The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - Surprise Buttsex: Surprisingly Difficult
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Surprise Buttsex: Surprisingly Difficult
It's true. The world is in love with buttsex. Specifically, surprise buttsex.
But though Teh Intarwebs are alive with surprise buttsex cat macros and demotivational posters, the actual act of surprise buttsex (alt: surprise buttsecks) is actually hard to find. After all, surprises are difficult to pull off.
Let's take a prisoner. He walks into the shower, bends over to pick up the soap, and surprise! Buttsex. But is that really a surprise? No! After all, the man's in prison. He knows buttsex is on the agenda. In fact, he's probably made preparations, Andy Dufresne-style, to avoid said buttsex. Thus, when it inevitably happens, it's not really a surprise.
I would posit, my friends, that this is unscheduled buttsex. Certainly unwanted buttsex. But a surprise? I think not.
Likewise, I know many people in BDSM relationships who claim to love the surprise buttsex. They have dominant partners who come home and just ram them through that O-ring, yanking down their pants and stinking the pink without warning. But again, covertly, these people expect this. They have a relationship that contains multitudes of unscheduled buttsex, but when it happens they're not like, "Wha? What is this you are doing, sirrah!" No, they indeed know that the buttsexing has arrived, and in that sense it's like the "surprise" party you get on your birthday when all your friends have been scurrying about and pretending to ignore you.
Once again, it's unscheduled. But is that a surprise? I say thee nay!
No, I maintain there's only one true style of surprise buttsex, and it doesn't involve any sort of innocent cavorting, as shown erroneously by the many photos 'pon the Internet. That surprise buttsex is the only kind that really matters, the font from which all other buttsexen flow: the wayward thrust.
I've done it myself. Twice. You're arriving from behind, the girl is quite moist, and the two of you are enthusiastically coupling. And you pull out just a little too hard, and she's a little too lubricated for her own good, and when you ram little Elvis home you discover you have docked, erroneously, in the wrong place.
You can tell when it's happened. There's no full-body tense quite like a surprise buttsex tense. They become, for a moment, as immobile as a china doll, all their muscles locked into place, as you realize you've achieved the whole, up-to-the-hilt buttsexing without an instant of foreplay or warning. They make no noise, their lungs as locked as the rest of their body by this sudden invasion. And then, in a strangled voice, they ask you to remove the protuberance.
That is a true surprise, my friends. But it doesn't involve foxes frolicking merrily, or even the Burger King man leaping at you from behind. No, this is a very special moment you've shared with your loved one, a time so intimate you wouldn't dare cat macro it. In fact, you won't even share it with strangers, so personal and and beautiful is this instant.
Just you. And her. And one big ol' surprise rammed halfway up her colon. That is the beauty of surprise buttsex.
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One of the Spike and Mike Sick And Twisted Animation Festivals featured a short film on just that subject. Check out "Wrong Hole" one of these days.
OMG...thank you! This was a much needed hysterical read!
oh holy crap, I needed a laugh like that this morning!!
...raylene
I've done it myself. Twice. You're arriving from behind, the girl is quite moist, and the two of you are enthusiastically coupling. And you pull out just a little too hard, and she's a little too lubricated for her own good, and when you ram little Elvis home you discover you have docked, erroneously, in the wrong place.
It can still be a surprise (on her part) if the docking is not erroneous (on your part).
But then it's called sexual assault.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/37718801/445887) | | From: | ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) streon |
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| Date: | March 11th, 2008 01:24 pm (UTC) |
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I can't believe you invoked the Burger King!
Fantastic piece.
I can't wait to get home so I can see these images -- theferrett.com is blocked here at work.
Is one of them of Calvin & Hobbes?
Edited at 2008-03-11 02:02 pm (UTC)
I have the same problem. Try Browser Proxy. It circumvents the blocks at my office.
I recall reading of a zoo keeper who was assaulted by a gorilla whilst cleaning the fellow's cage. As the story went, the young man was tossed about, depantsed and then rather vigorously raped by the beast. Perhaps the story is anachronistic, but I would suggest that were it not, it was most certainly a surprise.
I saw a video where a drunk guy taunting a donkey learns the painful way about donkey penis size. You can't see much, luckily, but the video is hilarious.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/65619055/39212) | | From: | safti |
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| Date: | March 11th, 2008 02:08 pm (UTC) |
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There's no full-body tense quite like a surprise buttsex tense. They become, for a moment, as immobile as a china doll, all their muscles locked into place, as you realize you've achieved the whole, up-to-the-hilt buttsexing without an instant of foreplay or warning. They make no noise, their lungs as locked as the rest of their body by this sudden invasion. And then, in a strangled voice, they ask you to remove the protuberance.
Or, in my case, when this happened to me with an ex, they scream at the tops of their lungs and throw themselves onto their stomach and attempt to get as far away as possible with their legs clamped shut and their bellies against the carpet while bursting into tears.
. . . he was a big boy.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/82771973/446406) | | From: | zoethe |
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| Date: | March 11th, 2008 02:46 pm (UTC) |
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This is more how I remember it, actually....
I knew a guy, last name of Crockett (you can already tell this story is going to end badly), who, on a hookup, did a superb job of, well, fingering the young lady he was with. She was certanly enjoying herself, and so was he, right up until she told him where his fingers actually WERE.
So for the rest of his college career? Yeah, "Wrong Socket Crockett".
this comment is the reason i shouldn't read livejournal in class.
In fact, you won't even share it with strangers, so personal and and beautiful is this instant.On this point, you are wrong. I present to you, Exhibit A.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/80283802/830039) | | From: | boutell |
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| Date: | March 11th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC) |
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What I love about Exhibit A is that the usual thing was the "wrong hole" in this case.
Brilliant essay, Ferrett!
I can't say that a "surprise buttsecks" post by you is a surprise...
But I wasn't expecting it.
Thanks for the laugh.
***
I'm on with the new comic. I thought the last rendition of Tympany was fab.
Oh, DUDE... if there is surprise buttsecks in my future, I'm in trouble. My boyfriend's a BIG boy.
This is my favorite porn tagline:
"There is way too much ass in this movie. Not! You think thats funny, wait till you see the looks on these girls faces when they have a foot of cock in their colon."
"You think thats funny, wait till you see the looks on these girls faces when they have a foot of cock in their colon."
"And wait until the guys realized we found girls who don't wipe!"
This was beautiful man, simply beautiful. I haven't laughed this hard, while simultaneously shaking my head in embarrassment (having had an "accident" myself) in a long time.
Good show!
Hysterical.
But (heh) what about the urban legend of the college roommate slipping you roofies or ether and having his way with you whilst you sleep? I would submit that that is valid surprise buttsecks as well, at least when you find out it occurred.
| From: | lotrfan |
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| Date: | March 11th, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC) |
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A bit like an earlier comment. I wouldn't so much call that surprise buttsex. I'd call it rape.
Oh, come on. Not even a link back to a fellow buttsecks-posting comment whore?
Thank goodness, in the annals (anals?) of my sexual history, such an episode has never occurred. I really hope it never does.
Wow, this is hillarious! and so, so TRUE!
Thanks for the uncontrollable laughter :)
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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| Date: | March 11th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC) |
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This can also happen if the guy is kneeling, and the woman is on her back with her legs over his shoulders.
I think I read somewhere that this kind of suprise buttsex actually has a name: It's called the "Dolphin", due to the sudden jackknifing and "eee-eee'ing" of the unprepared recipient.
| From: | (Anonymous) |
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| Date: | April 17th, 2008 07:21 am (UTC) |
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with no dis respect, your an idoiot..bite my left one and go to school for porn.... the south shall rise again, and then the rest of you ignorant democratic librals are screwed! hope your yoga classes taught you something about defending your ass's casue your gonna need it |
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