The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - The Ohio Geauga State Fair: A Con Report

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September 1st, 2008

10:47 am

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The Ohio Geauga State Fair: A Con Report
So I went to the ~~Ohio~~ Geauga State Fair, my trusty new iPhone in hand, to see Middle America at its finest. And lo, I documented! With six pictures!

The strange thing about Ohio is that I live in Cleveland, Ohio's hotbed of liberal activity. I knew that Bush had won in 2004 long before the media called it, because Bush and Kerry were tied but Cleveland had been fully counted and the outlying areas were incomplete. The outlying areas are rural, solidly Conservative, and totally alien to me. And the Fair is the place where we all converge.

What you see here is a (very distant) picture of several dogs, plowing through the water to get fake ducks. They also had a pen full of coon hounds, whose job it is to kill raccoons, and several stables full of horses, lambs, chickens, pigs, and Lord knows what else. Much of the fair is devoted to showing off useful talents in rural life, which seemed so odd to me but it really should have. One forgets that really, this is the bulk of Ohio, and my cappuccinno-sippin' city life is the exception. It's a useful lesson to be re-taught every once in a while.

The one note I did find interesting, though: Even though Ohio's very conservative, and the fair itself is made up of what most folks would consider to be "classic" Middle America, I saw at least ten Obama pins on people's shirts. I saw one McCain pin. And the Republican booth was right at the end of the food fair, where most of the really good food was, while I never saw Obama's booth. I don't know whether that means that a) Conservatives aren't really that thrilled by McCain's candidacy, b) Obama's supporters were more demonstrative, or c) Obama's booth was next to something amazingly cool that I missed. Probably b.

We watched a sheep shearing demonstration - which was a little unnerving to my city-slicker roots when the announcer said, "They're good for wool, but they're also delicious" and then told us all the ways this cute little shorn thing here could be chopped up and made into delicious food.

Look. I'm distanced. I have the delightful luxury of believing that the hamburgers in my belly were carried here by immaculate angels, who harvested it from the majestic Meat Caves of Scranton, where meat is scraped off of happy plastic walls in a completely bloodless and rather beautiful manner. I doubt I could pet an animal that's cuddling up next to me for warmth and go, "Mmm, that's gonna be tasty." And I know, objectively, that that is the way the world works, but I have my illusions and I rather like them, thank you. It's the same illusions that allow people to romanticize the animal kingdom as being pure and innocent when really, every animal pretty much exists to consume other pieces of life, and you generally die screaming.

On the other hand, for about $125, you can get about sixty pounds of lamb if you're willing to go to the farm. You can pick it out yourself. Or just get the lamb, place it in a big lobster tank, and have it fight to the death with a horde of lobsters.

This horse was wearing a fitted mask that covered its eyes. It stared, blindly, out over the edge of its stall.

I like to think that this horse is blind. It was hit by a radioactive truck as a colt, and they ferry this horse around to fairs as an example of the ravages of improperly-stowed toxic waste. But no one suspects that at night, this horse - whose other senses have been honed to superhorsen levels - puts on a costume and fights crime.

They made fun of me at Clarion a lot for thoughts like this.

According to Kat and Eric, a recent survey of Ohio Fair-goers show that 70% of them find the major attraction to be the food. This is good, because about 70% of the attractions were food.

I had a game where I tried to find a non-onion vegetable that wasn't fried, and I could find none. So I went with the flow and got a fried S'mores - a marshmallow dipped in chocolate and graham crackers, then dipped in batter, then fried.

One hesitates to say it, but it was actually delicious.

(Also consumed at the fair: Maple fudge, cream soda, shredded elk from an Indian vendor [gamey, but more of a paste than a shred], wild berry and orange soda, fried Swiss cheese, pork, french fries, macaroni and cheese [not fried], ice cream. My stomach still hurts. And I still have the smell of oil on my fingers.)

Alas, I did not get a snapshot of "Myrna the Mermaid Girl," a large attraction where a loudspeaker continually blared that you - yes, YOU - could see a REAL LIVE MERMAID for the slim price of a dollar. The pitch itself was utterly amazing; I had a stick of fried cheese, and it was nowhere near as cheesy as this pitch. Even better, we had to wait for Kat and Carolyn near the mermaid, so I heard the full pitch at least five times. SHE FITS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND! LIVES IN A GOLDFISH BOWL!

I'd try to get the joys of the Mermaid Pitch across to you, but Eric actually tried to record it on his iPhone, so hopefully I'll have some sort of .mp3 file for you soon. If I get it, I want it to be one of my ring tones.

What happens if you pay the dollar? Oh, you see a warped mirror-trick, wherein a live girl - who waves with embarrassment when you put your face up against the glass - has been melded clumsily with a bowl with an old, ratty fish tail in there that looks like it wouldn't pass muster at a costume shop. Still, one of the best bucks I spent that day; I was looking to get ripped off, and lo! I did.

I also paid two dollars to see GABORA THE GORILLA GIRL, a showcase where you waited in line to see a beautiful girl transform into a raging gorilla.

[SPOILER]
If you pay, you walk into a tent with a curtain for a stage at the far edge - which is actually a truck that's been backed up, but never mind that. The announcer stands next to the stage, and helpfully points out the emergency exit, as is required by state law.

Then he gives a brief, two-minute spiel about how this girl can, through the magic of hypnosis, travel back through time. Her skin will become shrivelled! Her hair will grow coarse and long! Her features will grow apelike and she will BECOME a gorilla! No worries, though, she's safely in a hypnotic trance and can do no one no harm.

He begins. And it's another mirror trick, wherein slowly, a mirror image of a girl with her eyes closed is slowly superimposed with a guy in a gorilla costume, who starts romping about the cage. "BACK, GABORA!" the announcer shouts. "BACK!" But no! GABORA CANNOT BE CONTAINED BY THE FORCE OF THE PATRIARCHY. She rattles the bars and then PUSHES THEM OVER, furious...

...at which point the announcer pulls the curtains shut. "Flee!" he urges you. "Through the emergency exit!" Which is good, because as we all know, enraged simians cannot be restrained by metal bars, but drapery baffles the fuck out of them.
[/END SPOILERS]

And no, I'm not sure at all what the redheaded gentleman is doing in this photo. He sure looks jaunty, though, don't he?

(EDIT: Oh, and even better: If you look at the photo here, with Gabora running wild on the left where she's broken her chains? I didn't see that. They had given Gabora a fur bikini, presumably to avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of the women at the Fair. NO APE NIPPLES FOR YOU!)

The weirdest thing about the fair? The fact that you could play Guitar Hero III, Rock Band, or Guitar Hero: Aerosmith for two bucks. And it seemed to be the most popular game at the arcade by far.

Of course, novices weren't playing; that'd be stupid. The tent was full of show-off idiots like me, who put on the hardest song they could in a vain attempt to impress the punters, who by and large weren't watching or would have been impressed by almost any song with weedly bits. But the tent rang with the constant rhythms of "One," "Flirtin' with Disaster," and - yes - "Green Grass and High Tides."

Generously, if you could play one of the top-tier songs on Expert without missing a note - perfect FC, man - and you paid $5.00 for the privilege, you could win an acoustic guitar! Which seemed pretty stupid to me, and I hope no one was giving it a shot.

I did, however, see someone get past the Weedly Section of Death in "GG&HT" that I can never pass, even though he was actually a worse player than I was. The trick, it seems, is to use the tap-buttons on the Rock Band guitar controller, which I have until now avoided like the plague. So we'll have to see how that works. I will get through you yet, oh my pretty.

(Tell me I'm full of it)

Comments

From:	starwatcher307
Date:	September 1st, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)

(Link)

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The 'fitted mask' over the horse's eyes is a heavy nylon mesh, to keep out the flies. They can see through it, just as we can see through a window screen. Mine wear them as soon as the flies get bad, as well as nylon-mesh loose 'leggings' over the bottom half of their legs. (Flies aim at the face first, lower legs second.)
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You forgot one food

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