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Clap Harder For Tinkerbell - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal

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December 23rd, 2015
09:55 am

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Clap Harder For Tinkerbell

One of my favorite monologues in the history of theater comes from Christopher Durang, in the play ‘Denity Crisis, wherein a character talks about attending a performance of Peter Pan when she was eight years old:

“You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that ‘Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won’t die.’ So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing Peter Pan turned to the audience and she said, ‘That wasn’t enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead.’ And then we all started to cry.”

…I may like twisted things.

But the point is, a friend of mine yesterday posted a snippet from an essay that said this:

“A person who uses the term ‘damaged’ to describe themselves is pigeonholing themselves into a trap of never wanting to heal. People don’t get ‘damaged.’ People get HURT. Hurt can heal.”

When I read this, what I I heard people was clapping very hard for a Tinkerbell who’d never get up.

For me, some wounds don’t heal – and it’s not for lack of trying. I know this, because I have had wounds that have healed up miraculously when I’ve applied effort to them, but…

Others have never been fixed. Despite decades of therapy, communication,and change.

Parts of me are broken, and that’s not because I didn’t want to fix them.

So for me, this advice is a lot like telling a paraplegic, “If you can’t walk, that’s because you didn’t try hard enough.” I think irreparable psychological damage happens. I think broken happens.

But I also think workarounds also happen. If you ask people what would happen if they got confined to a wheelchair, a lot of people say they’d end their lives. But most don’t. Most soldier on, and lots find ways to have satisfying lives around that central damage.

But for me – and keep that “for me” firmly in mind – while irreparable psychological damage happens and broke happens, then workarounds also happen. Workarounds are wonderful. Workarounds make you grow into newer and better places in life – places you might not have explored without the damage.

They find other strengths to keep functioning around that central loss – and to me, in a way, that’s even more miraculous than healing.

Yet when I said that to my friend, he responded very forcefully that I was wrong. He’d been through some terrible shit in his lifetime, also working with all sorts of psychological wounds – and he needed to believe that he could heal everything to get through the tremendous pains he’d had in life. And you know what?

He’s not wrong.

Maybe he can.

My journey is not everyone else’s – which, I think, is the worst and most callous error you can make. I think it’s true for me that I can’t heal every wound by willpower alone, but maybe he can – and if so, good for him.

And if it turns out he can’t heal every wound by pouring willpower into it…. So what? What he’s got is a philosophy that keeps him pushing forward. What that message is saying, at its core, is “Don’t give up” – and that’s not a bad message for people working through difficult issues.

I’m not giving up, either. I’m taking a different approach, and if he has to interpret my differing results as giving up, well – I don’t care. Not because I’m blowing him off, but because I’m happy for him that he’s found a philosophy that empowers him… even if that same philosophy would disempower me.

We’re all different, man. The reason that Christopher Durang monologue resonates with me is because it illustrates how different pasts can lead to different results. For me, I had a play in my past where I clapped until my palms bled, and we still buried Tinkerbell.

For my friend, maybe he got her back. Maybe most people do.

Maybe my experience is not theirs.

And that’s why I didn’t argue. He’s got something that works for him, for now, and maybe in a few years he’ll come around to my way of thinking. Or maybe I’ll come around to his.

But as long as we’re both fighting to improve our mental resilience and stability, he’s my brother. And I support him in finding whatever works for him.

Just as I support finding whatever works for me.

Cross-posted from Ferrett's Real Blog.

This entry has also been posted at http://theferrett.dreamwidth.org/516313.html. You can comment here, or comment there; makes no never-mind by me.

(9 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments
 
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From:drwex
Date:December 23rd, 2015 03:53 pm (UTC)

I'm with you on this one

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Damage is different from hurt, both physical and mental/psychological. You cannot will your brain chemistry to be different than it is, nor can you will away your past or your past responses.

I'm glad this guy has never had a thing he cannot recover from, get through, or whatever his path is. Good on him. But that's nohow a universal truth.
From:anonymousalex
Date:December 23rd, 2015 04:42 pm (UTC)
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Do that many people really think they'd kill themselves if they became wheelchair-bound? I mean, that strikes me as being in the large category of things where if it happened to me, duh, I'd probably do more or less the same as what the people it does happen to do.

-Alex
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From:fallconsmate
Date:December 23rd, 2015 06:40 pm (UTC)
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you are definitely not wrong. there are hurts, then there are harms. harms (to me) are the ones i have to find a workaround, or they keep hurting me forever.

maybe the man you speak of has never been harmed, just has deep, deep wounds caused by hurts. i don't know.

but i know my life, and how sometimes those harms are there forever. why do i say harms? because i see it as a doctor's point of view. they take a vow to "first, do no harm". that doesn't mean that they don't cause hurt, in the case of surgery to fix something, for example. but hurts heal. harms last forever.
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From:seventorches
Date:December 23rd, 2015 09:37 pm (UTC)
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Yep, you've put your finger on the problem I have when people exhort each other to FORGIVE NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE IT WILL HELP YOU HEAAAALLLL
From:dellcartoons
Date:December 23rd, 2015 10:02 pm (UTC)
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I notice that a lot of your essays say, "This might be true for you; that doesn't mean it's true for everyone. One size does not fit all. YMMV."

This actually is a good point, one I myself occasionally have difficulty grasping.
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From:cinema_babe
Date:December 24th, 2015 12:18 am (UTC)
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When I think of damaged I think of someone who chooses to let something traumatic prevent them from being functional. I like broken because broken doesn't mean that it can be as good as new, something broken is rarely as good as new.

To me, the work around is how broken gets fixed (or at least becomes functional).
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From:gows
Date:December 24th, 2015 06:17 am (UTC)
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One of my very favorite lines about this topic comes from the Oscar-winning movie Damage, with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche.

"Damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive."

I've only ever seen the movie once, some 20+ years ago, but that line sticks with me.
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From:xuenay
Date:December 24th, 2015 05:13 pm (UTC)
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“A person who uses the term ‘damaged’ to describe themselves is pigeonholing themselves into a trap of never wanting to heal. People don’t get ‘damaged.’ People get HURT. Hurt can heal.”

Amusingly, my first reaction to reading this was "but... damage can be repaired, while not all wounds necessarily heal".
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From:callie_chan
Date:December 25th, 2015 09:44 pm (UTC)
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The problem with your friend is that he is in fact saying "I have to believe this is true for me, so I'm going to pass judgment on people who think differently because their beliefs undermine my own". His statement wasn't about just himself; it was about how other people describe themselves, how other people approach whatever hurts they've suffered - and he's objecting to how they cope because he wants them to cater to how he needs to cope.

I fully support him believing everything and anything he wants as it applies to himself, especially if that's what he needs to heal. If he was talking about how people talk about his damage, I'd have no complaints to make. But I don't support him insisting that other people are wrong for thinking/approaching/feeling things differently than he does, which is exactly how his blanket statement reads.
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