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August 24th, 2004 - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal

August 24th, 2004

August 24th, 2004
07:42 am

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A Thought, Based On A Discussion With A Friend

I think you can usually get a baseline on how good someone will be in bed by how they give you a massage.

Don't get me wrong, here - it's not a foolproof system. Massages won't tell you if your potential partner's anorgasmic, or if they're disgusted by oral sex, or if they freeze up whenever an intimacy barrier gets passed. But the way someone touches your skin gives you valuable data points about their sensitivity.

A brief temple massage or neckrub can give you valuable clues:

  • You can see whether they know where to touch you. Not everyone likes being touched in the same areas, of course... But if someone knows the right muscles to squeeze on your back, they usually know the right muscles to squeeze elsewhere.
  • You can see how bold they are about it. Some people are terrified to be in human contact, and that terror usually transfers to the boudoir. If they're skittish about rubbing your neck, chances are good you're going to have to be more aggressive in bed (which may or may not suit your needs).
  • You can see how heavy their touch is. Some people touch very gently, giving you butterfly kisses with their hands; others bear right into you, tearing flesh from bone. (This is the least accurate impression, however, as some people have been trained in a massage technique. I've been surprised. However, most of the flesh-tearing women went on to lever my penis like it was a gearshift and they were desperate to win the Indy 500.)
  • You can see how sensual it is. Some of the massage therapists I've known have discussed how they have to dial down their sexuality for massages; some people just have a touch that imparts a certain erotic charge which can be embarrassing in professional situations. If you're willing to lay back and explore (which isn't always doable, especially if it's in a room full of people), you can see whether there's that spark.
  • And most importantly, you can see whether they react to your reaction. There are people who have A Massage that they give, and you're going to get it whether you're enjoying it or not. But the most important carnal skill is the ability to read your partner and improvise on the fly. If the person who's giving you a backrub notices your discomfort and changes approaches, if they shift areas to make sure no one part becomes oversaturated, if they bear down a little more... Then you've probably struck gold.

In a pinch, you can sometimes read into it from the body contact provided by a hug, but that's a lot more difficult (and a lot creepier, depending on the nature of the hug).

I'm not saying that every backrub should be a testing zone for a new lover, of course; sometimes, a backrub is just a backrub. Nor are these clues infallible. But I'm saying that if you're in the market for a new bed-buddy, you can frequently use the warmups to see if they're worth pursuing the rest of the way.

(69 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

TimeEvent
12:05 pm

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Lucas And Suck Wars
Okay; as a long-time Star Wars fan, I am going to see Episode III. I know this. My money is earmarked. But I intend to see it for the same reason I slow down on highways to look at interesting car crashes.

But if there is a new series, Lucas can rot. I won't go to see Episode 7, nor 8, nor 9. I have no interest in his new characters, and his political plots have sucked moose ass thus far. And so I ask you, loyal readers, an important question:
Poll #340293 Where Do You Draw The Line?

Will You See Episode III In The Theaters When It Comes Out?

Yes
284(56.5%)
No, and I am a Star Wars fan (or used to be)
155(30.8%)
No, because I wasn't particularly interested in Star Wars in the first place
64(12.7%)

Will You See Episode VII In The Theaters When It Comes Out?

Yes
199(39.9%)
No, and I am a Star Wars fan (or used to be)
227(45.5%)
No, because I wasn't particularly interested in the first place
73(14.6%)
(And for the record, an inside source of nebulous veracity claims it's just a rumor. So we may never have to see the horror.)

(66 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

TimeEvent
01:15 pm

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A Minor Irritation
So whenever I see one of those stupidly-generated "Hey, we sifted through your Friends list and chose a name at random" quizzes, I always get irritated by the ludicrously-inflated numbers.

Yes, as a pirate you'll kill 78,243 people on your quest for the Holy Fuckbucket. And by gosh, when you sleep with El-Jay User=RandomFriend, you'll do it 371 times and have 27,016 orgasms! And when you win the lottery, you'll get 118,273,235,352,609,442,988,721,851 dollars - more than the entire budget of everyone on earth! That's how cool you are!

But why stop there? Why don't you go sleep with 9,124,531,572 people, including dead folks, grampas in soiled diapers, and babies wailing in the crib in your endless quest to fuck as many people as this hi-tech Mad Libs has prophecied? Why not spend the rest of your days consumed in a priapic (or satyric) frenzy of copulation, your knees bleeding, your private parts reduced to a rug-burned welter of sprung blisters, as you relentlessly carry out your quest to have 458,748,512,878,328,729,875,852,854,265,265,453,524 orgasms?

For Christ's sake, if you're going to pick a number, make it a realistic one. The whole "You'll win a million billion zillion whatevers!" makes me want to vomit 74,374,634,254,173.68473647,641,974,135,463,413,664,163,413,471 times.

(56 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

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