theferrett: A Thought On The Nature Of Friendship

The Ferrett (

theferrett) wrote,
@ 2008-05-08 11:52:00

A Thought On The Nature Of Friendship
Early in our courtship, Gini once said that "you give me wings." Which was her way of saying that I tried my best to lift her up, to encourage her to reach for things she didn't think she could get. I tried to be a net benefit in her life, on the whole.

And when she told me, two years later, "I feel like you've taken my wings away," that was a wake-up call for me. I realized that in the course of our relationship, I'd stopped thinking about her and started thinking too much about me. I'd started trying to subtract from Gini to make her fit in the space that made me comfortable, which was completely and utterly wrong. And I started to change that.

I think that, by and large, there are two types of close friends: Those who are committed to being a net bonus in your life, and those who want you to be where they're comfortable.

Being committed to being a net bonus in someone's life is scary sometimes, because you can help them evolve right out of your life. You can realize that where they want to be is another town, far away from you, or to take up a new hobby that's going to cause them to spend less time with you, or to find a new partner who's really good for them and is going to make you secondary in their life. But those friends want what's best for you.

Then there are those who want you where they feel happiest about having you. They will also help you to change, but often it's for the worse. If they determine that you should have a boyfriend now, they're going to hammer home on you until you damn well get one whether you want it or not. If you think about moving, they'll make you feel guilty. It's all about what they want - and frequently it will come in the guise of "What's best for you," but really it's not.

You can tell the bad friends because you never really feel like yourself around them. You know, on some level, they're damping you down, because you can't say what's really on your mind.

But the good friends? They're there because they like you, not some edited version of you that's more to their liking. They're there to help you be more of that you - occasionally calling you on your bullshit and reining in your excesses, but generally helping you to become a happier, healthier person.

Good friends? They give you wings to fly. And God bless them, we'll all reach the skies some day.

(Post a new comment)

	hartley 2008-05-08 04:02 pm UTC (link)
	You write some of the most amazing things seemingly out of the blue. And I hate to admit that I've been that bad friend sometimes. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:04 am UTC (link)
	So have I. And I've lost people permanently because of it. Whoops. (Reply to this)(Parent)

gentleeleos
2008-05-08 04:09 pm UTC (link)

Sometimes, write when I need a slap in the face about a dilemma I'm facing, the universe provides. Today, the universe provided me with this post. And I thank you for it. I have a friend that has, in the guise of "I'm just telling you what's best for you" or "I'm just trying to protect you", proceeded to try to clip my wings....and I'm at a crossroads in our friendship. Do I stick it out? Or do I move on. And I think you've given me an answer: I tell her she's clipping my wings and see what she does. Thank you. I needed this today.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:05 am UTC (link)
	You're welcome. Glad the universe chose me today. Best of luck. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	nounsandverbs 2008-05-08 04:23 pm UTC (link)
	Couldn't have said it better. And as so often happens, by sheer coincidence these words come at a time I'd been ruminating about these same issues myself. Thanks as always for good words at a fortuitous time. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:04 am UTC (link)
	Happy to help. best of luck. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	kisekinotenshi 2008-05-08 04:24 pm UTC (link)
	Yes. Yes yes yes. Why is it that when I try to write these things I fail and then you do them and succeed so well? XD That's how I feel about my close friends, the really close ones. <3 (Reply to this)

	some (hopefully constructive) stylistic criticism mightydoll 2008-05-08 04:27 pm UTC (link)
	I liked this post right up until the last line, which brought to mind "this was another episode of Bart's people" ;) It's very true, though. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	Re: some (hopefully constructive) stylistic criticism theferrett 2008-05-08 05:05 pm UTC (link)
	Bart's people? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: some (hopefully constructive) stylistic criticism mightydoll 2008-05-08 05:11 pm UTC (link)
	ahh..Simpson's reference...the one where Bart and Lisa wind up as battling newscasters on "the kids news". Lisa's trying to do hard-hitting journalistic pieces and Bart is appealing to people's....more sappy?...impulses... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girly_Edition (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: some (hopefully constructive) stylistic criticism theferrett 2008-05-10 03:03 am UTC (link)
	Ah, now I remember. Gotcha. And yes, it's a sappy line. Sometimes, I like 'em. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	tormentedartist 2008-05-08 04:33 pm UTC (link)
	And when she told me, two years later, "I feel like you've taken my wings away," that was a wake-up call for me. Were you married at this point ? BTW this is one of the best things that you have written in quite awhile. Edited at 2008-05-08 04:38 pm UTC (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-08 05:06 pm UTC (link)
	I was married. It took me a while to pull my head out of my ass in that marriage. Thankfully, we both cranially extracted. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	mightydoll 2008-05-08 05:13 pm UTC (link)
	incidentally, the phenomena you mention was a huge part of what destroyed my marriage...we never did, though (cranially extract, that is). It was hard for people to understand something so vague as a complaint from me, though...I think you (and naturally gini) have put it into words much better than I had the abillity to do at the time. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	tormentedartist 2008-05-08 05:17 pm UTC (link)
	Ah, okay. yeah I have read pretty much most of the story about your marriage. I was just wondering because I knew thta you were friends before you got married. (Reply to this)(Parent)

oakdragon
2008-05-08 09:38 pm UTC (link)

I remember a story told by a psychologist who was teaching a class in human sexuality in community college.

He told of a couple he knew. They lived together for many years quite successfully. They eventually decided to "make it legal" and get married.

After a while, they started having problems, and it eventually led to their divorce. What they finally realized is that once they had gotten married, they were no longer relating to the person directly, but through their perceived role of "wife" or "husband." With the role came expectations of how the other should act, how they should divide up responsibilities.

There is a happy ending. They were able to recognize this and after a short time apart, they moved back in with each other. They vowed never to marry each other.

From my perspective, I guess this is a good partial solution. A better solution would have been to learn how to discard the expectations and be married AND relate to each other directly, but it worked for them.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

cislyn
2008-05-08 04:37 pm UTC (link)

I find in general that if I'm not struggling with the question of whether or not I'm being a good friend, I'm not being a good friend. I have to stop and ask myself when a buddy is having trouble with his girlfriend - am I inclined to give advice that he could do better because I really believe that, and that he should, or because I want to spend more time with him? It's hard. And if it isn't, you're doing it wrong.

(Reply to this)

	shutterbug 2008-05-08 04:45 pm UTC (link)
	This is so relevant for me right now, man. Thank you for this. (Reply to this)

blergeatkitty
2008-05-08 04:47 pm UTC (link)

I don't know about your last line, there, Ferrett. I feel like it should be superimposed in calligraphy over a photograph of a beach with some terns flapping in the distance. :)

But I do know what you mean. I've been in this slowly dying friendship for a few years now where I only ever hear from her when she knows I'm miserable and she wants to feel as though her own life is superior by comparison. She doesn't support me or congratulate me when I have good news, and only accepts my invitations if she knows more generally that my life sucks at the moment.

I think she was theoretically fun at some point, but I've backed off to seeing her a few times a year, at huge gatherings where everybody else I know is there.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	kmg_365 2008-05-08 06:13 pm UTC (link)
	I feel like it should be superimposed in calligraphy over a photograph of a beach with some terns flapping in the distance. :) Or a single set of footprints. :-D (Reply to this)(Parent)

	caudelac 2008-05-08 04:57 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah. That. (Reply to this)

	vrax 2008-05-08 05:05 pm UTC (link)
	I like you, high five. (Reply to this)

	gkingsley 2008-05-08 05:26 pm UTC (link)
	I like to think I'm the good kind of friend, although I can be selfish with the time I get to see my peeps, simply because so damn many of them have evolved to far, far away. This is something I spend a good deal of my time thinking on, because I can't deal with the other sort of people in my life anymore. I've pruned the friend tree to a fare thee well. (Reply to this)

	lalajia 2008-05-08 05:52 pm UTC (link)
	Linked to. Thanks :) (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:02 am UTC (link)
	Thank you! Glad I proved I had something else to offer. g (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	lalajia 2008-05-10 09:51 am UTC (link)
	What, apart from your beautiful wife? ;) You must be doing something right to have earned her love :) Nah, seriously, I was sorry to see you got all that flack in the war of the sexes - wouldn't it be nice if people could just all get along....? (Aargh, now I've got 'Imagine' stuck in my head) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	weirdodragoncat 2008-05-08 06:00 pm UTC (link)
	I wish my housemate/girlfriend could read this....might help her see what her boyfriend is doing to her. Thank you for posting this. (Reply to this)

	calliopepurple 2008-05-08 07:41 pm UTC (link)
	I think I need to link this to all of the good friends I've made in the past few months to help explain just why I love them so much. ...as well as to the person I'm growing away from because her good times have given me the confidence to say that I don't need to be around her growing bad times. It's been four years, but I'm not the impressionable teenager I was when I met her. (Reply to this)

Friendship...

mollyblack
2008-05-08 08:51 pm UTC (link)

I spent most of yesterday crying from the pain. It was horrible. But I felt good about two things. You know one of them. The other was DUE to the first one. I told Shawn and our roommate and one of my closest and best friends (Erica) about it last night because the first one was important to me for so many reasons and made me cry a little extra.

If you knew how bad the pain levels stay at you would understand that what I did yesterday morning was more than most people would comprehend fully. Two-way streets is a cliché but for a reason. Who knows if I can keep my promise. But try to keep yours. It will help me keep mine.

(Edited to add: Right now the two people who have heard the truth and dealt with what staying with me means have stayed. There are a lot of "friends" out there who left when they found out the truth. There are a lot of "friends" out there whom I will never tell the full truth too because of fear of loss of them in my life after so long a time...telling the truth and losing a friend I thought I would never lose I trusted them too much and didn't see that they couldn't accept what has changed in me is due to something that so far no doctor has fixed for any extended period of time. In fact I am crying right now again due to a combination of remembrance of those lost friends and how bad the pain is. Last night Erica found out for the first time that the pain killers has actually been our last step. And we just spent $10k of money we don't have to move here to a place where I could try another type of medicine in a last ditch effort to stop the pain or at least help me not feel it. I heard in the morning a voice that echoed in more ways than the other person might ever know with every single atom in my emotional state. Sorry to add such a huge after thought, but yesterday was good in the fact I communicated clearly with the two people I live with for the first time in a while and it was horrible because that echo frightened the living daylights out of me. There is more but it is not for here. But I shared with you what I could.)

*Hugs to you and Gini*

Edited at 2008-05-08 09:28 pm UTC

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	Re: Friendship... theferrett 2008-05-10 03:06 am UTC (link)
	I'll keep my promise. Keep yours. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	lessthanthree 2008-05-08 09:14 pm UTC (link)
	Wow. Just these past two weeks, I cut the strings off of me placed by two of the latter. And I have never felt better about myself. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:02 am UTC (link)
	That's often what happens. And then you feel guilty about feeling so good, but you shouldn't. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	runeshower 2008-05-08 09:51 pm UTC (link)
	Excellent post! Adding you to my friends list... :-) (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:01 am UTC (link)
	Thanks. Welcome aboard! (Reply to this)(Parent)

roadnotes
2008-05-08 10:00 pm UTC (link)

"I think that, by and large, there are two types of close friends: Those who are committed to being a net bonus in your life, and those who want you to be where they're comfortable."

Yes, and yes. And another timely reminder (I've gotten several in the past few days).

I've got a tangential thought about the people, sometimes close, sometimes not, who want you in their lives, regardless of whether you're happy in the position(s) they put you in, but it's not fully verbalized yet.

(Reply to this)

	cynicalcleric 2008-05-08 10:56 pm UTC (link)
	But those friends want what's best for you. The collision comes when your view of whats best for your friend and their view of whats best for them them diverge. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:01 am UTC (link)
	It does. That's often a dealbreaker. Sad part is, it's often hard to tell who's right, but it's hard to back down when there's so much at stake. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	(Anonymous) 2008-05-08 11:21 pm UTC (link)
	Ferrett, you write such great stuff but sometimes it kills me because I just can't tell where I am in relation to what you're describing. The person who left me -- did she leave me because I wasn't the right kind of friend? Or because she wasn't? (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:00 am UTC (link)
	I wish I knew that myself sometimes. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	(Anonymous) 2008-05-09 12:15 am UTC (link)
	Of course, I really can't go without mentioning this strip (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp05092003.shtml) from Something Positive, which is final strip of a short storyline exactly exemplifying what you say here. (Reply to this)

	kasheesty 2008-05-09 02:02 am UTC (link)
	Those who are committed to being a net bonus in your life, and those who want you to be where they're comfortable. Having recently been ousted for being outside of someone's comfort zone, this rings quite true. Sad but true as the door was slammed not because any breach or wrongdoing occurred but simply because OMGWTF it could (Reply to this)(Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2008-05-09 11:02 am UTC (link)
	Look for the silver lining - at least you don't have to spend any more time or energy caring for them, and you can spend that time with the friends who DO give a damn about you :D (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	kasheesty 2008-05-09 01:18 pm UTC (link)
	Oh this was nothing to do with giving a damn or not-- this was fear-based which I totally get, having been there myself. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	sm_campbell 2008-05-09 03:51 am UTC (link)
	I really enjoyed this. Thanks for posting. (Reply to this)

	custardfairy 2008-05-09 11:32 am UTC (link)
	Hmmmm... This has given me a lot to consider. (Reply to this)

	ba1126 2008-05-09 12:53 pm UTC (link)
	This is why my first serious relationship went belly up. He just couldn't see 'me' beyond his picture of who he wanted me to be. This is also why my current love will always be with me, because he sees and loves ALL of me. He has even helped me love the parts of me I wasn't so crazy about. (Reply to this)

	butterandjelly 2008-05-10 01:18 am UTC (link)
	thank you for the wings. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	theferrett 2008-05-10 03:00 am UTC (link)
	Thank you. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	albumlady 2008-05-10 01:42 pm UTC (link)
	You bring me joy! I couldn't agree with you more! I'm glad you choose to be here, I can't tell you how many times your words have lifted my heart. (Reply to this)

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