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March 11th, 2008

March 11th, 2008
08:54 am [Link]	Surprise Buttsex: Surprisingly Difficult It's true. The world is in love with buttsex. Specifically, surprise buttsex. But though Teh Intarwebs are alive with surprise buttsex cat macros and demotivational posters, the actual act of surprise buttsex (alt: surprise buttsecks) is actually hard to find. After all, surprises are difficult to pull off. Let's take a prisoner. He walks into the shower, bends over to pick up the soap, and surprise! Buttsex. But is that really a surprise? No! After all, the man's in prison. He knows buttsex is on the agenda. In fact, he's probably made preparations, Andy Dufresne-style, to avoid said buttsex. Thus, when it inevitably happens, it's not really a surprise. I would posit, my friends, that this is unscheduled buttsex. Certainly unwanted buttsex. But a surprise? I think not. Likewise, I know many people in BDSM relationships who claim to love the surprise buttsex. They have dominant partners who come home and just ram them through that O-ring, yanking down their pants and stinking the pink without warning. But again, covertly, these people expect this. They have a relationship that contains multitudes of unscheduled buttsex, but when it happens they're not like, "Wha? What is this you are doing, sirrah!" No, they indeed know that the buttsexing has arrived, and in that sense it's like the "surprise" party you get on your birthday when all your friends have been scurrying about and pretending to ignore you. Once again, it's unscheduled. But is that a surprise? I say thee nay! No, I maintain there's only one true style of surprise buttsex, and it doesn't involve any sort of innocent cavorting, as shown erroneously by the many photos 'pon the Internet. That surprise buttsex is the only kind that really matters, the font from which all other buttsexen flow: the wayward thrust. I've done it myself. Twice. You're arriving from behind, the girl is quite moist, and the two of you are enthusiastically coupling. And you pull out just a little too hard, and she's a little too lubricated for her own good, and when you ram little Elvis home you discover you have docked, erroneously, in the wrong place. You can tell when it's happened. There's no full-body tense quite like a surprise buttsex tense. They become, for a moment, as immobile as a china doll, all their muscles locked into place, as you realize you've achieved the whole, up-to-the-hilt buttsexing without an instant of foreplay or warning. They make no noise, their lungs as locked as the rest of their body by this sudden invasion. And then, in a strangled voice, they ask you to remove the protuberance. That is a true surprise, my friends. But it doesn't involve foxes frolicking merrily, or even the Burger King man leaping at you from behind. No, this is a very special moment you've shared with your loved one, a time so intimate you wouldn't dare cat macro it. In fact, you won't even share it with strangers, so personal and and beautiful is this instant. Just you. And her. And one big ol' surprise rammed halfway up her colon. That is the beauty of surprise buttsex. (64 shouts of denial | tell me I'm full of it)
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09:19 am [Link]	Gosh, Why Would He Ask? Does anyone know where I can get the Rock Band font? The stylized headline font that shows up when the characters freeze-frame and their name appears on-screen? Just askin'. (4 shouts of denial | tell me I'm full of it)
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12:09 pm [Link]	Since It's Relevant... Why I Abandoned The D20 System I run my Planescape campaign in Hero System rules. This post explains why, and talks about a lot of the problems I had with 3rd Edition at higher levels. Many people said I was too stingy with the magic items. That may be, but not according to the DM's guide. And the issue of one-shot kills was something so prevalent it was actually addressed in the Epic guide. Anyway, some folks seemed to think that D&D was both simple to learn (HAH!) and strategically complex (which may be true, but it's not what I've experienced using Hero system). Just a point of data for y'all. (40 shouts of denial | tell me I'm full of it)