The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - *sighs*
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The flood of passers by...
I have to believe that you have a core of friends who understand you even with what you consider flaws. I have witnessed you writing of this often with your wife.
Take that for what it is.
What do you owe strangers over honesty? What do you owe anyone over honesty?
Who is to suffer fools gladly?
I have been gathering the gist that you are in the horns of a particular delimma, one that reminds me of a similar situation. I am on the quite side publicly and we basically avoided the problem (a roomates girlfriend).
It's a monumental task to change someone because it is almost impossible to make someone see themselves and their reflection in life. Heck, we have whole branchs of science and medicine looking at that. All you can do is don't let them make you make yourself miserable. The flaw as you and friend have pointed out is that they are not a reciprocal individual. Worry about those who do engauge you fully. This isn't to say that you don't engauge with the person. Just don't let them make you tear yourself up.