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All The Cool Kids Were Doing It: Day Three - The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal
January 20th, 2011
09:15 am

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All The Cool Kids Were Doing It: Day Three
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

This is a dangerous meme for two reasons: first, I know that my partners will start comparing themselves against this list to see where they fall short. Don't, sweeties. I love you. Second, traditionally "Win my heart" means romance, but don't be fooled: though I discuss women, there are a lot of guys who've won my heart by matching these criteria.

1) Way #1 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Bold.
I'm not a big fan of shy, in general. I like loud women, women with a big laugh, women who'll state what's on their minds. I like women who go, "I like you, Ferrett. Let us conjoin and be beloved!"

Way #2 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Funny.
I'm not dating anyone who's not silly on some level, because one of my deepest joys in life in life is snuggling in bed with someone and playing the "Who can have the strangest conversation game?" And the funnier you can be while we're having ludicrous conversations, the better.

Way #3 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Honest and Straightforward.
Part of the reason I like women who go, "I like you, Ferrett - let us conjoin and be beloved!" is because of the boldness. The other part is because it's exemplary of a fundamental honesty - by saying that, I know that you're willing to tell me what you want without dissembling. I like women who are willing to tell me what they need, without fear of hurting my feelings, because having to hack through a thorny thicket of "I don't want to tell you what I'm feeling because..." is always draining and counterproductive for me.

Way #4 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Know What You Want....
Again, hacking through dense patches of "I'm not sure what I want" is always tedious, whether it's about where you want to be in this relationship or what kind of food we're having for dinner. I like a woman who's in touch with herself enough to know what she desires, whether that's an emotional commitment or a trip to see the latest Oscar movie.

Way #5 To Win Ferrett's Heart: ...and Be Passionate Enough To Pursue It.
This comes up a lot on other people's lists, but I love people who love things - any things - even things I don't like. I'm not a baseball fan, but if someone's really into it, I can have the most fascinating conversations with them as I find out what they like about it. If you're a strong fan of anything, pursuing it all the way down, then chances are good you've won a little bit of my heart already. I love a deep love of the world.

Way #6 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Unashamed Of Your Sexuality.
There is a subtle difference here between "slutty" and "unashamed." I define "slutty" as the kind of woman who has to bring up sex all the time no matter what, hitting on almost everyone, because secretly sex is filling another need in her life that's going unfulfilled... Which isn't the most awful thing a person can be, but it does make me a little sad. Unashamed, however, is enjoying sex and not being afraid to discuss that love in the sense that you'd discuss a love of a television program or the news or anything else in your life. In other words, sex as a bold portion of a nutritionally balanced breakfast.

Way #7 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Wrong.
While I like bold people, absolute certainty is a turn-off. If you're talking to me at a party and your boss is a total jerk and your last boyfriend screwed you over and your mother is a bitch, chances are I'm wondering, So what part did you play in any of this? I like a woman who, when discussing her divorce, will discuss not only her husband's foibles, which may well be numerous, but is also willing to acknowledge the part she played in making it worse. I like a woman who can see the other side, and acknowledge that though she has intense political beliefs, the other side also has valid concerns. I like a woman who can argue and acknowledge that her feelings may not be based in purest logic, but are viable nonetheless.

Way #8 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Good with Words.
You don't have to be a professional writer, but being able to write long, involved emails goes a long way. I fell in love with my wife thanks to words. Words matter. Being able to wrangle them properly always makes me fall a little for you.

This entry has also been posted at http://theferrett.dreamwidth.org/63407.html. You can comment here, or comment there; makes no never-mind by me.

(75 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

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From:flirty_deb
Date:January 20th, 2011 02:33 pm (UTC)
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Awesome. Way #8 I'm not so good with, but I love reading your posts, and I do enjoy people with whom I can have a discussion and not have to explain my choice of words.
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From:badnoodles
Date:January 20th, 2011 04:58 pm (UTC)
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This is so true. If I have to stop every couple of paragraphs to define a term like "juxtapose" or "lipid", I know you are not for me.
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From:bart_calendar
Date:January 20th, 2011 02:35 pm (UTC)
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Personally, I like women who like watching sunsets on the beach, are just as comfortable in a cocktail dress as they are in a pair of jeans who aren't looking for a game player who loves to laugh, wants to live life to the fullest who can't believe she's trying an online dating site but is tired of drama, likes all kinds of music and is looking for a partner in crime.

If only I could find someone online like that.

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From:theferrett
Date:January 20th, 2011 03:22 pm (UTC)
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Any woman who tells me she likes watching sunsets on the beach, however, gets eliminated just because she's being so cliched.

Actually, I think "Not being cliched" is #9.
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From:jfargo
Date:January 20th, 2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
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Okay. I don't do memes (often) but I think this is one that I have to do. My take on this topic makes me want to go through the whole thing and do it.

Thank you for the inspiration. I've seen this several times and enjoyed it but yours makes me want to write my own.
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From:theferrett
Date:January 20th, 2011 03:21 pm (UTC)
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Wow. I've disagreed with a lot of comments in my time, but never so much as this one. "High-status"? Hell, I've known a fair number of low-status women at cons, women working minimum-wage jobs to try to go to community college, who fall into this category.

You do not have to be rich to be bold or confident. It helps. But to assume that everyone who is confident, in-touch, and sexual is essentially a rich person is the kind of negative blanket statement that actually makes me feel sad for you that you view the world in that kind of way. I mean, if you seriously feel that being rich and powerful is the only way to own your feelings and be open about them, then you've got even more issues than I do.
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From:enggirl
Date:January 20th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
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Damn. You make me want to go back and redo my list! :)
Especially the "be good with words" part. I think I need an "18 ways to win my heart" list...
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From:kaelstra
Date:January 20th, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
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Way #6 To Win Ferrett's Heart: Be Unashamed Of Your Sexuality.
There is a subtle difference here between "slutty" and "unashamed." I define "slutty" as the kind of woman who has to bring up sex all the time no matter what, hitting on almost everyone, because secretly sex is filling another need in her life that's going unfulfilled... Which isn't the most awful thing a person can be, but it does make me a little sad. Unashamed, however, is enjoying sex and not being afraid to discuss that love in the sense that you'd discuss a love of a television program or the news or anything else in your life. In other words, sex as a bold portion of a nutritionally balanced breakfast.


Ugh, you lost me there. "Slut" is just a term designed to shame a woman for her sexuality, in any capacity, that is considered "too much sex" for the person using the term. It's a term that almost exclusively attacks women for their sexuality. It's basically a sexist, awful, term, and it needs to stop getting used. To see you use it, and to ascribe it specifically to women for being more sexual than you are personally comfortable with is it's nigh-classical misogynistic use, and that really saddens me.

I've followed you a long time, Ferrett, and I've enjoyed reading your blog, and I thank you for the insights, but when you start labeling women as "sluts" for any reason, I'm out. I'm not someone who comments regularly, so I'm sure it won't mean much either way, but I make it a point in my life not to surround myself with slut-shaming misogyny, I have to deal with it every day everywhere else I go.

But it's nice to know I can win your heart if I'm not "slutty". Sluts don't deserve love, and clearly have something wrong with them, if they like sex more than what The Ferrett is capable of handling.
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From:theferrett
Date:January 20th, 2011 04:32 pm (UTC)
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And you lost me by using what YOU define as "slutty" to completely override what I wrote, and completely ignoring the fact that I specifically said that it "isn't the most awful thing a person can be."

Shit, the women I sleep with often want more sex than I can handle. That's not the point, and to imply that is a rather insipid and personal attack that really ignores my whole history of encouraging women to HAVE sex. The point is that there ARE women who often use sex as a form of making up for something else in their lives, just as men do (who I'd also refer to as "slutty," noting carefully that it'd probably be an apt description of me in my twenties), and to act as though those women don't exist is ignoring reality.

If you'd like to use a different term for it, fine. But frankly, your whole torrent here seems to imply that OMG THOSE WOMEN DON'T EXIST ALL WOMEN WHO FUCK A LOT ARE PERFECTLY HEALTHY - which is equally as stupid as claiming that all women who fuck a lot are totally screwed up. It's not about what I'm comfortable with - it's about the reasons people have sex, not the amount.

(And yes, I do know you, and I'd be sad to see you go, but if your attitude is so triggered by a single word that you literally can't see another definition nor can engage in discussion about it, perhaps that's for the best.)

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From:badnoodles
Date:January 20th, 2011 05:15 pm (UTC)
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High on everyone's list of attractive traits is "sense of humor", and for good reason. Everybody wants someone else who will make them laugh. Laughing feels good, and laughing together feels even better.

But I think a lot of partner-seekers don't realize that what they are really looking for is someone whose sense of comedy is compatible with their own. If you adore black humor, you may not get on at all with a slapstick punster even though both of you definitely have a sense of humor.

I, for example, will never stop finding dead baby jokes and other types of 'shock' humor funny. I would never get along well with someone who took umbrage at them rather than giggling.
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From:mirablu
Date:January 20th, 2011 05:33 pm (UTC)
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Now, me, I want a girl with a mind like a diamond. I want a girl who knows what's best. I want a girl with shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes.
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From:smallekins
Date:January 20th, 2011 06:13 pm (UTC)
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Well, I want a girl with the right allocations, who's fast and thorough and sharp as a tack. She's playing with her jewelry, she's putting up her hair, she's touring the facility and picking up slack...
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From:ammie_warrior
Date:January 20th, 2011 07:52 pm (UTC)
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I think I'd agree with most of that. This meme intrigues me but my British reserve is making me think twice about doing it myself.
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From:ravenblack
Date:January 20th, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC)
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Your #7 rubs me the wrong way a little bit, even while I agree with it, because sometimes people do have a situation in which three people in their life are obnoxious, and maybe it's more interesting to talk about that than about the three boyfriends before the one who screwed you over, who were all fine and the relationships broke up fairly agreeably with no harm done.

Which is to say, sometimes people bitching about other people aren't screwed up, or at least, not more than maybe being a bit negative in talking about it rather than talking about lolcats or whatever.

But I also agree that sometimes people bitching about other people, eg. "everyone I've ever dated has been crazy," probably do have something wrong with them.
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From:theferrett
Date:January 24th, 2011 07:00 pm (UTC)
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sometimes people bitching about other people aren't screwed up, or at least, not more than maybe being a bit negative in talking about it rather than talking about lolcats or whatever.

The key word here is "sometimes." What I'm discussing is a constant flow of it.
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From:phroexx
Date:January 20th, 2011 08:43 pm (UTC)
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first, I know that my partners will start comparing themselves against this list to see where they fall short. Don't, sweeties. I love you.

Good luck with that one. In my experience, no human can resist comparing themselves to a list*. I once post Heinlein's list on what a "real man" should be able to do, and men were lining up, discussing what did and did not apply to them. Mind you, this list included stealing and helming a starship, but that didn't seem to bother anyone at the time.

*Unless you mention this too soon, at which point some idiot always shouts, "I wasn't, I wasn't!" Really? Good for you.
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From:aiela
Date:January 21st, 2011 02:58 pm (UTC)
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As one of the aforementioned, I found the list fascinating in that I could see where I hit it and where I don't, and am confident enough in the spots where I do to not lose much sleep over the spots where I don't.

But you're right, of course. It's human nature to compare. ;)
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From:kisekinotenshi
Date:January 20th, 2011 09:57 pm (UTC)
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I fail most at the "not being shy" and "know what you want" categories. But that's okay, because I'm not actively attempting to win your heart currently. XD
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From:roniliquidity
Date:January 20th, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
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I was going to comment that sounds like a lot of women hanging around here have won a bit of your heart, then realized that's probably absolutely true.
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From:theferrett
Date:January 24th, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
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This is extremely true. It's not too hard, really.
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From:littlebuhnee
Date:January 20th, 2011 10:41 pm (UTC)
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*takes notes*
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From:gypsy_kitty
Date:January 20th, 2011 11:11 pm (UTC)
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hacking through dense patches of "I'm not sure what I want" is always tedious, whether it's about where you want to be in this relationship or what kind of food we're having for dinner

I am notorious for not knowing what I want for dinner. I attribute it to the fact that I'm rarely hungry .. and that I'm relatively easy to please at a restaurant - I can always find something on the menu that sounds good. So, more often than not, I will defer to the person who "has a taste" for something. If pressed, I will tell you what I don't want - but for the most part, this is never something I put a fuss about.
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From:ravenblack
Date:January 21st, 2011 12:08 am (UTC)
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Are you absolutely sure this is what you do? Because a lot of people who firmly believe this is what they do, what they actually do is "oh I'm happy with whatever." "how about sushi?" "oh no, not sushi." "Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Pizza?" "Ehhh, I had pizza a couple of days ago." "How about you pick something?" "Oh, I don't mind, whatever!"
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