The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - Dear The Right Person, For Once
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10:49 am
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Dear The Right Person, For Once
Dear Jones Soda:
For the past three years, you've put out your Holiday Gift Pack, consisting of uniquely awful flavors like Turkey and Gravy Soda and Mashed Potatoes and Butter soda - and every year, we've held a tasting with all of our friends. We all gather around a table, a rictused smile on our merry faces, and pour a Schav-colored sip of Antacid-flavored soda into a tiny paper cup.
Then we hoist! And drink! And gag! And compare notes on which is the most awful, and take photos, and make merry. It's a bonding experience.
But this year? Instead of Herb Stuffing flavored sodas, what do we get? An incredibly wussy Holiday Flavors pack, featuring Red Apple, Green Apple, and a white Cream Soda. Oh, and a Holiday Pie pack consisting of the oh-so-daunting flavors of Apple, Cherry, and Blueberry Pie.
I'd like to tell you to fuck off for wussing out... But it's not your fault. You did your best; I know you're not culpable here. So allow me to write the real killers of fine tasting experiences.
Sincerely,
T.F.
Dear America:
FUCK YOU.
Fuck you for not wanting to try the most fucked-up flavors of soda you could imagine. Fuck you for going, "Oh, I want apple-flavored soda, this turkey is too crazy to spend money on!" Fuck you for your banal, all-I-want-is-citrus-in-a-can tastes. Fuck you for being such a narrow-minded assmuncher that if it's not vanilla or cherry-flavored, you can't even imagine putting it in your mouth.
Jones Soda woulda kept pushing the Holiday Pack boundaries if it had been a hit. They'd have found a way to make, oh, I dunno, coal-flavored soda or reindeer-flavored soda or cookies and milk-flavored soda. But it wasn't good enough to sustain itself, because none of you said, "You know what? Let's spend $30 and get something that we do once a year that really pushes the boundaries of what carbonated beverages can do." You fucking wusses. You know why Willy Wonka doesn't exist for real? Because you guys would have moaned, "Oh, I dunno, I don't like snozzberry, I don't like the idea of Thanksgiving in a gum" and he would go out of business faster than Enron.
WILLY WONKA DIED FOR YOUR SINS, YOU COCKSUCKERS.
Look at these people! Sure, they're gagging, but the joys of drinking this fucking soda is something they still talk about at parties! They can all stand around and go, "Yeah, I drank the Brussels Sprouts soda" and feel that swell of pride that comes when you endure something every year. They know that it was awful, but a boundary-pushing awful, the kind of awful that makes you feel cleansed from your very soul outwards, the kind of thing where you look back at your fellow tastebud soldiers and go, "Yeah, I was there the day we drank the Mashed Potatoes and Butter - the most awful soda in the history of mankind. We burped fake butter for two days afterwards. Yet we survived."
So you didn't buy it and keep them making it? Fuck you. You should have embraced this once-a-year opportunity to step away from carbonated conformity and made it a tradition. And now that it's done, the tradition is dead.
"Why should I drink something I don't like?" you ask. And the answer is, you shouldn't. You should just have the kind of adventure, the kind of can-do spirit that gets shit done where you'd want to take your life in your hands to see what a liquefied sweet potato tastes like. Instead, you can work in your little hamster-ball cubicle all day and die a thin, meaningless death, just as God intended.
So blow me, America. You shoulda stepped up to the plate. Or, more accurately, the little waxed-paper cup.
Sincerely,
T.F.
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![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/88044190/208448) | | From: | ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) aiela |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 03:53 pm (UTC) |
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A few years ago we hosted an "orphans christmas". One of the host gifts we were given was a holiday pack of Jones Soda.
After all the guests had left and we were doing the dishes and such, we eyed the Holiday pack. And decided we needed to taste.
We each took a swig from each bottle, and it wasn't until we hit the broccoli that I gagged and ran for the kitchen sink, spewing a lovely rainbow of Jones flavors everywhere.
I can't imagine ever doing it again, but it was an experience I'm glad I had. :P
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/15847907/184246) | | From: | davehogg |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC) |
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You didn't link to the pictures?!?
I got in so much trouble for taking pictures of my fiancee puking in the kitchen sink that we finally had to confess that we had restaged that shot - I had really gone to check on her, and then had her pose for a picture later.
Edited at 2008-11-24 04:04 pm (UTC)
| | From: | aiela |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC) |
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I wasn't sure if they were still up on Flickr - feel free to link!
| | From: | davehogg |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:25 pm (UTC) |
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| | From: | aiela |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC) |
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That'd be why I couldn't find them!
| | From: | aiela |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 05:46 pm (UTC) |
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Ah! I was totally wrong! It was the pumpkin pie that put me over the edge!
In France there is a soda marketed under the name "Jizz!" and another one marketed under the name "Pshit!" (Note that the "P" is silent.)
Sadly, neither one lives up to their names.
Oh, I dunno. I thought Pschit really did taste like what it sounds like.
To me it just tastes like watered-down 7-Up.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/61113179/1419899) | | From: | dania_audax |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:01 pm (UTC) |
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| | WILLY WONKA DIED FOR YOUR SINS, YOU COCKSUCKERS. | (Link) |
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you made me laugh so hard I peed a little.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/39128390/963942) | | From: | dabble |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC) |
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| | Re: WILLY WONKA DIED FOR YOUR SINS, YOU COCKSUCKERS. | (Link) |
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Yeppers. That was the line that tipped me over from being minty fresh to being a little bit moist and rank.
Alas, that's last year's flavor.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/84576716/932444) | | From: | pinwiz |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:14 pm (UTC) |
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I'd share your anger, but I'm saving it for everyone who didn't watch Pushing Daisies.
Maybe it's just that time of year, but I'm more inclined to be thankful for the few episodes of PD that we received. I knew from the start that it could never last long, and was thrilled when even the short 2nd season we got was approved.
Magically delicious little devils, indeed.
| | From: | pinwiz |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC) |
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I've been cherishing every episode this season just like you.
I'm not really angry, but on the cosmic scale of things the death of PD is much higher on the cosmic injustice scale than the death of Jones Holiday Soda.
I don't even drink soda. Never have.
LMAO
this pretty much made my morning.
oh, I dunno, coal-flavored soda or reindeer-flavored soda
I know there is an outfit that makes coal-flavored ice cream. It was on the list of the top most disgusting ice cream flavors in existance along w/ octopus flavored, squid flavored, chicken flavored & a bunch of others.
Last year during the independence day "season" here in Israel, a local restaurant chain had humus ice cream. Wow! A flavor that truly, only a crazed middle easterner could love.
I think that was on the list too. Sounds more appealing than ice cream flavored to taste like raw octopus to me.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/27092754/2086715) | | From: | emohdee |
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| Date: | November 25th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC) |
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I had tabbouleh-flavored vegan ice cream once.
Never again.
Can I quote the "Wonka Died For Your Sins" segment for the Chocolate Factory?
While I'm sure I'll enjoy the new Holiday Jones Sodas...I completely agree. It was fun to try them when I got the chance, just to see how close they came, even though the idea of Turkey Soda makes me cringe.
Of course, people will probably be happy that I can't give them as white elephant gifts anymore.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/59569416/1312484) | | | Re: WILLY WONKA DIED FOR YOUR SINS, YOU COCKSUCKERS. | (Link) |
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WWWWD is just a bit hard on the "w" key, but it makes a good T-shirt. :-)
Edited at 2008-11-24 04:33 pm (UTC)
This is the *exact* same reason why my "I Come Over To Your House And Take A Shit In Your Mouth" business never got off the ground. Where'd your adventurous spirit go, America?
Thank you for voicing my thoughts exactly!
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/13076141/568190) | | From: | inncubus |
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| Date: | November 25th, 2008 12:34 am (UTC) |
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You just weren't advertising in the right places:)
Oh god, Oh god, I was hoping you'd embed the review of the thanksgiving dinner soda.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/3152718/19930) | | From: | xiphias |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC) |
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They can all stand around and go, "Yeah, I drank the Brussels Sprouts soda" and feel that swell of pride that comes when you endure something every year.
This day is called the feast of Thanksgiving.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Jones Soda.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors,
And say, "To-morrow is Thanksgiving!"
Then will he stick out his tongue and show his scars
And say, "I puked up buckets from Jones Soda on Thanksgiving day!"
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/24670562/546324) | | From: | arturus |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC) |
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Absolutely.
Their candy cane soda is delicious, however.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/56312244/10203375) | | From: | monavoir |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 06:00 pm (UTC) |
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| | At least this one has a latke flavor.... | (Link) |
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| | From: | monavoir |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC) |
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| | Re: At least this one has a latke flavor.... | (Link) |
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I suck. Should read comments before posting.
FAIL
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/31716595/7582980) | | From: | cedear |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC) |
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As far as I'm aware, the holiday sets sold out last year and I think the year before also. I know they sold out last year, because I wanted to order one and couldn't. Kind of puts holes in the "didn't sell well enough" theory.
I would so drink cookies-and-milk-flavored soda. Just sayin'.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/40497973/951469) | | From: | zillah3 |
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| Date: | November 25th, 2008 01:51 am (UTC) |
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Seconded!! :)
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/61518940/6733533) | | From: | bezman |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC) |
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But... the experience can be recreated so many ways.
Have you tasted the local foliage? And bark? Or why not have a series of nights, inviting friends who are notoriously bad cooks to make a meal for everyone?
OR, make shepherds pie and mix in some fruit juice or pulp. An unnamed person 'treated' me to this horrible concoction. Needs to be experienced.
Or buy a few tins or food and wait until they're 8 years out of date, before opening to see what they taste like?
There are more opportunities for horrible tastes than you seem to realise.
The holiday sets sold out last year (online, anyway, dunno about in stores) - I suspect that this year's holiday offerings have less to do with America failing at life and more to do with the economy nose-diving into oblivion. Given the choice between a cult hit set that will move X units, and a more "normal" set that will probably move 2X or even 3X, it would be a no brainer (for me, at least) to put out the set that's going to be a larger commercial hit.
It still totally sucks, but I suspect that they probably LOST money on those sets, or merely broke even (R+D for them alone must've been insane)... and right now, that's not a luxury they (or anyone) really has this season.
long before I ever even heard of Jones Soda, I had an interesting tasting experience. I was stationed in Okinawa, and was on a local tour of an old style Ryuku village. There were stands set up all over the place where you could sample various types and proofs of saki. Well, me and my friends were getting thoroughly inebriated on the samples alone. Seriously, you could taste test /all/ of the samples at one stand, and then move on to the next, without spending a single yen! At any rate, we got toward the end of the tour, and were treated to a habu mongoose fight. A habu is a very poisonous snake, by the way. After the fight, wherein the mongoose (of course) won, there was one more of those sake sample stands. But, this one was a wee bit different from the rest. This one had a bottle of habuzaki arume there to sample. Now, this particular type of saki has a habu coiled in the bottom of the bottle, much like the worm in the bottom of a bottle of tequila. :) Surprisingly enough, most people quail at the thought of drinking this one. I think it's due to the fact that the vemom of the habu is so very potent, being a nerotoxin, and that it starts to kill off the tissue around the bite immediately upon being injected into the bite. At any rate, one of my friends was this big bad Marine. He wasn't having none of that snake saki, no siree! Until I called him a wuss, and suckered him into trying it if the wee little female Navy chick would, too. I really wasn't too into trying it, either, truth be told. But, it was really too hard to egg him on into trying it himself. And, he wasn't going to be done one up by some chick, that's for sure. Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. You never know what you'd like otherwise, if you don't just go ahead and try new things, no matter how disgusting they might seem, otherwise.
I also ate raw sea urchin roe, right out of the shell, on the beach, while the spines of the urchin were still moving as we scooped out the roe, while on that island. And a whole bunch of otherwise seemingly disgusting items that actually turned out to be rather tasty, as well.
Yeeaaahh, you tell 'em! How dare they not buy some useless shit like those nasty Jones Soda flavors! Darn consumers spending money on stuff they actually want! Bastards!
Given the economy and the fact that people work hard for their money, I feel absolutely no guilt for not spending my money on things I know from the beginning that I don't like. I don't fault you or Jones Soda for your adventurous spirits, but not only can't some of us afford to buy things just because, but even if we could, we're entitled to reserve that frivolity money for things that we'll actually enjoy.
I'm sorry they're gone, too. But I don't support a mindset that says "well, you should drink Turkey Soda/go see Twilight/pay money to do this thing you'll hate because it'll be hilariously bad and suffering builds character!" Sorry, Calvin's Dad, but I'm not going to pay money to be miserable when I can do it for free.
Sorry if I sound a bit more abrasive than I actually am feeling. I know you probably meant this post mostly as a joke/mourning for your holiday ritual. (Insert lame 'Jonesing' joke here.) But I, and most of the friends I know, have practically no money(in my case, that's quite literal, as I am currently at negative funds after a pricey care repair - if I weren't living at home still I'd be bankrupt), and even the ones who are inclined to suffer hilariously for cash can't really afford to these days. A post lambasting people for not spending $30 on horrible flavors of pop just hit me harder than it should have under the circumstances, I guess. Why I'm posting this anyway when I've already realized I'm taking too much offense and making it too personal, I don't know - possibly because I'm not entirely sure how much you're joking, or maybe because I just needed to get this out.
Either way, I am sorry you lost your soda. Perhaps you could go see Twilight instead?
I'm with you here. Sure, it's a cute idea, but in the end I can think of about fifteen more useful things I could do with that $30.
amen, brother!
(I can't believe that your last photo post on this was from 2004 - what happened to the last three years???)
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/64041832/52013) | | From: | parachles |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC) |
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| | Sadly... | (Link) |
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There are those of us out there who have taste-buds that enjoy the taste-bud equivalent of sky-diving and bungee-jumping, while others have taste-buds that prefer nice strolls on the beach.
Me, I'm one with taste-buds of the former category. My SO: the latter.
At the local Ice Cream parlor I'm all about trying flavors like Avocado, Chocolate Chili and Vanilla Pepper. My guy: Cookies and Cream or Vanilla Fudge.
Ain't nothin' wrong with either, really... just different, that's all...
I'd have to agree with the multitude of folks that have pointed out how this holiday season looks to be financially lean.
I'd happily gag on turkey flavored soda with the rest of the bungee-jumping taste-bud set if I had $30 in my pocket with nothing better to do than be wasted on gastronomically questionable soda... The sad fact of the matter, however, is that $30 is far more useful in my gas tank.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/61236438/1056109) | | From: | delosd |
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| Date: | November 24th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC) |
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Wow, that's a lot of "fuck you"s.
I have been well and truly fucked by the Ferrett. Who'd a thunk?
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/49276793/6490) | | From: | nuala |
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| Date: | November 25th, 2008 10:17 am (UTC) |
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Hurrah for adventure! Damn shame about Jones.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/25211691/948997) | | From: | docbrite |
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| Date: | November 25th, 2008 09:03 pm (UTC) |
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YEAH YOU RIGHT.
I love you. RIP Wonka. RIP Buttered Mashed Potato Soda. |
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