The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - I Have A Need To Read

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March 26th, 2006
06:05 pm

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I Have A Need To Read
Following a link on FARK, as I so often do, I discovered this gem: The International Federation of Competitive Eating ranking board. Oh, I'd known in the back of my head that America had lost its pie-eating edge to those damned Japanese, but the drama had been lost because they don't show the gorging contests on ESPN. Still, it struck me as high drama that I wanted to investigate, complete with ups and downs - heart attacks from overweight people pushing themselves, skinny kids suddenly encountering the slowed metabolism of middle age, the up-and-comers who could eat four pounds of rice balls in five minutes but not the four-point-two it takes to win. I wanted to hear the oddsmakers saying, "Well, it's cheesecake, Bob, and everyone knows that Allen Goldstein has a strange affinity with cheesecake. I think he's got a chance in this contest" and "Oh, man, it's meatball week. You know what that means."

And lo and behold! There are characters! Look at this bio for Eric Jarvis, a 420-pound black guy with an engaging smile, posted in a photograph where it's not entirely clear whether he's about to intake or export:

"Known as "The People's Champ," Badlands Booker has maintained a position at the top of the IFOCE rankings for years. He has excited fans at recent events by performing selections from his rap album, Hungry & Focused, and he remains among the most popular eaters in America. His sophomore album, The Ingestion Engine, debuts December 1 on IFOCE.com, and features the hit, Back in the Flesh. Booker's efforts at the table, however, have produced mixed results in 2005. After a very strong 2004, in which he achieved victories in
cannoli, cheesecake and pumpkin pie, Badlands' consistency disappeared. He has stumbled in some events, starting out strong, but failing to maintain speed throughout. In other events, such as the Buffalo Chicken Wing Contest, he has shown enormous strength, winning handily."

How can you read that and not want to know more?

And so I thought, "Surely someone has written a book on the competitive food circuit!" And sure enough, Amazon.com informs me that there are not one, but two books on competitive eating due out later this year.

I must possess them, if only to see who gets to the obligatory "Lardass Hogan" reference first.

(20 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments
 
From:phrawzty
Date:March 26th, 2006 11:38 pm (UTC)
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I am equally amused and disgusted by the very existance of the IFOCE.

This, of course, means that i will now spend the rest of the evening researching it.

Thanks, Ferrett. :P
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From:sfllaw
Date:March 26th, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
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Competitions like this make me, an epicure, cry. It shouldn't be about quantity, people!
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From:animate
Date:March 27th, 2006 12:21 am (UTC)
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There are eating contests for anything nowadays. Even zucchini!
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From:batshua
Date:March 27th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
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Dude, this guy ate a whole bunch of hamentaschen and matzah balls. Maybe he's Jewish?

More importantly, who holds a hamentaschen-eating contest or a matzah ball-eating contest?
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From:quizzicalsphinx
Date:March 27th, 2006 03:05 am (UTC)
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My throat is closing up at the idea of eating that many matzah balls in a sitting--and I'm a fan of matzah.
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From:batshua
Date:March 29th, 2006 09:15 pm (UTC)
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I trust you're aware that "matzah balls" are not the same creature as just plain matzah, yes?
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From:katrinastrife
Date:March 27th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
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They don't show eating contests on ESPN anymore? Seriously, I was in the college dining hall last summer, and they were showing multiple eating contests, not just hot dogs, either. It was insane, I never knew a 110 pound Japanese lady could eat a bowl of salad (akin to one that would serve a family of four) in 2 minutes. Anyway, I think they might have been showing it on ESPN 2, maybe it's not so fashionable to put it on TV anymore, though... >_<;;
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From:blookum
Date:March 27th, 2006 01:43 am (UTC)
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Yeah! I saw the same thing! I was at a buffet while they were showing it, and some kids at the next table got all worked up and wanted to start their own speed-eating contest. It was only by well-timed back-handed swats from their Mamaw that they quit stuffing their faces.
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From:katrinastrife
Date:March 27th, 2006 01:51 am (UTC)
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Haha, that's pretty good. But really, why would you show something like that in a place where people eat? It's really unappetizing to watch... but, hey, at least they weren't eating cow brains.
From:songmonk
Date:March 27th, 2006 06:47 am (UTC)
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I set up an LJ syndicated account a while ago to keep up on the latest news in the world of competitive eating: ifoce. Unfortunately the people at the ifoce site have their feed set up incorrectly so the links don't take you directly to the article, but at least you can see the headlines on your friends page.

I mean, if you care. :-)
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From:monkeycid
Date:March 27th, 2006 11:28 pm (UTC)
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The competetive eaters haven't got their *feed* set up correctly?

[Yes, that was cheap and horrible, even for me. But I couldn't resist.]
From:songmonk
Date:March 27th, 2006 11:52 pm (UTC)
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That is so bad it's good. :-)
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From:zalriva1
Date:March 27th, 2006 07:52 am (UTC)
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Kobayashi!
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From:ba1126
Date:March 27th, 2006 12:01 pm (UTC)
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I like the way the books on competitive eating were followed by books on eating disorders and how to eat sensibly. Watching people eat in that way is a real turn-off for food for me. It's like watching people burn money when you have to watch every dime.
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From:avatar
Date:March 27th, 2006 01:17 pm (UTC)
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You might find this borderline amusing.
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From:teddust
Date:March 27th, 2006 03:45 pm (UTC)
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So when does starcityeating.com go live?
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From:gieves
Date:March 27th, 2006 11:41 pm (UTC)
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I am... aghast at reading the 'Bib Sheet' of Sonya Thomas. How can a woman who looks like that devour ELEVEN POUNDS of cheesecake in 9 minutes?

My mind stuttered entirely to a halt when I tried to contemplate this feat.
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From:ba1126
Date:March 28th, 2006 12:13 am (UTC)
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I don't think the rules require them to "keep it down".
From:klig
Date:March 28th, 2006 01:01 am (UTC)
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I'm an adult male, 5'10", and he weighs triple what I do.
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From:lots42
Date:March 28th, 2006 09:50 am (UTC)
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One of these days, a knowledgeable, struggling mother of four, who is raising decent, well-behaved kids on pretty much nothing a month, is going to encounter Badlands Booker and bounce a fire exstinguisher off his skull.
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