The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - February 15th, 2008
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08:59 am
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Friday Night FIGHT!
So. I'll take all comers in a moment. But first, bear with me while I get the Big Three out of the way.
Superman vs. A Jedi
The answer to this one is, clearly, Superman. People want the Jedi to win, but the issue with Jedi is that they got defeated by friggin' Stormtroopers. In other words, "Mooks with guns" > "Jedi." You wouldn't catch Superman getting punked by some tarted-up bank robber. To Superman, bank robbers are like dandruff - an annoyance, easily defeated, that just won't go away.
Sure, you can give the Jedi a kryptonite lightsaber - kryptonite's a crystal, you can work with it - but then they have to get close to Superman. Supes can stand half a mile away and just knock 'em over with his superbreath. He's got range from hell. Plus, it's not like Superman hasn't been shot with kryptonite bullets before, and he lived. Hence, it's gotta go to Superman.
Now, there is one slight exception: The Jedi in the Clone Wars cartoon series were low-level superheroes. They were amazing; Mace Windu defeated a whole army of robots pretty much by waving his pinky. The Jedi in the movies never displayed an array of powers anything close to what we saw in the Clone Wars - they just stood around and got shot or stabbed, mostly - so I'm assuming that Clone Wars is the internal propaganda of the Jedi empire, kind of like the way North Korea claims that Kim Jong-il routinely hits three or four hole-in-ones during every round of golf.
Assuming that the Clone Wars Jedi were the real Jedi? Well, then, man, it'd be on.
Luke Skywalker vs. James Tiberius Kirk
Kirk wins in a walk.
"Aren't you a Star Wars fan?" people cry. "Aren't you a Luke Skywalker fan?" they cry harder. And indeed, I'm a huge Luke fan. I think that at the end of RotJ, he's as good as any Jedi who ever was. But Kirk's whole resume might as well read:
"Find people with superhuman abilities. Defeat them."
Seriously. He gets up in the morning and beats the crap out of two or three overpowered alien entities before he brushes his damn teeth. He defeated Gods. Luke would probably go the distance, lasting about forty-five minutes before Kirk found his weakness, but Kirk triumphs.
Star Wars vs. Star Trek
Again, no question: Star Wars. Why? Because Star Trek's technology is shit, always breaking down at the most inconvenient moments. There's always some sort of transporter beam problem or a warp drive overload in Trek, whereas the only time things break down in Star Wars is when the rebels are cutting the cables. And getting a Blue Screen of Death in the middle of a starship-on-starship fight is pure death.
Oh, yeah, the Enterprise people can transport. But not through shields, and every Star Wars ship worth boarding has shields. Yeah, you can give me some sort of bullshit about how they have different shields, but that's just crazy talk.
So. Here's the issue for today:
What fictional characters would you like to see face off in the arena of death? I'll tell you who wins, and why. No arguments, 'cause I'm right. You know it in your heart of hearts.
Go.
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