At first glance, the Democratic nomination of James T. Kirk for the Presidential ticket seems like the sort of political no-brainer that nobody could argue with. After all, Kirk is a decorated war veteran - wounded three times in the line of duty, awarded not only the Medal of Honor but the Silver Palm with cluster - and an outspoken leader in the Klingon war.

Yes, Kirk has been written up several times for insubordination, a fact which Republicans have noted to much smoke and no heat. Kirk's a maverick, but Federation voters love a strong leader - and his missions usually ended in triumph, which Republicans may forget but the voters have not. (Also, most of his supposed transgressions involve the Prime Directive, an outdated and unpopular law that good conservatives have tried for years to repeal.)

But is James T. Kirk truly a war hero?

Kirk's Record

There are many allegations of Kirk's war crimes, so I think it's worthy of going over the changes.

The most serious charge involves an actual court-martial - a fact that the Kirk campaign consistently dodges. Kirk was tried for the death of Lt. Commander Benjamin Finney, who entered a pod under Kirk's command and was ejected into airless space. Kirk claims he set a red alert before pressing the eject button, but the computer records contradict this.

The questions that were raised by the trial remain unanswered. Finney's crewmates claim that Kirk "had it in" for Finney because of Finney's rapid rise through the ranks, and say that it was no accident. Alas, Kirk was declared innocent not because of strong evidence to the contrary, but due to records malfunction; a computer glitch rendered the records unusable at the last moment, and the case had to be dismissed due to insufficient evidence. Very convenient, that.

The next charge, which is much more nebulous, comes from Tarsus IV. The mysterious Governor Kodos executed more than 4,000 colonists on Tarsus IV to make the remaining food supplies last, but - and this is convenient for the Democratic party - Kirk was one of only nine surviving witnesses who could identify Kodos. Over the next decade, seven of those other witnesses died under mysterious circumstances. Even Kirk's most ardent supporters have to admit that it's strange that a man who commanded an entire colony was so secretive that only a few trusted Federation officers could identify him.

In the end, Kirk was one of two surviving people who could eye-witness Kodos, and the other - Lt. Kevin Riley - was poisoned soon after the issue was brought up again during a routine mission of the Enterprise. Is it not possible that Kirk was Kodos, giving commands under a shadow branch of the Federation?

The last charge is the most damning, but unfortunately it's the one that gets no press attention because the evidence comes from a non-Federated planet. Nonetheless, records from the planet Gideon show incontrovertibly that James T. Kirk is responsible for the deaths of at least five million people - and worse yet, the government calls him a hero! These non-Federated juntas may think the wholesale destruction of their enemies is worthy of praise, but we here at the Galactic Review do not.

Kirk's Inconsistency: More Serious Than Just A Lack Of Character?

The main problem with Kirk's approach, however, is that he can't seem to make up his mind. Years ago, he called openly for expansion against the Klingon Empire - and then, when he had succeeded and the Empire was on its knees, Kirk flip-flopped and called for alliance.

That inconsistency is not what the government needs right now in a time of terrorism. The Borg could strike at any moment - do we need a man who's willing to change his opinion to meet the needs of the voters?

But there is a more sinister explanation of the inconsistencies in Kirk's record. Recent evidence from all over has surfaced that paints a truly terrifying picture - that Kirk is not just wishy-washy on Borg incursions, but that the James T. Kirk who exists today may not be, quite literally, the James T. Kirk of yesterday.

The Galactic Review has cause to believe that Admiral James T. Kirk may actually be a plant put into place by remnants of the Romulan and Klingon shadow cabinets.

Recently-declassified Enterprise logs show that the five-year journey of the Enterprise discovered new technologies which, if handed to the Federation, would have created staggering advances in science and biophysics as we know it. Careful analysis of the ship's records show references to a complex enzyme (informally referred to in the hyper-blogging community as Scalosian water), which accelerates the user's metabolism to hundreds of times the normal speed - why has this not been given to Federation doctors to analyze?

Likewise, recently-declassified records show proven tests that large doses of a granular powder called kironide, when injected into the bloodstream, can induce spontaneous telekinetic powers. Kirk had first-hand evidence of an substance which, if it existed, would have changed the face of neuroscience as we know it.

Yet these many substances never made it back into the hands of Federation citizens.

Kirk is famed for stealing the Romulan Cloaking device technology, but strangely enough it's never worked consistently on Federation ships. Taken singly, these facts could mean nothing - but put them together, and we start to get a consistent picture of groundbreaking technology, discovered on Kirk's watch, that was never given to Federation hands.

Who, then, were these scientific advances given to?

A potential theory comes from the testimony of Dr. Coleman, who claims that an "ancient device used to swap minds" was used on Kirk by Janice Lester in an attempt to take over the Enterprise. The device eventually failed, a fact that we do not dispute given Coleman's reputation as an upstanding Republican... But who is to say that the enemies of the state will only try a tactic once? Is it not likely that at some point, this ancient mind-swapping device was handed over to the Romulans, just like all of the other forgotten tech that you the voters never saw, and fine-tuned until Kirk's personality could be swapped for one that was more convenient?

But long-buried records show something even more twisted: Recently-released Vulcan documents show that one James T. Kirk was pronounced dead by Doctor Leonard McCoy several years ago, during a Vulcan Koon-ut-kal-if-fee mating ritual that involved - you guessed it - his current running mate, Doctor Spock. Though the records are incomplete (apparently they were never submitted, which is in itself suspicious), the cause of death is recorded as violent impact. Some brave eyewitnesses from Vulcan report seeing Spock fight Kirk to the death... And yet Kirk is alive again later, with no explanation.

Was this when Kirk was replaced? And if so, that means the Vulcans are involved, turning this into a coordinated alien attack upon humanity.

The staging would be colossal. Everyone knows that Kirk is well-hated by both the Klingon Empire and the Romulans - his ruthless battles in the Neutral Zone confirm this. But at some point during his third year in service, there was a softening in approach that eventually mutated into the Kirk we know today... Climaxing in the Rura Pente trials, where it was "shown" that the Klingon Empire was trying to replace Kirk with a shapeshifter. Who, then, would suspect a previously-swapped Kirk?

Kirk's record, his deplorable war atrocities, his questionable history are all things that responsible citizens should - no, must - demand an answer to. We cannot risk electing a Klingon Manchurian Candidate.

Fortunately, the Soyuz-Class Starship Veterans for Truth have uncovered a lot of this information, and are taking out holocommercials as we speak. Someone will bring these long-suppressed actions to light.ccc

The Final Analysis

In the end, Kirk is not only someone who routinely changes his mind on issues, but he is not a man of faith. When he asked, "What does God need with a starship?" he showed a deep misunderstanding about the nature of God. Ours is not to question why; when we have a candidate who thinks he knows more than God Himself, we are electing a man who is sure to lead us to trouble.

The Galactic Review cannot in good faith recommend Kirk for President. Instead, we enthusiastically throw our weight behind Republican candidate Harcourt Fenton Mudd - a man of proven integrity, solid business sense, and sober thinking.

(Tell me I'm full of it)