too fiddly to use properly - and every time, I think they're talking about cunnilingus instead.

I am such a child.

The Annual Greed List, 2009 Edition

theferrett@theferrett.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:10:05 GMT

The time has come for my Annual Greed List - the large (and, yes, uncut) list of things I desire for Christmas in 2009. Why do I do this? If you’re really interested, here’s a brief history of the Greed List.

The short version, however, is that I think giving people a bare, unadorned list ("Here's my Amazon wishlist, pick one") is very boring. What you want for Christmas on any given year is a reflection of yourself - your hobbies, your fandoms, you as a person. Why just give people dry greed when you can explain why you want it? And so I put it out there.

I don't expect any of y'all to get me these. But you might like to know what I'm into, and why. These are, incidentally, ordered in descending level of geekiness.

DJ Hero (approx. $100)
I took Gini and aiela to try this out at Best Buy, and what I discovered was how I viewed videogames and how they viewed videogames.

See, DJ Hero is the latest attempt to dorkify music, by putting three buttons on a plastic turntable and asking you to "DJ out" by pressing the buttons in time to various mash-ups of club music. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics of it.

Gini and aiela were bored shitless. The turntable looked really hard to use, the music wasn't particularly thrilling, and they wandered away bored. And I realized what Guitar Hero and Rock Band were to them: it was a way to listen to music with a bit of a challenge thrown in as a slight reward. They liked scaling the charts, of course, but there was a reason neither of them had yet to master the Expert setting - their improvement was all incremental, done a bit at a time, over the course of months.

Whereas I, a hardcore videogamer, looked at DJ Hero differently. What I saw was a new control scheme to be mastered. The music wasn't as instinctively cool as playing Iron Maiden or Boston, but that was incidental to me; what I had in front of me was a new set of skills to run amuck on, and I liked that. For me, the music was the incidental part; what was important was learning how to play this new and interesting game.

So I want DJ Hero for Christmas. This is tricky, because Gini does not want DJ Hero. She says there's too much plastic crap in our house. But I think that, like Jell-O, there's always room for plastic crap. And when I've beaten DJ Hero and don't want to play it any more, I'll put the plastic crap downstairs to be retrieved whenever. So there we go.

A Roomba (Price: Depends)
Grant Imahara has corrupted me: I have decided that yes, La Casa McJuddMetz needs a robot. And the price of Roombas has come down enough to the point where having a vaccuuming robot is not only cool, but useful - I hate vaccuuming, but I hate icky floors, and so I am continually caught between an awful duty and things sticking to my feet.

Do I need a Roomba, in the traditional sense? Absolutely not. But Christmas is all about things you wouldn't quite purchase for yourself. And a Roomba is, in fact, exactly this. Extra points if it comes with an Artoo-Detoo skin.

The Twilight Zone: Unlocking The Door To A Television Classic ($50)
This is the kind of book you only get to write when everyone involved with the show is dead: this in-depth analysis of Rod Serling's baby includes expense breakdowns and negotiation information. It's pricey for a book, sure, but it's also the kind of thing where it's utterly amazing to read, and will occupy many much-needed hours within my bathroom.

Sortilege Maple Liqueur ($30)
My Twitter post immediately after I drank this was as such:

I HAVE FOUND JESUS STOP HE IS MAPLE SUGAR WHISKEY FROM CANADA STOP OH PLEASE LET ME TASTE THE MIRACLE IN MY MOUTH

...and I have found no reason to change my opinion since then. The combination of a sugary maple flavor with the richness of whiskey is something you can just drink endlessly, leaving me in a stupefied candy haze that will remove all troubles from my life. Or at least remove my perception of said troubles, which is nearly as good. Until I run out. But you can always buy me more.

Lego Rock Band ($50)
I'll be honest and say that I don't intend on playing this game as it is. It is simply a farm team that will enable me to export all the tracks from it to my regular Rock Band, at which point I will play the crap out of one of my favorite songs of all time ("Crash," by the Primitives), get the room to shout along to "Kung Fu Fighting" on our Rock Band Thursdays, and probably regret picking up a song pack that actually includes "Ghostbusters."

The Larry Sanders Show, First Season ($20)
I really do love Gary Shandling, and I never got a chance to see this while it was on television. The tale of insecure Johnny Carson-wannabe Larry Sanders and his cast of neurotic hangers-on is crisply written, and the few episodes I've seen I've loved. I'd very much like to have this to watch.

Dominion ($30)
I really love board games, even though I never actually get a chance to play them - hell, I still have a birthday present gifted to me by a pal (sorry, daghain) that I have yet to gather people together to play. However, this one, which has been described as "continually drafting cards" sounds like a very good game, that I might be able to convince my currently-abandoned Magic group to get together and play. So this would be cool.

"It's Garry Shandling's Show" - The Complete Series ($150)
Also by Garry Shandling (see above!), the Garry Shandling Show was most famous for its fourth-wall breakouts - including the famous theme song with some of the most awesome TV lyrics ever

This is the theme to Garry's Show
The theme to Garry's show
Garry called me up and asked if I would write his theme song.
I'm almost halfway finished, how do you like it so far
How do you like the theme to Garry's Show?

The only reason this is as far down as it is is that I'm not sure if this holds up as well - though the few episodes I caught on TiVO recently were pretty spiffy.

Band Hero ($50)
The "Hero" series is inferior to Rock Band in most ways: it's harder to use at parties, the songs are more difficult, and the microphone action blows chunks when you're trying to hit notes. However, I hold out the hope that this kiddie version may be less punishing, and it has YMCA. Who's not going to want to play at the YMCA?

Anything From My Amazon Wishlist
It's there. It exists. I don't use it all that much (though I've recently weeded out the ones I already own), but hey. Better'n nothin'.

This Fucking Killed Me

theferrett@theferrett.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:05:24 GMT

The other four Star Wars Facebook statuses are pretty damn good, too.

I Heart!

theferrett@theferrett.com — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:20:58 GMT

"As the wines age in the barrels, they lose a small portion of their alcohol into the air of the caves. This slow evaporation is called, aptly, the Angel's Share."

I LOVE THAT.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Quick Hits

theferrett@theferrett.com — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:26:29 GMT

I'm crazy busy at the moment, but here's a bunch of snippet-bits and links for you:

1) To save myself some money and paper, I bought .PDF files of GUD Magazine to review. And then they sat there for a month because, well, it turns out that .PDFs are the worst file format for me to read. I can read them on my computer, but then that feels like work to me because I stare at my laptop screen for twelve hours a day as it is, so I don't. I can't read a .PDF in the tub or on the bed, my favorite place. And I can read them on the iPhone, but if I do that then someone texts me in the middle and I forget to go back.

So what did I do? Having successfully saved cash by buying a .PDF, I then printed off 211 pages on my printer. Stupidity, thy name is Ferrett.

2) Speaking of GUD, I will be reviewing them this Friday, to go along with their amazing Black Friday sale. They're holding an amazing deal: pay what you want for their magazine, which is a good one. You can wait for me to analyze the stories and style, but why bother? At these prices, it's crazy reading! My advice: do it now.

3) My friend Sean Craven just sold a story to Tor.com! I don't normally announce my friends' sales, but I happened to read this story and the ending brought me to tears. Plus, Sean is a real artistic type in all media, and he gets to do audio for this, so it's gonna be awesome. Watch this space.

4) In less happy news: Borders Books and Music has stopped taking orders on their web site. As a former employee of Borders who's watched the slide downhill over the years financially, this hurts my heart. (Though, apparently, this is just UK Borders, which is now a separate company, which is good. Still, Borders Books and Music the American company? Not doing so well, according to my insider sources.)

5) Debating writing up my Planescape one-shot adventure so other people can run it. Not sure if there's really interest in that, though.

6) Coming up with my Christmas list this year. Hey, is there anything cool you've seen that you should think I want?

Killing Me Softly With Twitter, Killing Me Softly... With Twitter....

theferrett@theferrett.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:04:23 GMT

So an hour ago, I wrote this in my Twitter stream:

Freedy Johnson just feels like one of those guys who peers into my soul whenever he writes music. Ray Davies, too.

In days past, I probably would have made that into a journal entry, asking, "What songwriters feel like they're looking over your shoulder into your life?"

But then, to get interesting comments, I'd have to explain why I like Ray Davies and Freedy Johnston so much. Because if I don't elucidate exactly what about them calls to me, then I get two-word comments saying, "Tori Amos" and no explanation as to what about her people find interesting. (Not that I could ever understand Tori's appeal; any enjoyment I once had for her was cauterized out of me by an ex-girlfriend playing the entirety of "Little Earthquakes" at me against my will well over two hundred times.) Unless I lead by example, my interaction with people will be boring.

Which, in turn, means that I have to spend some time thinking about why I love Freedy so much. Is it his plaintive, not-very-good-but-earnest voice? His way of writing lyrics that show a quiet, hopeful desperation in the midst of poverty and woe? His expressiveness? And then I'd have to write that up, and find a way to make it interesting, and damn, I have things to do this morning.

So I Twitter it, and get no responses on Twitter and maybe three responses on Facebook, and am satisfied for the effort it took. I could have made that into a real post, I guess, but I gotta move on today. Maybe tomorrow.

Writing: Monday Musings, Because I Don't Have Time For A Real Essay

theferrett@theferrett.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:24:16 GMT

I've had a hell of a time writing anything this month, and it's led to an interesting pair of thoughts in my evolution as a writer.

The first is that I'm starting to get writers' block, which in my case consists of looking at the page continually and going, "No! That is not good enough." I am now a decent enough writer that I can often see the flaws as I'm writing it, and trying to fix them all is leaving me with two sentences for a day's work. Which is kinda crap, since these sentences aren't notably better than what I started with.

I must remember what matociquala said: It's okay to suck. I've been hurling myself into the basement and saying, "All right, self, let's start suckin'." Which helps.

The other thing is that for me, writers' block is often an expression of my reformed Kingist stance on writing. I don't believe in plotting; I like the idea of having a general end goal, but my flaw as a writer is that I get hung up on having people do whatever it takes to advance my plots. I'll get focused on What Needs To Happen next, and find ridiculous ways for the characters to pull the next level on my plot machine. That leads to very stale and unbelievable characterization, which in turn leads to craptacular stories. So the Stephen King design of unearthing a story word by word appeals to me.

And if I can't make a story work, it's often because I'm trying too hard to make the characters do something that they shouldn't and not concentrating on what they would do in the circumstances I've created. Which is a shame, because often what they would do is more interesting.

I'm like a bad DM, demanding my PCs enter the Evil Temple Of The Soul-Eating Demon with two forks and a piece of string. When my PCs rightfully say, "Fuck this, we're going to die, let's go someplace else and see what we can scrounge up," as the DM I can spend a lot of time trying to justify why they'd enter the Evil Temple unarmed... Or I can let them go where they want, and let everything fall out as it would, even if that means they never get back to the Evil Temple I've spent so much time creating.

That's inherently more interesting, because if my characters are at the Evil Temple with their cutlery and string, the readers are going, "Oh, yeah, this is where they enter and beat the bad guy." When my characters surprise me by saying, "All right, fuck it, let's go get shitfaced and see if a better plan arises," then I surprise the reader.

So when I'm staring at the page until my eyes bleed, what I have to remember is to ask myself is, "Does this really have to happen this way?" Even if, in the case of my latest story, the whole reason I wrote this story is now going to go out the window, that's okay. It turns out this story about bagged broccoli isn't a horror story, but rather a fantastic hopeful story. Rebuild it and make it honest.

I dunno. I still have a long way to go as a writer. Perhaps I always will. All I can do is keep an open mind and try to suck less, and perhaps my eyes will be opened.

Don't Forget!

theferrett@theferrett.com — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:22:46 GMT

If you're in Akron, and want to head to a neat con for charity (and possibly game in a game DMed by Yours Truly), you should go to the Child's Play Fundraiser tomorrow.

Everybody's Workin' For The Weekend

theferrett@theferrett.com — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:25:59 GMT

I remember when I used to live for Sunday comics. The best comics, all in color, in extra-big strips! I couldn't wait! Every morning, I'd rush next door to my Gramma's house and gut that newspaper to find that inky goodness.

Now? Most of my favorite comics are dormant on the weekend. Penny Arcade? MWF. Shortpacked? Monday through Friday. PVP? Well, sorta whenever now, but never on a Sunday. Sheldon does Sunday-style funny strips any day Dave damn well feels like it, and Schlock Mercenary usually has extra panels on Sunday, but will go to a Sunday-styled double- or triple-strip if the plot demands it. Order of the Stick is always a Sunday-style strip, and updates whenever Halley's Comet is in zenith.

So what's left? Doonesbury. That's the only day Doonesbury traditionally has a chance of being laugh out-loud funny these days.

I feel a little sorry, though. The kids these days will have no special attachment to Sunday as a day of extra fun and joy. It will be barren, just another day off to them. Alas! I imagine this is the same feeling people got in the 1940s when they realized the kids would no longer enjoy the special days the milkman delivered fresh milk to their icebox.

Sort Of Depressing

theferrett@theferrett.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:24:51 GMT

It's no secret that I have accounts on swingers' boards to look at cute, local women. But in a decade's worth of cruising and occasionally exchanging emails, not a single one of those accounts has ever led to any sexytime. We met with one couple a few times, nothing clicked - and the rest have either drifted away after a few emails, been so forward that it turned us off ("Come on over to smoke weed and watch porn" isn't something we're really about on a first date), or we just didn't find anything interesting to say.

I suppose we could be swingers, but we don't have time to go any of the three local clubs, man. We've got friends to see! Our weekends are booked!

But there was one woman who emailed who we quite liked. We discussed local restaurants with her, she had wit in her emails, seemed like a cool person. Only problem: she had a husband. And her husband did not know.

This was, of course, a dealbreaker. We said hey, if you ever decide to open up to him, give us a call, but we can't be a participant in someone's affair. She said she understood, and to let her know if we ever changed our mind.

I was cleaning out emails today on said board, and clicked through to her profile. And sure enough, at least two other couples had gotten together with her, writing up little reviews of how she's "attractive," "energetic," a "naughty vixen." Probably more than two, since not everyone leaves reviews. And it just makes me tremendously saddened for no reason to think that somewhere, there's a guy who doesn't know what's going on and would probably be deeply hurt if he knew, and couples who really don't give a fuck as long as they get a fuck.

Doin' The Job Right

theferrett@theferrett.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:11:07 GMT

She'd just gotten the big demotion at work - the kind where you get slapped down so hard, you start reconsidering your job options.

"It was great, at first," she said. "They loved me, they gave me a lot of interesting tasks, I got to do salesman stuff as a receptionist. Then I started this big project, because their files were so out of order they were losing sales. So I spent hours rearranging those damned files, getting them just right - and my boss took me in back today, told me I wasn't doing my job, and gave one of the new salesman all the things I liked doing. But I was doing a good job!"

"No you weren't," I said.

"I totally was," she contradicted me, tipping her beer bottle towards me. "Those files were costing us at least a couple of hundred a week. So all my spare time went towards making their lives better. That's my job."

"No it isn't," I said.

"I was fixing stuff!" she cried. "How can you say I wasn't doing my job?"

"Because your job is always satisfying your boss. Nothing more, nothing less. And if you don't make sure you're getting credit for the work you do, then you're failing. Did you tell your boss about what all this refiling work was going to accomplish?"

"No. He should know that."

"Never assume. Did you tell him you'd spent two hours that day, getting through the Ds, and when you were done the sales people would be able to find their catalogues at a moment's notice to quote accurate prices? Did you tell him how much money this would get him? Did you convince him that he had a problem before you spent all your spare time solving it?"

"No."

"So as far as your boss was concerned, you were dinking around in some cabinet for no reason he knew, while the real work he wanted wasn't getting done. I don't doubt you were improving the business, but your job? Is to make your boss happy. And if you do all this stuff without ensuring that your boss is on-board for everything you do, you are going to fail every time."

"So you're saying I should be a credit hog?"

"I'm saying that if you're doing something right, your boss should know exactly what you're accomplishing. Maybe he didn't think he was losing that many sales because the catalogues were all fucked up. Maybe he was even right. The point is, you were doing all this stuff and assuming that doing 'good work' was enough. But unless you make sure your boss shares your definition of good work, you're fucked."

"So what you're saying is..."

"That you had a pretty shitty boss. He should have known. But for future jobs, which may also have craptacular supervisors, make sure that you do what they want, because they're the guys signing your paycheck. Satisfy their needs, not yours. And whenever possible, talk to them to convince them that they want is what you want - because once you show them a problem you discovered and then you solve it for them, you have done a good job."

"And if my boss won't listen to reason?"

"Either get a new job or change your priorities."

I've been thinking about that conversation a lot lately, because I'm thinking about how Bush satisfied his boss, wherein Obama didn't.

See, Bush took my approach when he wanted to invade 9/11 - he did the ground work of going on the road, getting Colin Powell out there, creating a lot of concern about how Iraq was going to have nuclear weapons at any moment. He spent a lot of time saying, "Hey, America? I know you thought you didn't want a war with Iraq, but lemme tell ya - it's bad. And I can fix it for you. Just gimme the power, and I'll take care of it."

Admittedly, most of that evidence was pretty much either made up or exaggerated to Herculean proportions, and he made the job seem about twenty times simpler than it actually would be, but getting his boss (which is to say, America) on his side first worked. By the time Bush sent troops into Iraq, an overwhelming proportion of America supported the war. And if that war had worked out, Bush would have been hailed as a great leader.

Bush took something that people didn't want, and he sold it to them.

Whereas everyone in America pretty much agrees the health care system is fucked. They might disagree on how to fix it, but most sane people are like, "Christ, we spend twice what other countries do and get about the same level of care for people who can pay - this should be fixed."

But Obama was like my friend at the sales company. He didn't go on a nationwide tour to talk about all the benefits that his programs would bring. He didn't send all of his minions out to flood the press with the stories of how our health care system actually stifled entreprenurial development by putting such a cost on small business owners and making every new company go, "Can I go without health care?" He didn't give grand speeches the way he did during the election on the need for this sweeping change he would be proposing.

Nah, he just went off and did it, assuming that everyone was on the same page and that they trusted him to get it done. And, of course, the Republicans (being smart) rewrote that assumption. Now he's struggling to try to get it through, and burning a lot of political capital.

Bush took a country and convinced them they had a need for something that, initially, they didn't want. Obama took a country that wanted something and is now struggling to give it to them. It's a lesson in satisfying your customer - and when you're an employee, the customer is ultimately your boss.

Weird, Weird, Weird

theferrett@theferrett.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:25:50 GMT

From andrewducker:

"In fact, Star Trek paraphernalia has so routinely been found at the homes of the pedophiles they've arrested that it has become a gruesome joke in the squad room. (On the wall, there is a Star Trek poster with the detectives' faces replacing those of the crew members). This does not mean that watching Star Trek makes you a pedophile. It does mean that if you're a pedophile, odds are you've watched a lot of Star Trek."

In this case, I really wonder whether this trend is replicated anwhere else. The "stats" are from one Toronto police department, so I'd be curious to see whether it's an aberrant cluster or a genuine distinguishing characteristic among child molesters. And it could well be that Star Trek is just something they've glommed onto, a thing they notice now because they're looking for it, and ignoring others that don't fit the profile.

Still, as a mild Trekkie, I'm not going to gut-level defensive and shout, "OMG, I LIKE STAR TREK AND I'M NOT A CHILD MOLESTER!" It could be true. And if so, I'd be curious as to where that correlation comes from.

The article itself does some interesting skylarking of TOS with Kirk and how it could play into molesters' thought patterns, which leads me to wonder whether child molesters like TOS exclusively OR that the people in the articles merely focused on the Trek they know. I mean, it would make sense if there was a specific characteristic of a flavor of Star Trek that would draw abberant people to it, but at the same time I find it difficult to believe that child molesters hold no love for Picard or Janeway.

I really have no conclusion here, since I can't even say whether the core "facts" of this article are true - but even so, I'm analyzing the hardcore Trekkies I know and trying to figure out where the overlap is. What's the attraction, if there is one?

The Usual Announcement

theferrett@theferrett.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:53:36 GMT

Tonight is Rock Band Thursday, and it's a very special one: we have all of Sergeant Pepper available for play. Will I still feed Rock Band, will I still need Rock Band, when I'm sixty-four? Or will it just be a day in the life? Drop on by and check it out. Singing is allowed, even encouraged.

Moments Of Finding Doom

theferrett@theferrett.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:19:57 GMT

Doom #1:
Borders Books and Music was my life. I loved my job at headquarters, heaving million-dollar purchase orders about and using finely-tuned algorithms to determine whether store #428 in Sandusky would get eight copies of WINDOWS 98 FOR DUMMIES or five. I got all the free books I wanted, my company was smart and on top of things, and the daily challenge of my job never stopped.

So when I heard about this Amazon company, I sniffed. Hell, we were eating Barnes and Noble's lunch, catching up to their dominance in leaps and bounds. What could a mail-order company do? They were a flash in the pan, getting some minor press because OMG IT WAS BOOKS! ON THE WEB! But everything was like that. Hell, at the time a home delivery service for groceries was getting roughly the same press because OMG IT WAS DELIVERED PEAS! ON THE WEB!

Still, I had to know the competition. We were thinking about maybe getting into this "web" thing, and as the resident Internet junkie I was asked to place a sample order. And so I did, happily, on the company's dime, ordering a book I wanted.

They said it'd take a week. Who the fuck is going to wait a week for a book? I sneered.

Two days later, the package arrived, so quickly I'd all but forgotten that I'd ordered it because I'd mentally chalked "book arrival" up as next week. It was a pretty package, like a well-designed gift, the box perfectly shaped to fit the book, an attractive logo on the outside. I was thrilled, because, dude! It's mail! Who doesn't like getting prezzies?

I rushed inside and unzipped it, only to discover not only the book I wanted right at my house, but a bunch of attractive pamphlets about books, tailored to my tastes. And I just sat there, thrumming with the future, going, this is so cool.

Then I realized that yeah, this was the competition I was squeeing over. And I thought: everything is going to change.

Doom #2:
I was sitting on the couch, watching streaming Netflix. I wanted to watch a movie that was on the DVD shelf not ten feet from me. Then I thought: What if?

So I checked Netflix, and sure enough, they had my movie. Rather than getting up and walking ten feet, I just started streaming a movie I already owned. And I looked at all those DVDs, which once looked so proud and now looked merely cumbersome, and I thought: Okay, that's gonna change everything.

Dooms Future And Past
Which is the question I ask you today. These are two moments of looking at some new piece of technology and going, "Okay, nothing's going to be the same once this takes hold." Does anyone else have these moments of "Holy shit, the future's now?" And if so, what was your moment of realizing that whole industries were going to have to shift to accomodate this change, or die?

A Lingering Disappointment

theferrett@theferrett.com — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:05:01 GMT

Dear Filmmakers:

Your porno film "Century 69" says, "Sex in the 69th Century is better than ever. Take this futuristic ride to a place of orgasmic proportions."

Alas, I have to say, I'm a little disappointed to find how little progress there has been. I mean, come on - it's been nearly five thousand years of sexual evolution, and you're telling me the advances in dick-sucking technology have been nil? I was hoping for fourth-dimensional sexual positions, genetically evolved new orifi, or at least just a refinement of existing technique.

Is this some bold statement on your part, perhaps - a nihilistic statement that no matter how far man advances, he'll never escape these four sexual positions? Are you trying to say that mankind is afraid of advancement, and as such five thousand years from now we will still be having sex in the same ways with the same plasticized women?

I wonder if there's some subtle post-apocalyptic subtext I'm missing. This would explain much, because at least as the acts are depicted, the fine art of cunnilingus seems to have been tragically lost.

Also, I find it odd that with all the wonders the 69th century has to offer, we only get to see a series of stained couches and one kitchen that looks very much like those that can be found in our time. Perhaps this, too, is a signal that the future is a dystopia - sleeping on the ruins of old technology, doomed to repeat a sticky history time and time again, these women absorb blasts of semen on their cheeks as a sad way of rejecting humanity. Sure, they could absorb the seed within their bodies to breed the next generation - but ravaged and despairing, they boldly demand that their partners cover their face in semen so they can feel the possibility of one last, helpless generation of humanity slipping off their chin.

In this way, they reject the biological ethos and slowly strangle the race. These four women and these faceless, thrusting penises - they're all that's left. And they will make sure that there is no Century 70. That's what you were going for, right?

Love,
T.F.

A Call For Help

theferrett@theferrett.com — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:45:40 GMT

In case you missed it, I have a slot for two gamers in this Saturday's Planescape game. As it is, I need as many players as possible so I can have a clean runthrough before my DMing for Charity on Sunday (which, I hope, someone local will attend - Child's Play is a fine charity that makes kids happy).

So if you're interested, let me know and I'll reserve a slot for ya!

Also, two gaming things:

1) Can anyone give me a ride down to Akron for the event on Sunday? Gini wants the car, and we only have the one.

2) Anyone got any good, printable, and free character generators for D&D 3/3.5? Normally, Champions is my system, but it's also hard to run a pickup game of it.

Just Sorta Random Musings

theferrett@theferrett.com — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:04:32 GMT

There are days I feel like creating a sex filter to write about more personal things about my sex life. Then I realize I don't particularly like the options available on LJ.

See, there are a lot of people I would want to be in on the sex filter who I don't actually read. I have a lot of people I like personally, but haven't friended on LJ because a) they update sporadically, or b) the majority of what they post about is stuff I'm not particularly interested in (quizzes, sentence-long summaries of what they had for lunch, what have you). For me, my friends list is not my actual friends (though there is a lot of overlap), but rather a bunch of people who I like to read.

So for a sex filter, there are at least twenty people I can think of off the top of my head who I'd go, "Man, they should have access to that if they want. Which they probably would."

I could friend them and then filter them out, I suppose, but I personally hate filters. They're clunky, I always forget about them, and it seems to me that aside from the whole "topic-specific filter" thing, in practice they're generally used one of two ways: either they're giving you the illusion that someone's reading you when they're not, or they're used as a series of concentric barriers to rant and rave about people on the outside of your filters.

I'm not a big fan of either, so the whole "friend and filter" thing seems distasteful to me. If I friend you, I'm skimming you just like all the rest.

The end result is that I occasionally have a post I'd like to put behind semi-private barriers. I'm not an overly private person, but my New England gets the better of me from time to time - when I write someone customized erotica, I always feel a little silly the next day, as though I'd just hung my underwear out to dry. So I'm embarrassed enough to talk about this intensely personal stuff to people who want to hear this stuff, let alone to folks who really don't want to know that aspect of me at all.

Don't I write about personal stuff on a daily basis? Absolutely, but that's all stuff I've come to conclusions on. I hardly ever write about stuff I'm still processing, and sex is something that I never stop processing. It'd be a lot rawer, in many ways.

So if I did discuss the really wet stuff, it would have to be an opt-in thing for everyone. I would feel vulnerable enough discussing it anyway, without people going, "Whoo, that's an overshare."

(And yes, it is my journal. This is why I am telling you what I am and am not comfortable doing in my journal. What I'm not comfortable with is just going, "Fuck you, audience, listen to me blather." My journal is, on some level, a performance space, which is also why I don't post excerpts from my fiction until it's published. Anything I post in here is for public consumption, reasonably polished, and that's the way I roll.)

Also, given that what I discuss in public often involves the people I'm involved with, it's not really fair to drag them out before a small audience to have them displayed like animals in a zoo. I'd rather have the filter for those rare moments I want to discuss what happened on a given weekend and not have it broadcast to the Internets at large. (The audience would still be reasonably sized, of course, but there's a major break in scale between "talking to hundreds" and "talking to thousands.")

Alas, it looks like there's not a way under the current architecture to create a sex filter that I want. Which isn't a great loss - it's not like I'd put more than two or three posts on a given month - but it does sometimes come and go. I think, "Wow, that thing I just wrote really brings up a lot of intense issues," and then I realize that I don't want to share that with the world. Just a small segment. And then, because I have no way of reaching that small segment, it goes away.

No big loss. But a little sadness. Sometimes.

Excerpt From An Email

theferrett@theferrett.com — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:34:20 GMT

I've given up the trappings of being metal, that ritualistic body-shaping and hair-growing and fetishistic costuming so that everyone around me would KNOW I was X-TREME. I've quietly settled down since then into jeans and T-shirts, which are what I'm comfortable in.

I am what I am. I know this. I don't care if you think I'm mundane, and I no longer really care to announce my memberships with a tribe to all passerby. You can find out who I am by talking to me.

This feels like a cleaner, saner way to live. At least for the moment.

Musings On RPG Writing

theferrett@theferrett.com — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:47:19 GMT

In the beginning, there was an A, and it went straight to Z. Such was the way of computerized roleplaying games.

The storylines of RPGs have expanded somewhat since then, but every RPG has an interesting conundrum at its heart: you want to give your players the illusion of freedom, but realistically you need to keep your players pressed firmly against the rails of the plot. Sure, it'd be great if we had an RPG where you had three or four completely separate storylines - a series of noble quests for the good guy who wants to save the kingdom, a series of brutal conspiracies for the evil guy who wants to rule it, and a third series for the whacky guy who doesn't give a crap about the kingdom but wants to seduce nubile, beautiful conquests.

Alas, it's hard to justify creating large, expensive setpieces that won't be seen by two-thirds of your player base, so RPG writers do what Hollywood folks have been doing since movies began: they recycle sets. Whether you're good, bad, or just plain crazy, they have to engineer a plot where you're going to start at the carefully-balanced Shallows of Lakeshore and end up facing down the Big Bad in the very-expensive-to-create Grindguts Cave.

This, in turn, creates a really fascinating writing constriction: you have to create a separate emotional arc for each kind of player you allow. If the PC wants to be a good guy, that's great; everyone loves him, and he'll nobly set out to end the evil in the land. But if the PC wants to be a jerk (which 4.9% of you default to), then not only do you have to give him a motivation for setting out after the MacGuffin, but you have to create a set of separate goals for all your NPCs that explain why they put up with this bloodthirsty wahoo.

In other words, when writing a big RPG like this, you're essentially writing a separate storyline for each kind of playstyle you want to have. That's a lot of words. And if you do that poorly, then you run the risk of having every NPC being a punching bag. If the players feel like the NPCs are going to give you the Staff Of Plot Coupon no matter how they act, then they become less involved.

The way Bioware's gotten around that (at least partially) is to have players in your party have their own motivations. If you act too evil, the good NPCs will leave you, or even attack. Be too much of a nice guy, and that most excellent tank you've spent all that time levelling up will turn on you. Which is also a nice way to encourage a second runthrough.

The other thing Bioware has defaulted to (since it's mostly bulletproof) is to give you a Four-Plot Coupon structure. See, if it's a straight line from the start to the finish, then you run the risk of getting bored/stuck somewhere between A and Z. The standard Bioware structure is to get you past an introductory challenge, then branch off to an "open-ended" segment where you must complete four tasks before you can get to the end game - in the case of Dragon Age, you must do four things to bring the kingdom together against the Darkspawn. Those four tasks are each easily accessible, in a location with their own side quests, so you have the illusion of free will as you pick your choice of plots.

That choice, however, leads to another flaw: you're wandering around in the middle of the game with no ticking clock. Yes, everyone tells you that the Foobari invasion will start any time soon, but realistically you're just meandering and levelling up.

What they've done in Dragon Age to remedy this, however, is really brilliant: they've started tying the tasks together again. Which is to say that when I finished one quest, the only way it could be completed was to get the help of the Circle of Wizards - and when I got to the Circle of Wizards, guess what? They needed my help before they could help me out with my prior quest.

Truth is, I would have gotten to the Circle of Wizards anyway since they were on my Plot Coupon Shopping List. But requiring their help as part of my prior quest made it feel like more of a plot. Now they were a large complication, not a check-off.

BioWare's also started having triggering events in between each of the Plot Coupons to keep the story rolling. For example, when you complete your first Plot Coupons, assassins strike at you on your way to Plot Coupon #2. Complete #2, another mini-quest triggers. This gives the illusion of movement.

It's fascinating, because every RPG has the same core elements: a player, who may or may not be a jerk, must go to various locations, kill monsters, and level up enough to kill the bad guy. BioWare is obviously feeling the restraints on that, and particularly for Dragon Age (I'm just getting to Plot Coupon #3) they're really trying to battle against those shackles. They did that already (most notably in The Twist in Knights of the Old Republic, which cleverly answers an eternal RPG canard), but it's really evident that they're going for broke here.

Dragon Age has a lot of flaws thus far: a hackneyed backstory, NPCs who fucking love jumping in front of you the second you try to open a chest (HAY GUY YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME, RITE?), some sketchy level design (why, yes, I would like to walk into an ambush of six mages who I can't hurt until they've fired the first six shots!), every NPC is a pinata full of words that you can't really skip past, and of course there's the usual poorly-explained welter of controls. But the story is fascinating to see in its mechanics, because they're definitely trying to break the mold - and it shows, and it's compelling. And for that, I have to give them the long, slow clap.

2012: A Review

theferrett@theferrett.com — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 02:00:46 GMT

I have never before wanted to watch a movie with friends so badly. Because both E.J. and Keffy are, shall we say, big fans of science, and I would want to be there to watch their heads go splodey when the scientists on-screen explain how the Mayans predicted a thousand years ago that a galactic alignment of planets would cause the neutrinos in the sun to mutate.

Watching their heads blow up might actually be better SFX than the movie itself.

They'll Do It Every Time

theferrett@theferrett.com — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:10:12 GMT

When I'm preparing for a trip, I pack my bag full of dense, beautiful books - all those novels I've been meaning to read. And I do read them...

... On the way out.

By the time I board my flight back, I am exhausted, braindead, and lazy, so cracking that book of florid short stories just feels like hiking uphill. I can't do it.

Fortunately, airport bookshops cater to the braindead. So I spend twenty bucks on some idiot pop "science" book like Freakonomics.

This time, however, I've outdone myself. In my lap now is " Rules of the Game" - the bestselling book on how guys can get with beautiful women. "Master the art of attraction!" it claims. And because I want to see what sort of advice seems good to very lonely men, I am going to read it.

I feel dumber already.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Your Personal RPG Archetype

theferrett@theferrett.com — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:26:39 GMT

In my experience as a GM, players are like serial killers: they do what they do in order to satisfy some inner need. And like serial killers, you can extrapolate a lot about their personalities from carefully observing their evidence.

Which is to say that most players, even if they play a lot of characters, generally have some core personality trait that is shared among all their PCs. Take me, for example; I've played characters from a low-life gambler who plays cards with demons for (unreliable) magic powers to a superhero who records his battle-sounds so he can sample them for club mixes later. From an outward description of the guys I've played, you'd be hard-pressed to see what the connecting tissue is, because as a writer I go balls to the wall to come up with wildly differing backgrounds.

Yet all of my PCs share one thing; they're the smartest guy in the room on one issue. Not the smartest guy in the world, mind you, but each character has a gateway to some kind of forbidden knowledge that the other PCs just don't have. Yes, I play a living supernova who burns his enemies with fire... But he's also a physicist. Yes, I'm playing an ex-jock gone to seed who's forced into investigating the Cthulhu mythos... But he also runs a chain of sportswear outlets, and is a master of marketing. The huckster knows magic secrets, the DJ knows the club scene better than anyone.

As a player, I'll be entirely happy if I get the shit beaten out of me in a losing combat if I get to have my secret knowledge mean something during the game. It's perfectly fine if Thermal winds up in chains after the big battle if his physics knowledge was the only way they could have gotten into the villains' lair.

That's what scratches my roleplaying itch. And it's constant.

Likewise, my wife comes up with wildly differing characters from an elf flickering between dimensions to a fire-priestess of a noble kingdom, but all of her characters can be summed up by Thundering Badass Crippled By Dysfunctional Family Issues. If you play with almost anyone for long enough, you'll generally note the ties that bind all their PCs - even if, quite often, they're unaware of it.

So I ask you: What's your archetype? Do you know what need it satisfies? Tell me. I want to know.

A Random Game Poll

theferrett@theferrett.com — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:53:38 GMT

When I play through any computerized roleplaying game for the first time, I am invariably the good guy. I make all the morally correct choices, am kind to my fellow travellers, spare my enemies, avoid kicking puppies or harvesting little children, et cetera. I am scrupulous about this, for this is the "official" record.

Then, if the game is sufficiently interesting to play through again, I start a "what if?" scenario where I play the utter bastard, making every greedy choice and slaughtering everyone in town. And I dislike this on some level, but justify it because the first time was what really happened, and this second time is just fantasy. Which is kinda stupid, but there you have it.

However, I know this is not unique. Interestingly enough, my daughter Amy started off Mass Effect with an utter jerk, but within three hours she felt bad and slowly transformed her meanie badass into a sweetness and light hero. Which led to this weird little poll:

View Poll: Roleplayin'

Star Wars Ruined My Life

theferrett@theferrett.com — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 14:44:46 GMT

My love of overthinking Star Wars has ruined my writing career. Because Darth Vader is a shivering coward, and practically no one knows it.

Wait, I'll knit those two sentences together in a moment. But first, let's talk about Vader's wussery - and when we do so, we will discuss the only three movies that matter. The word "Annie" is dead to me, and I have no idea what this "mid uh klor ee in" thing is that you're mentioning.

Thing is, in the first three movies, Vader is presented as a total badass. But if you look at what's really happening, truth is that Vader's just a hired gun, and not a particularly great one at that. In A New Hope, Vader's nothing more than Tarkin's bitch. And I use that word in the doglike sense, because not only does he do everything that Tarkin commands him to do ("Hey, stop choking that guy who insulted your whole religion!" "Okay, boss") but Leia actually calls him out. "I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash." In other words, Leia - and, presumably, everyone else in the know - understands that Vader has a leash, and someone's always holding it.

Hey, why does Vader survive the Death Star? Because he was sent out as the lead attack dog to go fight them hand-to-hand. In other words, he survives only because he's one of the most dispensable employees - a glorified Stormtrooper, a special breed of cannon fodder. Where was Tarkin? Back in what he presumed was safety.

Vader's good at killing, don't get me wrong. But "badass" has a certain connotation of freedom and independence, and Vader? Is just another gun for hire.

In fact, Empire, what happens next? Vader's in charge of a task force to find the rebels, sure, but at the end of the film he first attempts to box up his son to bring back to the Emperor without any qualms. Dude, Vader's just a glorified UPS deliveryman - and when your first plan is just to dope-de-ope bring your only offspring back to the Emperor to be brainwashed into being the Emperor's slave, well, you messed up.

And then, when it turns out that his son might almost be able to beat him, what does he do?

He begs.

Oh, don't be fooled by that James Earl Jones voice. Broken down, Vader's cry is, "HALP! I can't beat the nasty old Emperor on my own, 'cause I'm scared! But if you, a one-handed gimp I just thrashed when I got pissy, team up with me, we can do it!"

You think Vader needs Luke to beat the Emperor? Hell, no, Vader does that at the end when Luke's beaten him. No, Vader needs someone to hold his goddamned hand like a six-year-old needs Mommy to cross the street. Vader's a tough guy, sure, but badass? Badasses don't need a cheering squad to help them go off and win the day. Badasses don't beg.

Sure enough, at the end of Return of the Jedi, the only time Vader finally acts? When his son's beaten him, when the Emperor's mocking him and ignored him, when his son's about to die, and when the Emperor has his back turned, Vader finally acts. Could he have done this years ago? Sure. Hell, he's doing it with one hand and a failing life support system. But wimpy ol' Vader was just too frightened of the Emperor to do anything until Luke finally goaded him into it.

Again. That's a guy with a lot of tremendous power, but underneath? Vader's a candyass. He'll take directions from anyone because inside, he's terrified of everything. He goes and beats up people who aren't in his league at all, because he's afraid of real challenges; picture a movie where Bruce Lee only fights mooks he knows he can beat, because he's too afraid to fight the Savage Emperor by his lonesome, and you see Vader's inner scaredycat.

I love that finesse. Because people buy Vader as a badass, because the movie is largely shot from Vader's perspective (something Lucas openly admitted when he went back and, uh, didn't film three awful films). When you start pointing out that Vader really is just a gun to be shot by pretty much anyone with the will to shoot him, they start hemming and hawing and telling you how he's really a threat.

Yes. But a threat is not a badass. Vader's Woody Allen with a lightsaber.

The reason I say this ruined my writing career is because that dichotomy is one of my lit-kinks. I love writing stories from a strong first-person perspective where the lead character is flawed, and completely unaware of it. In other words, I write Vader'fic, where the lead characters appear to be strong and monotone, but underneath there's something else going on.

And that's a weakness right now, because as it is I don't have the chops to pull off something like that. Not one of those stories has sold yet.

What actually happens when I write the story is that people actually buy the lead character's opinion of themself, and they miss all the subtle clues I put in that indicate that whoah, wait a minute, things aren't quite this simple, and instead they see it as a simple "Us Good, Them Bad" story. And I can't fault them for that, because I am writing in a fashion influenced by a man who created a villain who literally millions of people see as the ultimate badass. Which Vader, as I have noted here, is not.

It's an interesting way to try to construct a story. But I need to learn to put in better clues, or achieve deeper characterization so that people can see beyond the surface, or plot better. Because as it stands, for all of its charm any scene from Star Wars makes a pretty lousy short story. I'm gonna have to find a way to either drop this lit-kink or learn to pull it off better.

In either case, I blame Lucas. He's convenient, and rich enough not to care.