| The Ferrett ( @ 2008-05-08 11:52:00 |
A Thought On The Nature Of Friendship
Early in our courtship, Gini once said that "you give me wings." Which was her way of saying that I tried my best to lift her up, to encourage her to reach for things she didn't think she could get. I tried to be a net benefit in her life, on the whole.
And when she told me, two years later, "I feel like you've taken my wings away," that was a wake-up call for me. I realized that in the course of our relationship, I'd stopped thinking about her and started thinking too much about me. I'd started trying to subtract from Gini to make her fit in the space that made me comfortable, which was completely and utterly wrong. And I started to change that.
I think that, by and large, there are two types of close friends: Those who are committed to being a net bonus in your life, and those who want you to be where they're comfortable.
Being committed to being a net bonus in someone's life is scary sometimes, because you can help them evolve right out of your life. You can realize that where they want to be is another town, far away from you, or to take up a new hobby that's going to cause them to spend less time with you, or to find a new partner who's really good for them and is going to make you secondary in their life. But those friends want what's best for you.
Then there are those who want you where they feel happiest about having you. They will also help you to change, but often it's for the worse. If they determine that you should have a boyfriend now, they're going to hammer home on you until you damn well get one whether you want it or not. If you think about moving, they'll make you feel guilty. It's all about what they want - and frequently it will come in the guise of "What's best for you," but really it's not.
You can tell the bad friends because you never really feel like yourself around them. You know, on some level, they're damping you down, because you can't say what's really on your mind.
But the good friends? They're there because they like you, not some edited version of you that's more to their liking. They're there to help you be more of that you - occasionally calling you on your bullshit and reining in your excesses, but generally helping you to become a happier, healthier person.
Good friends? They give you wings to fly. And God bless them, we'll all reach the skies some day.
Early in our courtship, Gini once said that "you give me wings." Which was her way of saying that I tried my best to lift her up, to encourage her to reach for things she didn't think she could get. I tried to be a net benefit in her life, on the whole.
And when she told me, two years later, "I feel like you've taken my wings away," that was a wake-up call for me. I realized that in the course of our relationship, I'd stopped thinking about her and started thinking too much about me. I'd started trying to subtract from Gini to make her fit in the space that made me comfortable, which was completely and utterly wrong. And I started to change that.
I think that, by and large, there are two types of close friends: Those who are committed to being a net bonus in your life, and those who want you to be where they're comfortable.
Being committed to being a net bonus in someone's life is scary sometimes, because you can help them evolve right out of your life. You can realize that where they want to be is another town, far away from you, or to take up a new hobby that's going to cause them to spend less time with you, or to find a new partner who's really good for them and is going to make you secondary in their life. But those friends want what's best for you.
Then there are those who want you where they feel happiest about having you. They will also help you to change, but often it's for the worse. If they determine that you should have a boyfriend now, they're going to hammer home on you until you damn well get one whether you want it or not. If you think about moving, they'll make you feel guilty. It's all about what they want - and frequently it will come in the guise of "What's best for you," but really it's not.
You can tell the bad friends because you never really feel like yourself around them. You know, on some level, they're damping you down, because you can't say what's really on your mind.
But the good friends? They're there because they like you, not some edited version of you that's more to their liking. They're there to help you be more of that you - occasionally calling you on your bullshit and reining in your excesses, but generally helping you to become a happier, healthier person.
Good friends? They give you wings to fly. And God bless them, we'll all reach the skies some day.