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How I Pray To God - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal
January 14th, 2013
08:47 pm

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How I Pray To God
On Saturday, I went in to the ER out of due diligence; I had nebulous chest pains, knowing damn well my father had been to the ER twice for gas, but in light of past medical history I wasn't taking any chances.  And at first, things were fine; my EKG was fine, chest X-ray fine, ultrasound was fine.  After six hours, I was bored.

Then the bloodwork started showing enzymes which indicated my heart muscles were ripping themselves to shreds.  And my blood pressure was skyrocketing.  And my pain was not stopping. 

They admitted me for the weekend.  And after a while, my daughter Erin and my friend Heather left to go home, leaving me isolated in the Cardiac ICU, what with Gini away in Michigan.  (I'd told her to stay there, this was boring and she could do nothing.) 

Just as I was starting to sleep, my next-door neighbor had a Code Blue: potentially fatal heart failure.  And as I listened to them yelling and trying to resuscitate her, I began to pray. 

Thank you, God, I thought.  Even if I die tonight, the life You have given me has been so amazing that I can scarcely believe in.  The love of Gini, of my daughters, of my Mom and Dad, of my clever girlfriend, of all my wonderful online friends, the joy you've sent me... it's more than enough.  It's been something that even if it ends here, it has been immeasurably beautifulThank you. 

I did not ask for more life, or a respite from pain.  I just sat there for half an hour, weeping with gratitude, glad that so much had been gifted to me and hoping that I had done at least a little of what He had wanted.  That I'd helped someone when they were down.  That I'd helped put more joy into this world than anger.  That I'd carried out what He'd asked. 

So it was that I fell asleep, comforted.  I have never asked God for anything, only that I be a better servant to Him, or Her, or It, or whatever unnameable thing I believe exists out there, watching over us.  And I thanked Him for Gini.  And all the other things that I was gifted, and probably didn't deserve. 

There is a small chance that these will be the last words I ever write on this blog.  And if they are... let them be thanks and love. 

(88 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments
 
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From:mariadkins
Date:January 15th, 2013 01:52 am (UTC)
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love you.
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From:j_cheney
Date:January 15th, 2013 01:55 am (UTC)
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::sending hugs:: I'm hoping they're not ;o)

(Not the last, I mean)

Edited at 2013-01-15 01:55 am (UTC)
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From:aiela
Date:January 15th, 2013 01:55 am (UTC)
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You are loved. In immeasurable amounts, in immeasurable ways.
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From:sterling_raptor
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:01 am (UTC)
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I'm praying for you and your family. I remember how scary it was sitting in the Vanderbilt Cardiac ICU waiting to hear anything about AJ. I'm so proud of you for being diligent. I hope your procedure goes well and you heal rapidly. If you guys have any questions, I will be happy to tell you whatever AJ and me have learned.
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From:jarodrussell
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:03 am (UTC)
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God speed, Ferrett.
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From:kellirose1313
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:04 am (UTC)
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Our family's thoughts are with you and Gini tonight and tomorrow.
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From:shadowriderhope
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:05 am (UTC)
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So many hugs and such love for you, dear....
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From:shefa
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:11 am (UTC)
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I'm so glad you went to the ER and stayed even though it was boring. All that fruit eating has to earn you some points for tomorrow, right?

~sending healing vibes and the best of all wishes
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From:xjenavivex
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:12 am (UTC)
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Thinking of you and your family.
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From:kathrynrose
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:16 am (UTC)
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I love you and I'm sending warm bright healing mojo.

And this post was beautiful and made me cry.
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From:gows
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:16 am (UTC)
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*nod*

A forewarning of one's mortality can be a beautiful and comforting thing, if one has lived well.
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From:midnight21
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:25 am (UTC)
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There is no right or wrong way to speak to God as long as it comes straight from your heart.

In 2005, I went through a bad relationship with my ex boyfriend and I dumped him the day after he took advantage of me against my will. When I went to the doctor a few days later to get tested for STDs, the results showed that I had HPV and signs of cervical cancer. I was devastated and scared of the treatments I may be facing.

For the first time in a long time, I turned to God for help, confessing my sins and asking him and the holy spirit to come back into my life and take control of it. A few days later, I went in for a biopsy and the signs of cancer that I had disappeared. I was mysteriously healed and the doctors were looking at me, scratching their heads with confusion. It made me realize how lucky I was to be spared from this and I vowed never to let anyone take advantage of me again. I was lucky this time, next time I might not be. It was a learning lesson I'll never forget.

Since then, my faith in God grew, although I struggled with it big time, especially when I lived in an unhealthy environment. When I least expected it, that too came to pass and I found myself moving to a much bigger apartment last year. But there was a catch... I had to give up my beloved cat Morgan because I couldn't find a place that accepted both of us. I was again devastated and I lost my faith in God again, thinking that he wants me to be alone for the rest of my life.

Just recently, I pulled myself back together and I found myself praying to God again. Not only for myself but of others too and those feelings of emptiness and despair are slowly disappearing. I now have faith again that my life will change when I don't expect it and I will be happy again.

Lesson learned? God works in mysterious ways and the quote "god only helps those who helps themselves" does not exist. you are not God... you can't make things happen out of nothing. You have to turn to him and lay everything that is bothering you at his feet. then you will see for yourself how things will change according to God's will and not your own. You will see that you are healing. You will see that your life is changing. You will see opportunities for you to take that you never even thought of. You will see.

God bless you.

I hope everything gets better for you soon!

Edited at 2013-01-15 02:37 am (UTC)
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From:dornbeast
Date:January 15th, 2013 09:50 pm (UTC)
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...the quote "god only helps those who helps themselves" does not exist...

Actually, it's a misquote. The correct quote is, "The gods help those who help themselves," and the short story it comes from attributes that quote to Hercules. (Short of it: Farmer gets his cart stuck in a ditch, and only prays, doesn't push. Hercules tells him off.)

In any case, it's not in any actual writings of any religion anywhere, as far as I know.

Edited at 2013-01-15 09:51 pm (UTC)
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From:tormentedartist
Date:January 15th, 2013 02:33 am (UTC)
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*hugs and good vibes*
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