The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - Riot!, Track #8

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January 9th, 2009
08:15 am

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Riot!, Track #8
I can crush on someone with just a smile that they give me, or from one conversations about ponies and magic. Those are the weak crushes - but that doesn't stop my heart from being given so easily, sliced into thin little segments that get handed to total strangers, thrown out to their souls like wax boats thrown into a river. I'm a romantic, the lines between "friendship" and "affection" and "love" blurring crazily into something that is, in the end, so personal and inexpressible that my crushes meld effortlessly with my skeleton.

It's a part of me, as instinctive and unstoppable as the breath in my lungs. When my crushes die, so will most of me.

But those crushes break down into sub-crushes. And I was thinking about the taxonomy of crushing for me, dissecting them down into their components, because when you have so many crushes in varying waves, you think about these things. Here are mine:

The Crush Crush.
This is the standard kind of crush - the silly little girl-like crush I carry with me, sighing whenever I see her, going, "She's so dreamy." It's not strong enough that I'd ever consider leaving my first and most intense crush - my tie to my wife is with steel cables laced with titanium - and I don't spend my days thinking of my crushee.

Still, whenever the crush crush appears on my friends' list, or pings me on OKCupid, I feel that little kick inside my chest of, "It's her!" And when she does something I approve of, I silently pump the fist and go, "She is so awesome." There's a tiny part inside that floats for this woman - not a serious affection, but a little grease that lubricates the rest of the day, a happy little thought that "I like her and she thinks I'm cool. So it must be at least a little true, this coolness."

It's the little lifts like which get me through the day.

The Brain-Crush.
Do I have the slightest idea what she looks like? Hell no. She's just words on a page. But what words! I don't care what her physical form is like, some bit of her synapses have crossed a span to connect with my own - we're moving in sync, our philosophies melded in some strange way. When she posts, I don't always skim it; sometimes I tuck it away as a morsel to devour in greater depth later on.

This could probably grow into a Crush Crush if I ever saw a picture of her, or if she flirted with me, but most of them don't. As it is, I'm just outrageously happy that they consider me colleagues of some sort. When they leave a comment, I do a little dance.

(This crush? The example is female, and they generally are, but there are a couple of guys on this list. When the crush is intellectual, it crosses my boundaries, though it doesn't become sexual.)

The Man-Crush.
These are almost always celebrities. I'm not gay, but David Boreanaz and Seth Green could probably talk me into sliding a few points on the Kinsey Scale.

The Lost-Crush.
There are maybe three of these in my life, and I can list them by name. At one point, we dated. Then I did some damn fool thing that chased them off, which I will bitterly regret for the rest of my life. Are they that perfect? Probably not. But there's a part of me that nurtures that loss, makes them sweeter and wiser over time, their flaws dropping by the wayside until they've been sculpted into an angel.

I'm sure they're not the women I think they are. They can't be; by shunning me, they have become Goddesses. But I crush anyway, this one a steel toe pressing down on my heart, reminding me at the core that I'm unworthy. And for a while, they loved me.

For a while.

The Unrequited Crush.
They don't know that I like them - whether because I'm sure it would creep them out, or whether because I fear maybe they'd be available if I asked. These are my deepest crushes, the ones that never see the light of day - and in the absence of expression, they've fermented into a distilled longing thing, something I don't want to think about and don't entirely trust.

There aren't that many of them. Just a handful. Enough to sting sometimes.

Sometimes, if they update with fresh items, I look at their photos. They would never know. I've never said a damn thing to them. But I think about how beautiful they are to me, and I hope with all my heart they're happy; I wish them the best. They excel on every level I can think of, so I beam them as much karma as I can spare - and then I tuck them away, where creepy old me won't bother them, and hope to not think of them for another month.

The Gini Crush.
It never ends, you know. When I'm driving, sometimes I just call her to hear her voice. When I get a text from her, I stop everything and smile. When she takes off her shirt just before she comes to bed, I wriggle happily underneath the sheets because this is about to get in bed stark naked with me, and the joy never fucking ends.

Sometimes, you look at a woman who was your friend for years before you finally doped out that she should be your wife. And sometimes - if you're very lucky - you discover that Eternal Flame of crushing, the beacon that outshines every other crush, the warm hand in the movie theater, the nuzzle in the bathroom.

All my other crushes are beautiful. All my other crushes are smart. But only one is the power and the glory. And that's Gini.

She smiles, and they all vanish like dew when the sun shines. I don't mind.

(Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments
 
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From:[info]rogue0703
Date:January 9th, 2009 02:08 pm (UTC)
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I have my own version of the Gini crush, though it's the Johnny crush instead :)
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From:[info]pjhandley
Date:January 9th, 2009 02:14 pm (UTC)
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um, wow. I completely understood all that, and there's a lot in there I can relate to.
and the Gini crush is a very beautiful thing......
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From:[info]daghain
Date:January 9th, 2009 02:44 pm (UTC)
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On an unrelated note, I know that I've pushed a decent amount of Eliezer on you already, but I do think you want to read his post for today, which questions the extent to which it's desirable to eliminate pain in utopia.
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From:[info]mister_jta
Date:January 9th, 2009 02:55 pm (UTC)

I don't normally do this 'commenting' stuff...

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...But I'm going to anyway, because that's an awesome post, and you've made me feel very cheerful, and my office feel a little less cold. Thank-you.
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From:[info]mmseason
Date:January 9th, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC)

Aaah...

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Going to do the OkCupid thing on Gini's profile?
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From:[info]theferrett
Date:January 10th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)

Re: Aaah...

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Nah. I know her WAY too well.
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From:[info]kisekinotenshi
Date:January 9th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
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The last bit about Gini makes me think about pantheons, about how most people would sort of worship every god, but they would have their one god who was The God for them, and made their general worship for the other gods look like nothing. In your pantheon of crushing, Gini is The Crush. XD

I have so many internet crushes, which could be bad, except most of them are fairly harmless. n.n There is some safety in liking people that are unobtainable, in a variety of ways.
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From:[info]figmentj
Date:January 9th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
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This whole thing has made me all swooning sighing squeeful teenage girl inside. :) Yay.
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From:[info]kishi
Date:January 9th, 2009 03:48 pm (UTC)
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On top of the Brain-Crush, I have the Voice-Crush. There are certain women who I have crushed on- and *hard* in some cases- solely because of their singing voice. Several of them have been professional singers, but I've developed a few from hanging out with choir or theater people all the time.

And, of course, I have my gaming crushes- not so much a crush on the person, but a crush on their character that, to some degree, transfers to the player. I was friends with one girl where we did about half of our flirting via our PCs.
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From:[info]kishi
Date:January 9th, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC)
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The wonderful thing about my wife is that she falls into every single one of my Crush categories, really...
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From:[info]kisekinotenshi
Date:January 9th, 2009 04:07 pm (UTC)
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Oh, I have the Voice Crush too. XD There was this one particular tenor at my college, who was a great guy but wasn't attractive to me at all. The second he started singing, though... Mmmmmm. There are basses and baritones that I originally considered not that attractive, but after hearing them sing, I would totally hit that. XD I have no idea if anyone has ever had a Voice Crush on me, though.
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From:[info]funwithrage
Date:January 9th, 2009 06:39 pm (UTC)
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Gaming crushes are fun if you can keep everything mostly-IG: it can be a nice, consequence-free way to do a little flirting without anyone's SO getting hurt.
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From:[info]edge_ofthe_sea
Date:January 9th, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
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David Boreanaz and Seth Green

OMG! Megan has already told me that if I knew Seth Green and he wanted to have sex with me, I COULD. There is also various joking about Megan writing Seth Green to see if he would ship us some of his sperm, because that's the only way I will get preggers.

Boreanaz IS HOT (we finished watching all of Buffy before the new year cuz I had seen only random episodes and now we're watching Angel hahaha).
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From:[info]kellirose1313
Date:January 9th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
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This made me smile and it's wonderful.

The brain crush is one I get all the time as well. There's something about the way certain people can write that is just so fascinating or intriguing you want to carry their words around with you to reread all the time.
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From:[info]katranna
Date:January 9th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
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Cuuuuuute.
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From:[info]theferrett
Date:January 9th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
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Sarcasm?
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From:[info]phillipalden
Date:January 9th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
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I'm much the same way, but like yourself, the "Erik Crush" drives all other crushes out of my head, (for a little while.) I see lots of beautiful people here in the SF Bay Area, but even the prettiest boy could never make my heart skip the way it does when Erik smiles at me.
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From:[info]cyan_blue
Date:January 9th, 2009 05:53 pm (UTC)
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I like hearing you gush about Gini :)
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From:[info]renee_sance
Date:January 9th, 2009 06:33 pm (UTC)
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Brought a tear to my eye with that one!
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From:[info]judith_s
Date:January 9th, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC)
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From:[info]flirtaciousj
Date:January 9th, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
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That is, hands down, my favorite love song :)
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From:[info]malejested
Date:January 9th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)

thanks

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My fiancee just broke up with me and while it's been wrenching, this made me think back and smile.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 9th, 2009 07:36 pm (UTC)
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Now, I have a crush on you. No, nothing clever to say. Wow.
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From:[info]theferrett
Date:January 10th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
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Must be the hidden kind. *g*
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