Makes perfect sense. But I've heard that some people come into your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. I guess it's just that way, though losing friends is never pleasant.

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I was going to say exactly that 'a reason, a season or a lifetime' thing.

Love the people in your life now, for who they are now. If you grow together and stay together, it's wonderful. But if you don't and drift apart, that can often be the right thing, too.

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That's probably a good phrase to remember.

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I was thinking similar thoughts earlier tonight about someone thought would by my friend for the rest of our lives and we haven't spoken in years now and it is just so strange.

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I've done this exact same thing for years now.

I don't know how you feel about it... ...but on me... it's hard.

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"Did I love them, or did I love the idea of them? "

I asked myself this after a long term relationship ended in almost silence with no warning, we just agreed to end it. I was sad and furious for about a month, but one night when I was writing that question popped out.

It made things clear in a way they had not been before. It made it easier to get over him and move on, but it still hurt like crazy.

It applies to friends as well. But I agree. Some people are only there for a little while, no matter how intense the relationship is. But everyone comes through your life for a reason...even if it's a tiny, silly reason. It matters.

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Quite honestly, it could be a little of all of the above; relationships are never cut and dried. Perhaps some of these friends who have drifted are even now wondering the same about you, and wondering how you're doing. Give'em a shout, you might be surprised what you discover.

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I still love you, baby.

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or: people change. That person who was your best friend, your soulmate, the person who understood you and you them: that person is in the past. The form they inhabit now hosts someone else. You also are not the same person you were; these changes happen slowly, and thus you drift apart instead of falling off a cliff.

Staying with someone in a long-term relationship is a commitment, if you want to think of it that way, to strive to change together. Some people solve this problem through atrophy; some through active intent.

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...especially the last paragraph. I think you've nailed it, actually.

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~quietly hangs gold star on blue ribbon around the neck of Tarian's comment~

Yes.

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There's a bit of writing that circulated the 'net some years back that resonated to this:

"A Reason A Season and A Lifetime"© by Brain A. "Drew" Chalker.

People always come into you life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

Lifetime, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a slid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life...."

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Exactly. People change, and if they are not in touch constantly (or even if they are), they may diverge. I am nothing like who I was a decade ago. The few people I have met after even as little as two years apart are similar, but distinctly not who I remember.

That's why I avoid school reunions. Would it be nice to go to a place and see people who feel socially obligated to at least chat briefly with me? Sure. Would I find the people I knew back then? No: more likely my memories of them would be shattered. I'm sure reunions work for some people, but not for me.

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You know, I've been asking this question a lot lately. I've been feeling alone a lot and I've been wishing for a mate or someone to love so badly. A voice other than my own. I have all my friends on facebook that I went to high school with, and it feels weird to me after not hearing from them at all in 8 years. And people change so much.

Then I went through a betrayal this year- in fact two of them and I wonder the same things as you. Were they really your friend? or are they using you? Aren't friends supposed to be there for you through good times and bad and not dump you just because you're a depressive mess that needs help?

I dunno... it really hurts. Especially when people don't have time for you anymore and are too involved with their own lives. You're lucky that you're married. Cherish your wife forever.

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Join Facebook. You'll know what happened in the next 90 days.

I found someone who was at my first birthday party, and I hadn't seen since I was TWELVE. And that was just the beginning. It is INSANE the number of reconnects I made there.

Luckily, so far it's been positive reconnecting. Some people are still bitter and angry about their pasts and have a hard time with it.

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One of my good friends, the only person I am still close friends with since I met a bunch of people after my divorce in 1995, says there are three kinds of friendships: a reason, a season, and a lifetime. You might come together for a reason, like the friend I had while we were both going through divorces and healing from bad marriages; when the reason is no longer important the friendship fades. Or a season: for a while until something else becomes more important to one or both of you. Or a lifetime.

I don't know that she's got it completely right, but I've found it a useful way to think about the friendships that have ended.

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I know exactly how you feel. However, I've come to think that maybe there's just not as much of a relationship between the reality of love and the permanence of it as we like to think. I *know* that I loved those people (and in pretty much every case still do), and that they loved me, and maybe it's OK that we couldn't stay that intertwined forever. OK, so it's sad that we didn't, but I don't want to lose what I do have, which is my memories, by concluding that all that affection and mutual support doesn't 'count' because it was a time-limited phenomenon.

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I've had these same feelings. You're not alone in this, not at all.

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I think we all feel like this.

It reminds me of a song from a very old version of Cinderella. "Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?"

Also, you should always feel lucky you found Gini. And she's lucky she found you.

::hug::

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I'm like that from time to time myself. There's people I knew in Calgary, and when I moved to Ottawa, I wrote them. Only two people ever wrote me back, and one didn't even have my address to do so - my ex-girlfriend. I wrote her back, but never got a reply, and found out she moved.

So I often wonder how she's doing, or how any of my friends are doing. I've tried to touch base from time to time, and only recently had any success with a very few of them (but not my girlfriend, unfortunately).

Yeah, I wonder what's happened to a number of my old friends, and wondered how we parted ways.

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I hope you don't think that because I'm moving, I'm intentionally drifting away from you. Not the case.

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Not at all, sweetie. You can probably guess who this was mostly about, though I was wangsting a bit overmuch that night.

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Been through this more times than I care to. Probably doesn't help that we move quite a bit. Just glad my husband is my rock.

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Yeah, I've pondered this question quite a bit. I never heard of the "reason/season/lifetime" theory until now. One thought that had occurred to me was that some friendships are highly situational, and once that shared experience is over, the friendship fades away.

One reason why I no longer actively seek out people from my past is because the anxiety I feel over not knowing what I'll find. Will they have changed so much from when I used to know them? Or am I acting upon on a mistaken impression of who they were?

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I often wonder the exact same things.

I have several folks who at one time declared themselves as my 'best friend' who are now not a part of my life at all. My life isn't exactly sadder or more lonely without them, but I think of them often. Makes me wonder if I miss them or just miss having a best friend.

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I always feel like I did something wrong; It's led me to feel like such a flawed, awful person at times. Unlovable. It's very hard.

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Pretty much. And it's worse when you know you did something wrong, but was it that bad?

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Douglas Hofstadter wrote a book called "I am a Strange Loop" where he conceives consciousness as a sort of program that runs inside a given person's brain. The trick of it is, the more time you spend with a person, and the better you understand the "program", the better you can "run" that program yourself in your own brain, effectively simulating their personality, like you would ask yourself, "Would Mike like this book if I bought it for his birthday?"

I've ever since found it strangely comforting to think that the people who I've grown apart from aren't really lost to me, so long as I can remember enough about them to help me feel what made me care about them to begin with. Some people we walk with for a moment, some for a lifetime, and either way I think having somebody walking beside you makes the path easier.

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*pokes you*

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*grins* Sounds good.

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Wow-me too. It's good to know that other people have these thoughts as well.

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I feel this way mostly every day. Minus the part about Gini, because well... that would be odd, wouldn't it?

Since moving to Illinois, I've basically lost all of my friends whom I've been close to (or thought I was) for the past 12-15 years. It's bizarre having to start from scratch.

Learning to make friends is a pain in the ass.

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There's also geography screwing with us...

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And hey, I was the one who moved to Anchorage.

But I miss just going over to your house whenevs.

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Seconded!! And that applies to both of you!! :(

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Auugh. Questions like this bug me especially as I'm sort of approaching my 9th step amends. How do I know a harm from a "growing apart"? And how do I apologize to people who are no longer my friends without saying "I want to be friends again"...because in most cases, I know it's for the best that we've gone our separate ways.

Friend break-ups are way weirder than romantic ones that way.

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Or sometimes you think they're drifting away, when it's really you who found something else to fill the time. Or things change in other people's lives that has nothing to do with you at all.

And as for wondering if you really ever knew them - You probably did know them, but people change as they get older. That doesn't mean you don't know them now, you just don't know everything about them anymore. Do you really put that much of yourself out there for the world? Are there things that only Gini knows? But on the other hand, I've learned tons about you in the past several years that I didn't know about you when I lived in Ann Arbor. That doesn't mean these things weren't there in AA, it just takes time to get to know someone that well.

I think it's ok to miss old friends, but to accept that other people have lives outside of your own. It's nothing to do with you at all. *hugs*

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I am very sentimental about friends and usually end up clinging to them way past the point where I should get a clue and let go. But I simply don't get how you could be best buddies, and then one year the Christmas card comes back undeliverable because they moved and didn't tell you.

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