Hmmm... tough question :P  More bullets altogether in one person count, I'd guess, ne?

   O'Reilly... Nah, rather Cheney.  Bush is good to laugh at :P  Ashcroft, that's good for a second.  Hmm, Harvey Kellogg is already dead and I don't molest dead, so who?  *flips a coin for a random post-commie leader of his country* László Kovács is the third to die.

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I'll have to think about this properly, but off the top of my head, my three would go on Paul McCartney, Cliff Richard and Keith Harris(orville the duck...need I say more ?).

The extra bullet? Hmmm. Possibly the Pope.

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Okay, I'm not one to challenge deep-seated beliefs... But PAUL MCCARTNEY? Why?

Me, I call the Joan Rivers Clause on Paul, but I'd be curious to find out the source of this logic.

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Bullet #1 is for Celine Dion. A shot right through her larynx from the side, and pictures should be taken with a strobe camera to show the shattering effect of a metal slug moving at the speed of sound on vocal cords. The images should be sent to Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as warnings against further depredations upon proper vocal technique. If necessary, Simon Cowell should be held at gunpoint to distribute a set to the staff and competitors on "American Idol." At that point, it is to be hoped that "Star Search" will take the hint.

Bullet #2 is for Calista Flockhart. Called shot to the gut with a .22 handgun. Her too-rapid-for-normal-people death will be presented as proof to all the starvation-bodied actresses like Renee Zellwegger and Lara Flynn Boyle that they really, truly do need to Eat Something so they can at least resemble Catherine Zeta-Jones and have enough body fat to slow down a wimp-ass bullet. For dramatic effect, a two-fer by standing Jennifer Love Hewitt right behind her and having both of them die because Flockhart presents too narrow a shield would be sweeter still.

You already claimed Michael Moore, so bullet #3 in my set gets to go to Sylvester Stallone. For crimes against reason by being a gun owner and maintainer of his own shooting range on his property while railing against private gun ownership to the press, he gets it in his steroid-shrunken gonads with his favorite shotgun.

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You know, I'm not a fan of the "Try to get two for one" theory that someone always tries, but you've definitely got the best logic.

Incidentally - and I meant to reply to this yesterday - I too longed to go to Hooters for a long time, and yet never managed to find anyone who'd go with me... Until my wife, knowing of my Sensate nature, suggested that we both go see what it was like. AND you were listening to Great Big Sea's "Luka" at the time, which is quite possibly my favorite song of theirs.

The short version: Not enough Hooting. I'm not saying that I demand large breasts at every restaurant, but if I were to call my restaurant "Six-Pack Abs," I myself would stay the fuck off the waitstaff.

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#3: Shug Knight. Nuff said. (God, I hope this doesn't get me killed...)

#2: Rick Dees. For those not in the L.A. area, you're probably not exposed to him half as often as we are. Every time I flip through the radio dial and hear his voice, I just want to rip the stereo out of the car and toss it on the freeway.

#1: Charlton Heston. Screaming "Look what killed you! Yes! It was A GUN! GUNS KILL PEOPLE!"

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I'm not from LA, but I know the man entirely too well. He's originally from Memphis, where I live. I also owe that man one of my bullets solely for the song "Disco Duck" which pervaded the airways in the '70's.

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Bullet #1: P Diddy, or Puff Daddy, or Poof Deady, or whatever he's calling himself this week. His very existence annoys me.

Bullet #2: The SciFi channel exec who decided to take Farscape off the air. If I'm lucky, he's the same one responsible for the upcoming Battlestar Galactica remake. It'd be like a two-fer.

Bullet #3: Michael Moore had already been shot, but if I can, I'd put another bullet in him, just to make sure. If not, then I'm taking out Bill Shatner, just because he was a rude prick the one time I met him. Besides, it would mean no more of those damn Priceline.com ads.

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#1 Let's start with Keanu...maybe if we shot him somewhere, but didn't kill him, he could manage more than one emotion per movie...he is pretty though.

#2 The person who is financially providing for Red, Blue and Blonde...does the world really need this movie?

#3 Aw, heck...a silver bullet in Rush, because I am pretty sure he would find a way to speak from beyond the grave if we didn't take precautions.

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1) George Lucas....with Spielberg watching. special effects don't make a movie.

2) Oscar...for rewarding the mediocrity that is the American film industry.

3) Robert Jordan...just to watch his fan(s) reactions.

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#1 Pat Robertson: After how many DECADES of his fundamentalist blathering, I think it's time to put the good old boy down. Especially after his assumption that gays, pagans and the poeple who don't want prayer in schools were to blame for 9/11.

#2 Jessee Jackson: I took one from the right wing, now I feel I should take one from the left. Also, I ask you... What does The fair reverend Jackso really do for the civil rights movement? The answr is, nothing! Let's just keep him from making another speech and using up more of our perfectly good oxygen.

#3 Bill Gates: Micro$oft is the fucking borg. They are extending their influence into everything. Soon enough we'll need to wait for a patch for our toasters and we'll be sitting on the phone for hours with customer support when our kids get a bug. I don't mind people being successful, however, I tink Bill is doing a terrible job becoming the first american cyberpunk novel-style megacorp.

But that's just me... Your mileage may vary.

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Jesse Jackson, who actually was active in the 1960s doing good work... But not Al Sharpton? Tsk, tsk.

Priorities, my friend, priorities!

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1. Britney Spears (she represents all that is wrong with America AND she endorses Pepsi, and us Atlantans just can't have that)

2. Salma Hayek (cute, but if only watching her act was less painful than an arrow through the arm)

3. Howard Stern ("wow, I'm a tasteless, unattractive man who gets slutty women to further degrade themselves for a taste of my fame")

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...hey!

- The Ferrett
- Diet Pepsi Addict
- Now looking over his shoulder

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I have to be able to use a .50 cal to be able to have the faint hope that I might be able to knock off a publicist or photographer or correspondent for ET or something, but here goes (restricted to people who are not already pushin' up daisies):

1) The souless son of a dog that came up with the "elimination dating" concept. The thought of yet another show where someone has to pick from a whole slew of people who are so horrible that they'd let people so boring that they're entertained by reality shows watch them try to impress someone. Actually, I don't want a .50 cal for that, I want the 16 in shell fired by the USS Iowa in the fervent hope I can get his boss, his boss' boss, and the network head in the blast radius.

2) Since no one else wants to do it, "Dr." Laura. An utter waste of oxygen.

3) Nah, I gotta take out Lucas as well. Episode III must be left to someone else. I have a bad feeling about this.

I also volunteer to decapitate Rush's corpse, fill the mouth with garlic, and bury it in Yucca mountain.

Whew. I feel better.

Ev

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1: George Lucas. I know he's already gotten it, but he deserves more. This one's 50-cal.

2: Carrot Top. Can we do flechette rounds? Lead azide? 00 Buckshot at close rounds? There's no way I could make this one painful enough.

3: Carrot Top again. I hate that fucking guy.

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These posts are all so good, I have little to add, save that I wouldn't use just one bullet, for ANY of the offenders thus mentioned.

Buying an electric gatling codpiece,
Geo

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Let's do a countdown of this hit-list

Holding steady at number three: The guy who came up with Sky Radio, the easy listening, playing the same tunes every day without a dj talking through it with way too much commercials radio-station I'm forced to listen to at work everyday. Better yet, I'll think I'll opt for the person who thought up this format in general. Christina, Britney and every single boy-band can sing their asses off, every r'n'b star can diss his bitches as far as I'm concerned, as long as I don't have to listen too it.

Down one place on number two, replacing the already taken out Charlton Heston: David Letterman. Two words: not funny. Three more words: annoying as hell. His body should be sent on a tour of the other late night shows. Should fit in perfectly with the other guests I might add.

In with a bullet on number one: the Cartoon network exec who though dubbing cartoons in the native language of the country they are aired in was a good idea. My gift to him: Shot to the crotch, death by excessive bleeding, grand tour of every network showing cartoons.

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Hi, I'm Keith (and not Anonymous, honest).

I'm going to have Six bullets - three knee-jerk reaction bullets, and three SlowPainfullDeathWhenI'veMadeUpMyMind Bullets (If I get round to it).

Today; the knee-jerk bullets:

#1: Madonna. Holy crap - can someone shut that woman up before she 'Raps' again? I don't know about you, but I can really see the irony of her singing about "The American Dream" now she's happily settled over here in England. In addition, her acting is the prime reason for me leaving a film (I've only ever left 1 film).
Your best days are over, I'll end it for you while you still have a good reputation.

#2: (I'd like to have put Blair here, but apparently No Polititians, so:) Jim Carrey. That aught to wipe that smug grin off his face, finally.

#3: (I was tempted to say the make up artist on Planet of the Apes, but:) Jar Jar Binks. 'nuff said.

Keith; eben01@excite.com

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Carrot Top (no explanation necessary, I think), Heather Graham (Just because you're pretty doesn't mean you should have a job as an actress. And though Keanu Reeves has only one personality, HG has only one emotion. No. She needs to go.), and Catherine Zeta-Jones (She's too pretty to be allowed, can pretend to act, but isn't nearly as good as she thinks she is. She's a bitch, and she married a skeevy old guy. Goodbye!).

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I really wanted to off the creator of the DragonBall series for making the most horribly animated piece of plotless garbage in all existence and for giving anime a bad reputation as well as drooling moronic fans...but he's already dead. And Bush can't be chosen...and neither can Bush Sr. I'd take out the first Bush if I could.

3 - Pope - I don't feel I should explain myself here but I will. He's gone senile. He blesses anyone and everything in sight. His can barely breath without God doing it for him. I bet God chews his food for him as well. This is more of a mercy killing than anything; a mercy killing to end his misery as well as mine.

2 - Avril Lavigne - Punk music has already been raped by bands like Blink 182 and Sum 41...but now she brings the raping to a whole new level. It's not her that truly annoys me; it's her fans. Avril Lavigne fans are the scourge of humanity. With her death, they'll find another talentless "musician" to follow, and all shall be nice in the world and everyone will listen to Tool.

1 - MTV Person - Whoever is in charge of MTV has to go! MTV used to be the greatest channel in all existence. Hell, the name is Music Television and they lived up to it. It was music all day long. If you didn't like rap, you waited for the next video to start that was rock or pop or whatever you liked. There were countdowns, interviews, live shows, etc. But MTV has abandoned music altogether and in it's place is horribly acted reality television and the worst excuse of musicians I have ever seen. Music just isn't important anymore to them...the only time music gets played is on *gag* TRL and even then the videos get aired for only 10 seconds, and it's the same crap artists every time.

Anyways, you caught me in a ranting mood. Apologies.

And in a complimentary 4th place: Good Charlotte

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Do you honestly want to off Avril in the off chance her fans convert to Tool fandom? That could get scary I think.

- Some random person

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Wow, only three bullets...not looking at other people's lists here they go.

My first bullet goes out to Jay Leno who I think is the most non-funny person in the world. It disgusts me that anyone watches him ever.
My second bullet goes to Matt Groening, responsible for the creation of the worst show to hit the boob tube in my lifetime, that horrid spectacle that is the Simpsons. (I would have shot Bart, but dammit, he's just a cartoon!)
My final bullet goes in the direction of Jason Sehorn, formerly of the NY Giants and now playing safety for the St. Louis Rams. This is nothing personal against Jason, it's just that he has Angie Harmon and should be retiring to stay home with amazingly good looking wife. This one wouldn't be fatal, it would just blow apart his knee or something.

Wow, now when I look at the other responses I find that my three are ok, none of them have been used.
How can you people shoot Spielberg?!? I'll admit the quality has fallen off a little lately, but he's amazing.

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not shooting spielberg...just making him watch while i shoot lucas. it's a lesson in the consequences of bad storytelling.

btw...have you seen AI?

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1) I think Jay Leno deserves yet another bullet just for being completely non-funny and stooping to downright meanness at times. What was Johnny Carson thinking to pick this man as his replacement?!?

2) I'd like to line up the network heads in a single file line and take the lot of 'em out with a high caliber bullet for making reality shows 40% of all programming next season!!! I realize that these shows are cheap to make and produce, but do we really need to dumb down America any more???

3) I will, however, single out the head of Fox for his very own bullet. This man cancelled Firefly, which I admit did take a while to grow on me. But, just when I rwas really getting into it, POOF!!

And I would also like to volunteer to dismember Rush, bury all of his bits at different crossroads, and burn his heart!

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Oh, gee, couldn't I have his heart for a pagan ceremony, please????

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I don't want to repeat others, who have already taken my first two choices (George Lucas and Dr. Laura), so I will have to delve deeper into the pool.

My first choice, and the one remaining from my own list, is Jerry Bruckheimer for Kangaroo Jack. The man should be shot in the balls and allowed to bleed to death in the Aussie outback.

My second choice has to be Adam Sandler. SO beyond not funny.

Number three would be Tim F. LaHaye, Jerry B. Jenkins, authors of the "Left Behind" series. Since there are two of them, I would acutally lock them in a car and shoot the gas tank, blowing them to smithereens. I will admit to never reading them, but I have seen so many people scared by their "God's gonna get you!" rhetoric that they deserve to die.

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#3. Yes. Brilliant. Wish I had thought of it.

I confess I had this masochistic urge to read them just to see what they were like, (I think if they were written by, say, Harlan Ellison, then that concept would fucking ROCK. *snigger*) but then one of my friends who DID that for curiosity's sake said that it was as suspected--a lot of preachin'.

Added kudos for Bruckheimer. Gods. *shudder*

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Hmm. Tough choice (recently found this via the quizes, got curious).

1) Jack Chick. Any and all roleplayers utter this man's name with digust and hatred. Two words for you: Dark Dungeons. Enough said.

2) Bud Selig. Argh, this man has messed up baseball in so many ways during his time as the commish. He. Must. Go. Now.

3) Bah, he's already been hit twice, but still. Rick Dees. I'm in Michigan and he was aired here for quite awhile. I thought about punching out my radio each time I heard him on my way to class.

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1) You know, I was going to buy a box of "Dark Dungeons" and put them in our local gaming store.

I was planning on putting a sign on the corkboard above where they would be sitting which would read "Comedic reading. Please take one." Because, that's all that Chick tracts are good for, their comedic value

Seriously, Jack chick isn't really worth the time to hate. It's not like anyone takes him seriously anyway.

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Hey-

OK, first of all, I wanna say that I do not forsee a situation where I would ever kill anyone in cold blood. So, as long as we understand this sort of thing is purely speculation engaged in for satirical purposes only and represents no sort of actual threat to anyone, living or dead, then we're cool.

That said, I'd make Todd McFarlaine suck the end of a really big revolver. I'd put down a contract wherein he relinquished all rights to MiracleMan back to Neil Gamian. I'd swear to let him live if he just signed them over. To show I meant business and could kill him with impunity, I'd have a high-production value video made of me blowing (current Marvel CEO) Bill Jemas' nuts off with the same gun just after being forced to read a statement rescinding Marvel's no-reprint policy... I'd shoot through an entire stack of Marville #1-7 to prove it wasn't faked, and that this gun meant business.

Once he'd actually signed it, then I'd shoot him in his drawing hand and make him draw a new issue of Spawn using his own blood. Eventually he'd die of septicemia from the pen nib. Excelsior!

Third bullet for Simon Cowell, but only if I got shoot him just after he had dissed me on American Idol. Now *that's* reality programming!

"You may possibly be the worst singer ever."

KA-BLAM!... in the throat, causing a gushing hose of arterial blood to spurt between his clutching fingers as he gurgles for a comeback but only succeeds in hosing down a shocked Paula Abul.

"Not the worst shot, though, ya fuckin' Limey git!"

Priceless.

-Lefty

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"Once he'd actually signed it, then I'd shoot him in his drawing hand and make him draw a new issue of Spawn using his own blood. Eventually he'd die of septicemia from the pen nib. Excelsior!"

*tears roll down eyes and sides ache with laughter*

Lefty, you remain priceless, my friend!

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Hi, I'm Rich. I don't like guns. But for these three, I'll make an exception.

You said I can't shoot politicians. Fine. Well, I will state for the record that I would wait until one of mine got to meet Cheney, because I think his heart might just go if I popped someone off right next to him, and God wouldn't that be gravy.

First off, I'd like to take out one of these Christian right a-holes who think that they can tell us all about what God wants. I saw a couple people aiming at the pope, which is a little touchy; the guy's not doing real well as is. There are better targets for religious leaders, as follows. God doesn't hate homosexuals. I promise. I know plenty of homosexuals who go to Church every Sunday. So I'll line up Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson's kid, and that human pile of horseshit Fred Phelps. Maybe a couple of these defense-of-marraige pricks. And we'll throw Benny Hinn up there, and assuming he's not the one who gets hit, he can perform a healing on whoever I pick off. That'll be cute.

Second, I'll put one six inches over the head of Justin Timberlake. I don't want to kill the poor bastard, or even hurt him. I just want to get his attention, and tell him that imitating Michael Jackson wasn't cool in 1988, and it's not cool now. Thriller was good. The moonwalk was pretty fuckin' cool. But let's be honest, as a whole, the guy's a pretty shitty role model, and that will hopefully put the fear of God into the rest of the current-music-crew. And I'll threaten Justin with my third bullet if he doesn't use some of his pull to get MTV to stop making shitty shows and start playing videos.

Howard Stern would be a great one. The guy's a total prick picking on all the wrong people. But he's selling his soul and he's only in it for the money, so his existence is punishment enough. Yeah, he gets lapdances from beautiful women. I bet he doesn't sleep real well.

I toyed with the idea of going after some of these House Reps. that are funneling money into crime prevention away from education. If any of these guys read a effing sociology text they'd know that crime will GO AWAY if you teach inner-city kids freaking trigonometry.

So who can I use my last, precious bullet on? It seems like America is too full of ignorant voices to really off one and make a difference. So I'd keep that last bullet in the gun, and swing it around on my way into NBC on a Thursday night and get myself a nice two minutes of airtime right in the middle of Friends. I'd use that time to make a few choice statements about some of the people mentioned above.

Then I'd take that bullet and go shoot out Roger Clemens back tire at Fenway, because the idea of him calling a cab and having to deal with some militant Red-Sox-fan cabbie from Fenway Park all the way to the team hotel is sweeter than any single death could ever be.



Look at that, three bullets and only one gunshot wound. Because, violence is rarely the answer.

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#1. Natalie Maines: Because her "singing voice" is awfully grating, because I don't mistake grandstanding in front of an anti-war British audience for incisive political commentary, and because celebrity status does not confer a monopoly on First Amendment rights.
#2. Dr. Laura: Because her dissemination of bigotry and hateful attitudes as conservative rhetoric serve no purpose but to vilify other, more reasonable people who lean to the right
#3. Whoever came up with the bright idea of talk radio in the mornings on *every blessed channel*. Why not just fucking play some music?!

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Ok, I hadn't checked here since this started and it got lost in my friends list, so I didn't note that someone took out Dr. Laura (YAY Them!)

But...mine...

Bullet 1 - Dr. Laura. And I really shouldn't have to explain why.

Bullet 2 - Anne Rice - Anne fucking-Rice, for the travesty she has wreaked upon the vampire folklore genre--but MORESO for the SHITTY CRAP she writes (post Interview) that became this vampire subculture DISEASE...ok, some of which I was sucked into. Mostly, however, because her writing is just so terrible. So fucking awful. She makes my eyes and ears bleed. She gets it in the throat. Laurell K. Hamilton watches because she's on her way to doing the same shit with her series...

Bullet 3 - Find me the fucker who started this reality TV shit, like Survivor, but moreso, Joe Millionaire, American Idol, and those more obviously image whoring franchises. Bring me this bitch so I can give them a belly wound with a .357 and watch them bake in the desert sun.

My alternate is O'Reilly. Fucker.
Gods...there are just so many--we are making a good start, though. *EG*

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for # 1- AMEN!

for #2- Hell yeah. Never did care for Anne Rice, but I -used- to like LKH. Stopped buying her books when it came more to the sex than the fun stuff. Like, her job. *shakes head* sorry, just glad to find someone else who isn't amused anymore.

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Sigh. Someone already took Dr. Laura and Adam Sandler. Sad.

1. Julia Roberts. *One* role that made me want to disembowel the character with a rusty Bic razor might have been passed off as poor scriptwriting; when every character she plays is clingy and manipulative and "endearingly vulnerable" and "wants the fairy tale", she has to accept some responsibility.

2. Ideally, whoever came up with the idea that "endearingly vulnerable" was not an oxymoron when applied to supposedly-adult human beings. Barring that, the guy who wrote "Sailor Moon". If you have to ask, count your blessings.

3. LeeAnne Rimes, for singing peans to codependency. "How do I live without you?" You don't. *Blam*.

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for you're number 2... it was a girl who wrote Sailor Moon. :D

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http://www.spamhaus.org/rokso/index.lasso

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