"Thirty-four?" spluttered Matt Vienneau, former Magic Pro, writer of great stories about transsexuals, and dating fiend. "Man, I had you pegged at much older than that - how can you fit so many stories in such a short time?"

He's got a point. It has been noted by others that I'm middle-aged and married, and I'm still stumbling into lesbian orgies and having women send me naked pictures of themselves. I'm not a rock star by any means... But my life has always been a little beyond the pale, and that hasn't diminished as I've gotten older.

I have a theory about that.

See, I think that somewhere, in another dimension, there are people watching us. We're all in one continuous television show, with our lives scripted out - we just don't realize it.

It's not like it's one huge TV show - no, it's more like the Marvel universe. Everything in the Marvel universe takes place in the same arena... But Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, and Daredevil all have their own comics and their own storyline. They have a comic that's devoted to just them.

Me, I have my own show. (Well, not my own show; I share it with Gini.)

There are a lot of crossovers in this universe; my show interlinks with Eric and Kat Meyer, for example, who have their own show. We have frequent crossovers; Kat shows up in my show to have a "diner scene" with me whenever I have a serious issue that I need to talk through, and I'm pretty sure I'm the comedy relief in the Meyer Show. But here's the trick:

Not everyone has their own show.

A lot of people are support characters for other people's shows. Yes, you have your own life, but maybe nobody's filming it. How could they? Nobody's written anything interesting for you to do! It's not that you lead a boring life (assuming you do, of course); it is, rather, that nobody's written you a plot.

There are several people who do have interesting lives, however - the kind that others find noteworthy, as in, "Hey, whatever happened to....?" - and that's because they're always on-camera. They have a show, and it's been renewed for another season.

I'm not going out of my way to lead a psychotic life; it's what I do normally. My scriptwriters are just giving me good material, that's all.

As I said, not everyone has their own show - but there are fan favorites who never have their own show per se, but they know all of the interesting people. These are frequent guest stars. They're the wacky next door neighbors. They're the Ropers, and in this other dimension there is a huge whoop and holler when they show up. These are fun people who you love to be around, but not much ever happens to them.

Gini and I have determined that we definitely have our own show together. The boxed sets look something like this:

Season One: The Loneliness Of The Long-Distance Romance
Ferrett (former star of the WTShow) is trapped in a loveless relationship. So is Gini. Slowly, the two of them determine that they're perfect for each other - but what to do? The trick: Gini's in Anchorage, three thousand miles away from Ferrett. Will these two ever get together?

Season Two: Welcome To Reality
After last season's climactic wedding, it looked like clear sailing for America's Favorite Couple... But alas, anyone who watched Ferrett's hit show from 1986-1996 knows that he's far too insecure for this to go smoothly. What happens when their internet love gets uploaded to real life?

Season Three: Last Stand In Cleveland
Gini and Ferrett have moved down to the States - mostly because it'll be easier to separate when they get divorced. But can some magic happen that will bring this star-crossed marriage together? You bet.

Season Four: Broken Promises
It should have been wonderful. Their marriage reconciled, Ferrett's finally getting to be a successful freelance writer and Gini's going to law school. But one fateful evening, Gini slips and shatters her shoulder in three places just as her second semester starts....

We're in Season Five right now. We're not sure what this entails - well, actually, I have a suspicion of where this season is going, but I'll keep that to myself. I hate spoilers.

The important thing to note is that my old show got cancelled. I had a fascinating story... Right up until Bari dumped me. Then my life just sort of lost momentum, and I settled down happily for about two or three years. You could tell that I didn't have a show because nothing changed.

Which is important to note: People's shows can get cancelled, and they can have comebacks. Quite frequently, people will team up for a new cast - I suspect Gini had a real drama show when she was growing up, but had about a decade or two after she married John where she was mostly off-camera. But then some bright network executive got the idea to team us up...

...but one day we might get cancelled and fall off-camera. Remember, the people who have their own show are interesting. There are a lot of people who have a lot of drama, but their lives never change; it's the same fucking problems day in and day out. If you can ask them what's bothering them and they're in pretty much the same relationship and the same crappy job, they're a supporting character. They don't have their own show.

I think I do. And I think I know who has their own shows, who's a supporting character, and who's a background guy.

But I'm not telling you, because some people get really upset when you tell them that they don't have their own show. These are generally the people I mentioned before - the ones who bitch a lot, but never change. They hate being told that really, their lives aren't nearly as interesting as they think they are.

Hey, maybe I don't have my own show.

But do you?

Current Mood: curious

(Tell me I'm full of it)