The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - Put In Bay: A Pictorial Walkthrough

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September 22nd, 2008

07:46 am

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Put In Bay: A Pictorial Walkthrough
Put In Bay was proactively surly. The woman at the check-in counter eyed us both wearily and warily, forcing us to sign contracts before we could get to our King-Sized Jacuzzi room. There could be a maximum of two people in our suite; three would be a $200 fine and we'd be kicked out. Being caught with a cooler would be an additional $40 fine. And God forbid we smoked, lest we get zapped for $100.

All this for the top-tier hotel in the area - which had a Subway in the lobby. You could smell the zesty scent of bread all the way down in our room.

But you couldn't blame them; Put In Bay is the local equivalent of Cancun - it's a boozy, island getaway where the tourists can buy cheap shit, watch skimpy women by the beach, and get absolutely trashed. In other words, if you're looking to get shitfaced and act rowdily, you come to Put In Bay.

So the hotel? Maybe a little surly. Then again, it deals with middle-aged folks trying to relive their Spring Break, no doubt making assholes of themselves. I may find the rules restrictive, but during the summer they probably surf on a tidal wave of drunken vomit.

It's an alien mindset, honestly, but in a weird way it's kind of refreshing. I'm used to complex motivations, complex tastes, densely-layered movies - all the people of Put In Bay want is to get trashed on cheap beer, see some boobs, eat some fried food, and maybe dance a little. It's their escape from life and thinking in general; politics aren't discussed much on the Bay.

Put In Bay is also famous for another reason; it's where all the swingers congregate. Well, not all of them, but the Lake Erie Swingers Group meets here after the Ray Fogg concert to get it on, and there's another local boating wifeswappers group that calls Put In Bay their summer home. Not that Gini and I planned on partaking, but it sure made the crowd watching more interesting - say, she dresses skimpy, you think maybe she....?

But alas, Put In Bay had pretty much closed up shop. We arrived on a Thursday, and there were only a handful of people in the hotel, and nobody on the street. Still, let me comment upon the coolest photos.

Our room. It isn't exactly full of rich decor for $350 a night... Which is what it would cost during the summer. It also has a view that looks out over the parking lot, and then over the pool on the opposite side. On the bright side - literally - the mothership from Close Encounters comes to land every half an hour, as you can see here.

This was an awesome candy shop, where they had three things I'd never had before:

* Pop Rocks Candy Bars. Yes, it's Pop Rocks and Hershey's Milk Chocolate mixed together. Oh, that sounds awful, and let me assure you that it's really just a Hershey bar.... Which, let's be honest, is pretty awful. (Yes, I am a chocolate snob.) But the Pop Rocks add nothing to the flavor, but your mouth pops randomly for ten minutes afterwards.

* Rocky Road Snickers Bars. Okay, nothing new here. Artificial marshmallow and Snickers? It's, um, still Snickers.

* Chocolate Pez! Which tasted like Pez, but with a miraculous chalky aftertaste and some chocolate.

Seriously, weird candy aside, they also had some pretty damn delectable fudge and one of the nicest Rice Krispie bars I've ever had. Their selection is admirable, but get their handmade chocolate; I wish it was closer.

The view from this restaurant was nice, but you can see my review here... But by far, the best part was this:

No, I wasn't kidding. You can pay $250 for a Filet-O-Fish. For FUCK'S SAKE.

This was the bar we went to after dinner, which was the most affable bar I've ever been to. Three couples struck up conversations with us spontaneously, and the bartender was similarly friendly; my New England reserve didn't know what to do with itself. Of course, most of the conversations revolved around local sports, my weak spot, but they were at least trying.

Naturally, being me, I kept wondering whether these were the Lake Erie Swingers, trying to charm Gini and me back into their beds. I know, I know, I shouldn't flatter myself.

Still, the guy here with the dog had a poodle, which he was breeding to create first-generation Goldendoodles. The poodle was adorable, well-trained, and completely allergen-free; we rubbed our hands on its fur and then scrubbed our eyes, and by God we didn't react. And if the guy had had a Goldendoodle with him, Gini and I would have gone home with a dog.

No, not a Lake Erie Swinger. You guys are so crude.

The guy's name was Chef, and he kept buying drinks for everyone. It was sousily adorable. He was also from the Toledo projects, which strangely did not impress. I mean, I'm sure the Toledo projects are a bad neighborhood - Lord knows as a person who's walked through some of the bad parts of New York at midnight alone, there are parts of Cleveland where even I don't want to get out of the car - but you put the word "Toledo" in front of anything and it becomes less impressive.

This restaurant also had the most beat-up blow-dryer I've ever seen:

Remember when I said that the people at Put In Bay came there to drink and be dicks? Proof, my friends, proof.

There's also a Chocolate Museum on the island. It is not really a chocolate museum - more of a "Chocolate Back Room." It took us about ten minutes to breeze through, and I was reading every word. Still, when you have this, how can you complain?

After the chocolate museum, we hit the World's Largest Geode, which was less impressive than advertised. Not that it wasn't large - it was - or that it wasn't geologically amazing - it was - but a geode is fun because it's full of sparkly bits, and this was a cavern filled with tons of unpleasant-looking gray rock in head-gouging crystal shapes.

I mean, okay, it looked a little like the Fortress of Solitude, but that's not as cool as you'd think. it was cramped, and I kept worrying I'd hit my head. On the plus side, though, it turns out it's a tornado shelter, so if there's ever a tornado on an island in the middle of Lake Erie, they go down here and bring all the wine from the winery upstairs. Which is cool.

We also went for a tour of the Doller House, which is where Valentine Doller basically founded the island. His story is staggeringly creepy, so much that I want to rip off the atmosphere for a short story, because the bland recitation of the MP3 tour player reciting the tale when compared with its content was amazing. Catherynne Valente would eat this stuff with a spoon, I tellya.

Oh, and every interesting structure the island ever had burned down. This we learned at the museum, which has a ragtime, Put In Bay theme song that has to be heard to be believed.

But the nicest thing Put In Bay had going for it was a late-night walk with my spouse around the shore:

I didn't take too many photos. Mostly, we just held hands.

I love you, schmoopie.

(Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments

From:	elissa_carey
Date:	September 22nd, 2008 12:00 pm (UTC)

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Aww. I like the last photo the best. Reminds me of the night time walk on the beach I had with my boyfriend earlier this month at his sister's wedding in Panama City, FL.

And: Valentine Dollar? With such a larger-than-life (although kind of cheesy) name, this story ought to be good. Any chance of us (by which I mean me, really) being able to hear it?

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From:	theferrett
Date:	September 24th, 2008 05:14 am (UTC)

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When I write it up, I'll letcha know. But I have to think about it.