The Watchtower of Destruction: The Ferrett's Journal - A Story And A Query: Your Worst Moment During Sex?
August 24th, 2003
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A Story And A Query: Your Worst Moment During Sex?

If I had to reduce my life down to two stories, I know what I would choose. One has already been written; the other I have never set to paper, since whenever I write down one of my best stories I can no longer tell it at parties. I launch into my funniest anecdotes, and people just wave their hand and say, "Oh yeah, I read that."

But this is one of my favorite stories ever - and I write it down now because it is my most embarassing sex story. It occurred to me that I want to hear yours. At the end of this entry, there is an anonymous comments feature enabled: Tell me the most hideously embarassing thing that's happened to you during, or in the pursuit of, sex.

The Ferrett's Story
Bari and I broke up so often, our friends had rules on how to handle us:

  • Say nothing.
  • Do not date either of them.
  • Keep inviting them both to parties, same as always.

It wasn't that our breakups weren't serious; oh, they were so serious that they frequently involved three-hour shouting matches, suicide attempts in public places, and very often thrown items. Our breakups were like Amish barn raisings; if you were there, you were gonna lend a hand.

But the fireworks appeared to be some kind of crazy mating ritual. Bari and I would part, angry and furious and determined never to speak to each other again... And then we'd go to a party. We'd both be horny and angry, and nobody at the party would be interested in us. As the night went on, we'd look at each other across a room and remember the main thing that defined our relationship back then:

The best goddamned sex ever.

Bari and I were magnificent in bed, Olympic-quality. And as we all know, make-up sex is the best sex you can have - a gumbo of resentment, desperation, and love that becomes a sweet, sticky fucknectar. We'd have the best intentions, we'd both know this was bad for us... But near the end of the night, we'd be making out on the couch furiously, and sometimes we'd just go out and hump in the car.

Our genitals were magnets, drawn to each other despite any intervening forces.

But this breakup was different: She had dumped me.

I was always the one who decided that it was time to call it off, that our arguments were getting too pitched. The deal might have been engraved on stone tablets in Moses' handwriting: I, Ferrett, will dump thee and thou shalt lament my loss and crieth how thou needest me....

Nope. She just said, "This is bullshit," and left. And I was absolutely devastated.

I staggered into my friends' apartment, my cheeks stained a blotchy red from dried tears. They didn't even look up from their "Simpsons" reruns, completely used to my bimonthly Bari hystrionics... But their eyebrows raised when I upended an entire bottle of Scotch, dumping an entire pint of alcohol into my stomach, then shouted, "All right - where's more?"

They realized that triage was needed.

Wisely, my friends told me that more alcohol was nowhere to be found, but informed me that they did have some pot. Fine by me; I was so pissed-off and hurt that the only way I could work through it was to just obliterate my mind. I took at least eight deep hits, and held them until the room spun. And then it was time to go out.

I had emceed the Rocky Horror Picture Show for four years and had met a great deal of friends throught it... But over time, we'd grown bored with the RHPS itself and had just taken to showing up Fridays and Saturdays with a lot of booze. Sometimes we'd stay in the parking lot, sometimes we'd wander through the lobby, and occasionally we'd go in and work the show if we were in the mood, but the theater was unmistakably The Place To Be on Fridays and Saturdays. It was like a private club where the owner was too afraid to tell us to leave.

By the time I got to the theater, the world had narrowed to a crawl. The alcohol had threaded through my veins, lacing with the pot to present a surreal experience. Sections of my brain were shutting down like the Northeast Power Outage. Time stuttered and slowed, and all I remember is a series of snapshots....

  • Me, stumbling out of the van and saying hello to some people.
  • Me and my friends, meeting up with a new group of Rocky Horror fans, chatting animatedly.
  • Me, talking with this girl from the new group, her leaning against a railing as I told her slurred jokes...
  • ...Me and the same girl - although much farther out in the parking lot this time, our friends a distant speck....

I woke up in the theater during the Time Warp. Everyone was at the front of the theater, dancing and jumping, but for some reason my pants were down around my ankles.

And there was a head in my lap.

It took me a moment to realize that there was not only a head in my lap, but it was bobbing up and down and sucking my penis.

I checked in with my penis, asking, "Hey, can you give me status here?" It informed me cheerfully that this was go-around #2. It thought. Could be #3, but the drink made it kind of hard to tell.

Then, still a little slow on the uptake, I realized that I was getting blown in the middle row of a theater by a total stranger during the Time Warp. And I had evidently bonded with this woman; there was no shame in her enthusiastic choad-chowing. She was going at it with a fearful lack of restraint, and I had a sinking feeling that I was the one who had encouraged her to do this.

Apparently, I had discovered an alternative to Bari.

Damn you, alcoholic blackouts!

In any case, I was stumped. I had no idea who this mystery cocksucker was... But it seemed unseemly to just grab her by the hair, lift her up, and say, "Say... Who are you?" I sorted through my memories, trying to recall if I had gotten her name, but I didn't even remember meeting her. As of this moment in time, all I knew about this woman was what the back of her head looked like.

Was there some sort of Miss Manners etiquette to asking the name of an anonymous fellatist? I couldn't think of any. And time was creeping up on me; in a few scant moments the Time Warp would be over, and I sort of got the feeling that she really liked the idea of getting caught by a crowd of fifty people.

I froze, trying to act like I was into it, bucking my hips - which would buy me time. I knew what I would do - I'd try to ease her off the tip of Little Elvis by claiming that I wanted to take her in back, and then I'd hope we'd run into someone along the way who might explain what happened.

I tapped her on her neck. "Um... Excuse me..."

That's when I felt a pair of rapturously-familiar arms wrap themselves around my neck in a tight, joyous hug. "Oh, Ferrett!" Bari said. "I'm sorry for what I said. I - "

She looked down. The mystery woman looked up.

There was an awkward silence, made even more awkward when I realized they were expecting an introduction.

(Later on, I asked around and it turned out that during my blackout, I had grabbed this woman by the hand, swept my way into the women's bathroom, and proceeded to fuck her so thoroughly that everyone who entered the theater that day heard her shrieking out my name at the top of her lungs. She was, apparently, quite well-known for her willingness to go off with strange men, and I had to get myself tested for VD afterwards. I gave her a fake phone number and promised to call; I never did get her name.)

So. I've shared.

What's your most embarassing sex story?

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

(191 shouts of denial | Tell me I'm full of it)

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From:sapphireskies
Date:March 26th, 2004 03:09 am (UTC)
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somehow i stumbed across this journal, and i've spent the entire afternoon reading this. haha. i can't believe i'm actually responding. out of protection of the very guilty, i'm not saying any names.

as i am rarely ever embarassed, i can't really narrow down one... but i do have a couple that are more uncomfortable than embarassing.

1) i guess sometime in 01, i was around 16... my now ex-boyfriend and i had been dating around 6 months. my mom and husband were somewhere, and my brother and i were staying with dad in his apartment for the 'time' they were gone. my boyfriend was living three hours away from me by then, and i chose not to tell dad that he was in town. i just disappeared for the day, "out with friends", and we went by my house and fooled around in my room. i hadn't realized that mom asked dad and my brother to keep an eye on the house while they were gone, and they decided to come by and feed the cats. yep, and my dad saw my boyfriend's car in the driveway -- indeed, i was dating a genuis -- and came upstairs to investigate. the fact that we weren't having sex -- i remained a virgin for a few more months -- was irrelevant at that point, because i'd never seen dad that angry.

2) this is fairly recent. when i was seeing this one guy over christmas, i was at his house just about every night. he lived with his mom, dad, and sister, and he claimed his parents were way cool about sex. well, they were, but every time he'd hear his sister's voice outside his door -- her room was next to his -- he'd... *makes the sound a balloon makes when deflating* and one time, he just rolled over and flipped on the tv.

3) when i was with a guy friend -- lol. he never really made it clear when he came, and continued thrusting; he just seemed less into it. i felt weird, but i had to ask, "did you?"
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 25th, 2004 10:34 pm (UTC)
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OK i too have been reading these all day and have a few of my own.
#1 So a few months ago i was haveing a steamy make out session with my boyfriend (we're still together... believe it or not)and it led to a combination of him fingering me and eating me out and me giving him head and handjobs and... that sort of thing. So after a while he came all over the two of us.... right when my dog runds down the stairs and starts jumping all over us... and drops his dog bone in it. A few seconds later my 12 year old sister runs down the stairs... very suspicious of us. He grabbs a pillow to cover himself... and i tell my sis to get out, she doesn't, starts asking what the hell is he hideing under that pillow. I quickly have to button everything before she got there, and pull my sister who was repedidly tugging on the pillow he was covering himself with. Im still 15 (i have a late birthday) and my sister is much smaller than me dispite the small age difference. I manage to pick her up and carry her to the other side of the room while he fixes himself and starts playing with the dog (whos still there). We managed to come up with some excuse like he was holding the dog bone and hideing it from reggie (the dog, a boston terrior so he wasn't that big.) To this day i still think my sister knew what was going on.

#2 So this one was a little later in the relationship, and we're back on the couch again with my boyfriend fingering me and eating me out. I guess hes into the rough thing, cause he wasn't being very gentle (i didnt mind X)) and he was altering eating me out and fingering me. After he was fingering me he starts eating me out and pops his head up with a rather startled look on his face, i asked him what was wrong and he said he taists blood. Looking at his hand he sees blood, and runs himself up the stairs to go rince out his mouth and hand. i wanted to DIE. Later on, i consolted my friend about it (knows a lot about this stuff somehow though hasn't been with many guys) and we came to the conclusion that he popped my cherry!! I consolted him a few weeks later, and he said thats what he'd figured too.

We're still dateing, and he still teases me about both insidences to this day.
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From:dariajun
Date:June 9th, 2004 09:43 pm (UTC)

story #1

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Oh man, well you know where I'm from, so I'll tell you a couple of stories.

1.
So my last ex has this amazing capability to have sex 3 or 4 times in a row while maintaining rockhard erections, so usually we'd be able to finish the first one off anywhere between 5 and 10 minutes, and then the next one could go on as long as maybe 15 - 20 minutes. We started dating in the middle of senior year in high school, and that year was also when I first got my car so the possibilities in the car was pretty much endless. We were also in LA which has the most anal cops (I believe) so that kinda dampens our "freedom", but we found a place in a huge park. This park in LA is known as the biggest public recreational park in the nation (or something like that), so there are about 20 or 30 (?) separate parking lots across the place and there's one that we were particularly fond of, and also realized that after about 10pm at night all the lights in that area would get turned off, leaving that spot in pitch blackness. So we'd go there about everynight, and usually about 10 other cars would be there or come and go doing exactly what we were doing, and it was great because it was like a little community of sexathons. Sometimes the park ranger would drive by, but if we stayed low enough they'd just go away. One night the lot was completely empty, so we thought yay now we don't have to worry about noise so much, and so we do our initial go, and I start shuffling towards the driver's seat when I ask him shall we go again, and after about few seconds of debate I decided I was still too horny so we went again, and we got really lost in ourselves this time. So my shirt is completely unbuttoned and otherwise I'm only wearing my bra, and his pants are completely off but he's still wearing his shirt and he finally cums on me leaving a huge long streak from the middle of my collarbone down past my bellybutton. And IMMEDIATELY after we see a huge flash of light and a car swerves and slams on the brakes and parks right next to us, and my bf says "OH FUCK" while I just go "meh". Now imagine a really tiny version of Danny DeVito in a park ranger outfit who jumps out of his car and shines his flashlight on my torso, which, as I just described, has this nice streak of cum. And right now my bf was nice and panting, his head covered in sweat, and I'm just in that nice fuzzy recovery state and really just chilling there. And the park ranger goes on his spew about the law, and due to the fact that my bf at the time was 17 while I was 18, he could press statutory rape charges, etc etc, and he blabbed on for about 15 minutes, mind you, his flashlight NEVER moved from my torso, which I was quite bothered about. He finally told us to dress and get out of the park. Not that he couldn't do anything about the law anyway seeing how he's just a park ranger haha. Looking back at it it's really funny how it happened, and if I ever make a movie one day, I might just put that scene in.
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From:dariajun
Date:June 9th, 2004 09:43 pm (UTC)

story #2

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2.
So now, my current bf gives the greatest rough sex. He is most unbelievably strong, without those superficial muscles (I really don't go for those), and I'm not sure if he realizes how loud he can breathe/grunt, but hey it turns me on greatly so I'm not going to bring it up. The problem is, of course, the classic roommate scenario. So his apt (they're moving out of it soon, and I know he insists on having his own room in the new place) is a two bedroom place, with two people in each room. The rooms are pretty small, and there's a living room with a kitchenette, and then a bathroom. It's very rare that there would be a moment when all three of his roommates would be out, much less the roommate he's sharing the room with, but luckily they usually go to sleep somewhat early so about 3 in the morning we'll sneak into the bathroom, which I'm sure echoes like hell. But one night we were getting pretty antsy, and decided to do it right in the living room and on the couch that we'd been cuddling on. Nevermind the fact that the rooms themselves don't have proper doors, just flat panels that slide shut (his own room is a glass panel). And also, we turned off all the lights in the apt, but right outside the window across the street is an extremely bright street lamp that shines across the living room. So we were in the classic position of me with most of my back lying on the couch, my right leg propped up on his shoulder, while he's holding my hips and he's on his knees just pumping it right in. I'm completely naked, but he was clothed at the time for some reason. Right in the middle of it, one of his roommates from the other room walks right out and goes to the refridgerator and pours himself something to drink and walks back into his room. So picture the scene where the roommate is off to my left, my right leg is perched on my bf's shoulder, the light from the street is CLEARLY shining on my leg and my chest, they're both bare, my bf's just grinding away, and of course, with the noise we were making (we both breathe loudly, I take care not to moan in that place) we didn't notice the roommate until the roommate was halfway to the fridge. And oh it gets better. At this point I know I'm already caught so I don't move, but my bf (his first time) immediately tries to cover himself and me (seeing how I'm the naked one) with the blanket that we were lying on, so there's this HUGE shuffle and probably more noise as he scrambles. The roommate was wise enough to just block us out completely, and when he went back in we just finished up on the couch. There was absolutely no way that he could have not noticed, but he never mentioned it, and was probably glad that my bf had his clothes on, but that amused me for a good long while.
From:flowerynoontide
Date:June 16th, 2004 05:40 pm (UTC)
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my boyfriend was going down on me, and we got caught by his ex-boyfriend. on his bed.
oops.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 17th, 2004 12:37 am (UTC)

A Whore's Tale

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Story 1, Part 1: Okay, so I was a whore. Not so much anymore. But there was a time in my life where I would do anything. Male, female, tall, short - you get the picture. Anyway, I was at a gay-straight alliance social (I should mention that I attend a residential highschool) where people from off campus could come check out our gay-straight alliance. I attended. Oh, and I was hot. Not to toot my own horn or anything. I got there and there was a combination of college juniors (a.k.a. Grand Seniors) talking to the president of our Gay-Straight Alliance and high schoolers. There was one attractive person that did not attend my school - and he brought his girlfriend. Well, I was disappointed, but determined. I sat talking to this one child who would looked as though he was made of large amounts of flubber and who was interested in attending my lovely high school. He quoted every famous porno in the fateful line: "So, can I see someone's room?" so being the kind fellow that I am, I offered to show him mine. We went back to my room and started making out (duh). He had to leave soon, so we couldn't get far. We ended up on my futon, going down on each other. It is here that I should mention that I am oversexed. It takes a lot for me to get excited during sexual activities but I am very good at faking it. So he thought he was doing very well, but I had my head off of the back of the futon, under my roommate's desk, reading his Physics textbook. Whenever I had to turn pages I would moan extra loudly to hide the noise. Anyway, we stopped our little oral escapades when he said "So, do you do anal?" My immediate response was "fuck you, wait, no. I really don't want my penis lost in your mass" though I was swift enough to keep my comments to myself. I simply smiled. He got up, and I gave him a series of random digits that he took for my phone number.

Story 1, Part two: Oh yes, part two. A few weeks later I got a call on the hall phone. He had tracked me down.

Story 1, Part three: So I am co-president of the infamous GSA for next year. My co-president met her girlfriend at this social that I attended and said girlfriend has a big mouth. Girlfriend also happens to be my friends with my boyfriend. One day, they were at my boyfriend's house and talking to my co-president when they mentioned something about me. The Girlfriend said "Wait, is this who you're talking about?" and sent my co-president a picture of me that my boyfriend had. Co-President responded affirmatively. Girlfriend told my Boyfriend about Flubber-Man. Somehow, boyfriend and I are still together.

Story Two: Change genders! So I have this friend, and we had to have sex at least once. It was a given. So we were walking along and said "Hey, no one's down here... ever have sex in a bathroom?" Oddly enough, neither of us had. So we were on the floor, pounding away, when I look over and see... a cockroach. Dead. My penis has never deflated so quickly. I tried to get over it... but everytime we would start again I would picture the cockroach. My friend and I now have the best inside joke, though we have not had sex again.

Story Three: So I was with this guy in his room, "caressing" his body, which also included sticking my tongue places - nipple, belly button, etc - and massaching... places. Towards the end I was massaging his upper chest and looked down to find that my eyes were over his belly button. His lint filled belly button. The belly button that I had recently had my tongue in. Needless to say that was over quickly.
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From:coleygirl0769
Date:August 2nd, 2004 05:22 am (UTC)
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me and this guy jay had been dating for awhile and we were driving home from a party in boone town so we were taking back roads to get home. and he wanted me to give him head so i agreed. so i went on doing that and right befor he was about to cum he hit a pot hole and when he came my head was in the air and i got a face full......
From:bmacd
Date:August 12th, 2004 10:21 pm (UTC)
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cliff's notes: my first time having sex was in a cemetary with a married chick from work. read on if you want the full story.

i was 21 when i first had sex. I grew up in Catholic family where sex was a "sacred" act between two lovers. I've had plenty of opportunities to have sex in the past, but i got stuck on the mentality of "if we're not in love, we shouldn't be f*cking". That didn't last long after I turned 21 ;)

There was this married chick at work with big, beautiful breasts. She was great looking, funny, sweet, caring and...MARRIED! The ring on her finger didn't seem to stop her from always rubbing my ass, grabbing my crotch, licking my ear, or anything else while we were at work. One day after her shift ended, she sent me a text message on my phone, "i want you right now". Confused, i replied with "like RIGHT now?" She quickly replied with a "i'm wet thinking about you", and I found somebody to cover me for 15 minutes while I went outside to see her waiting in her minivan.

We ended up making out...then she gave me a killer handjob. She was like crack...i just had to have more, despite knowing she was married with two young girls. We made plans for our next date, and ended up going to the local Fair (amusement park).

I swear I could have won the Guiness record for holding the longest erection on our date at the fair. She'd stand in front of me while waiting in line for the rides, and she'd have her hand in my pants, jerking me off, but knowing when to stop to keep me wanting more. She knew she was going to put out that night, but insisted on hitting the beer tent, which was a great thing b/c i started to lose my "love" inhibitions.

I slammed two pitchers of beer while she sipped on her Smirnoff Twisted. Still buzzing, we got in the car and headed back to where i parked my car (work parking lot). We started fooling around there, but it was awkward since the parking lot sweeping crew were outside cleaning the lot, so we decided to go somewhere else. She started driving...and at this point, I just wanted to goto bed and fall asleep. I was coherent enough to realize she passed by my house, and questioned why she didn't drop me off, but she was rubbing my leg and managed to relax me into a quick nap.

The car was parked, and she woke me up to some kissing on my neck. Things started to get hot and heavy in the car, so we got out of the car and took it to the next level. She was already wet, and apparently pretty horny, and she wanted me to nail her right then..skipping right over the foreplay. She insisted on me being on top, saying she was a bad lead, so I tried finding a rhythm we could both work with. I happened to look up and see a light out of the corner of my eye, and still a little buzzed, i strained to see where i was.

Confused, I looked around to confirm my suspicions...we were in a cemetary! It was so disgusting that I pulled out and rolled over on my back. In shock, i just layed there, motionless. She ended up finishing up with a killer blowjob, but it was still a rough night. It wasn't long before she told most of my coworkers about the story, and both of our reputations were ruined (hers for cheating on her husband, and mine for f*cking in a cemetary).

It's now a joke between my friends and girlfriend, who jokingly asks if I want sex everytime we pass a cemetary.
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From:sivi_volk
Date:April 22nd, 2005 04:14 am (UTC)
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*blink* Okay, so the adultery isn't so cool, but what's wrong with sex in a cemetary?
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From:elfwench
Date:September 11th, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC)

My Embarrassing Sex Story.

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OK, mine isn't too fantastic... not in light of some of the others here: There's no blood or vomiting.

I was with my new fiance, now my husband, and we had been at a coven retreat that day. Everyone had brought goodies to share, and one of the things that he brought with him was venison jerky. There was mild and hot, and two or three gallon sized bags of each. I inadvertantly took some of the hot, and it was so hot that I ran across the room and grabbed his soda out of his hands and downed about half of it. Then that familiar after taste hit me: NutraSweet. I looked at the can of Diet Coke in horror, and said, "Oh shit!" as it hit me what I'd just consumed, and knew how I reacted to it.

"What? What's the matter?" he asked.

"Oh... nothing." I said, embarrassed and not certain how to explain, and I wandered off, hoping the inevitable wouldn't happen.

Fast forward... Later that night, we ended up staying at a nearby motel because in all honesty, it was nasty weather not fit for driving in at night. As I am riding high and mighty on top of him I get sparks before my eyes and the world, save for the sparks, faded way.

Meanwhile he thought he had the wonder dick as I twitched on top of him in what he assumed was orgasmic glee, my eyes rolled back in my head. Indeed, up til that point I'd had quite a few orgasms during our play that night so it wasn't that far fetched a notion...

Until I fell off of him, and still was twitching and writhing about, but not - he realized, to his horror - in an erotic or orgasmic way.

I came to just as he was contemplating calling 911 and he looked at me and asked if I was okay, what happened. etc.

I looked at him uncertainly and recognized the familiar metallic taste in my mouth, I knew what happened. And I remembered the Diet Coke.

"It was just a seizure," I replied when I was finally able to speak.

And that, my friends, is how he found out that I'm epileptic and intolerant to NutraSweet.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:September 23rd, 2004 06:35 pm (UTC)
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My husband/then boyfriend and I went to help his psycho uncle move for three days. His uncle hadn't packed anything and we only ended up sleeping those three days for about 4 hours total. After the third night, we had reservations for a short trip to Disneyland that couldn't be rescheduled. Psycho uncle went psycho and we left for our mini-vacation.

We drove 6 hours on that little sleep to get to Disneyland, and after a day at the park, we went back to our hotel room. Both of us were exhausted, but husband/then boyfriend wasn't going to squander our first away trip together.

Thus follows is the entire recap of that night's activities.

him: "Is it in...?"

long pause

me: "yes..."

even longer pause

him: "nevermind..." then rolls over and starts snoring.
(Deleted comment)
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From:mrmunkeepants
Date:November 11th, 2004 10:02 pm (UTC)
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best story yet! I stumbled on this post yesterday, but hadn't laughed out loud until I got to the your post - and the last story!
From:barryr
Date:September 24th, 2004 02:03 am (UTC)
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I don't have much, considering my experiences with sex are limited to a long weekend with my ex- then I went back to college to complete my final exams, and she cheated on me and we broke up before I could gather up the money to visit again.

Still, our experiences were fairly interesting, considering it was both our first times. Well, literally for me and technically for her- she'd had sex previously, but she was bi and had only had a girlfriend before me. So there was a lot of learning.

Though I never got the chance to fess up the true reasons, I had trouble keeping an erection in most of our times together. Only later did I figure out the pattern- we'd been in bed most of the long weekend, very reluctant to leave the room for anything (she had 3 roommates elsewhere in the apartment, plus their friends at times) and I'd been neglecting to relieve myself when I needed to. And then I'd go to the bathroom, but only after we were done and settling in to socialize with the others for a few hours.

On the other hand, I was pretty damn proud to have lasted ten minutes in my first time.
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From:kyuuketsukiniko
Date:September 28th, 2004 06:29 pm (UTC)
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I'm not quite sure how I ended up here, but all of your tales amused me, and that kind of made me feel guilty, so now I'm sharing one of my own.

My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 7 months before he even touched me in a sexual way. His reasoning for it was that I was a virgin and he didn't want to hurt me or make me do anything I didn't want to do. So needless to say, once we had sex, that was all we wanted to do. I wanted to try it in the shower, so we headed off for the bathroom and got the water started. However, that led to problems on how exactly we were going to do it... he tried picking me up, but we were both too slippery, we tried standing, me hanging from the curtain rod, but that wasn't a very good position for much of anything because the tub was too small, so then we just decided to try laying down on the bottom of the tub. It would've been fine, except he moved to get himself in and the spray of water went right into my nose and mouth and I started choking. Now, that would've been bad enough except...
After my near death experience there were a lot of laughs and then we got over it and started fooling around again. That's when he went down on me... and my period started in his mouth. Ugh >_
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From:afadednegative
Date:November 3rd, 2004 04:08 am (UTC)

I know this thread is old, but I have a contribution to make

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I have two stories.
Story 1
Well, he fed me ice cream beforehand. A giant bowl with hot fudge and peanut butter and milk chocolate peanut butter cups and white chocolate peanut butter cups and whipped cream and a cherry to top it all off. Needless to say I was feeling kinda sick. Our friends Danielle and Art come over and we're all watching a movie. They're on the loveseat, us on the couch. Things were getting kind of not-in-front-of-other-people like so we went in the room next door and there I proceded to blow him. It went fine, but when he came, it hit my gag reflex. I spewed a ton. I didn't get it on him though. He realized what happened and pulled out. He then, as a reaction without thinking, to save his mom's rug, put his hands under my mouth and caught it. He then realized what he did, and was nautious over it. So he went in the other room, and I was left to clean it up.

Story 2
It's not embarrassing for me but it is for him. It was our first time having sex (same guy). My first time too. He puts it in. I wait a minute and then ask, "Is it in yet?" He's like, "Yeah, all the way."
Mind you, everyone told me sex the first time would hurt like hell at first. And it's hurt even the teeniest bit everytime since then. And some of those were only average guys.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 15th, 2004 02:29 am (UTC)
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yours is a lot more interesting than mine..

it was halloween last year and i was trick-or-treating in my best friend's neighborhood (who also happened to be a guy and i'm a girl) and he had over one of his friends and this other guy who was incredibly hot. i ended up flirting heavily with all of them that night and my mom let me sleep over. the real hot guy had to go to a football game the next morning so he couldn't stay but the other two guys did. we were flirting until 4 am when i finally passed out from exhaustion.

i woke up in the middle of the night with a hand groping up my shit and one starting to unbuckle my pants..and i knew by the touch of his hands that it was my best friend. i pretended to be asleep, not wanting to ruin the moment (i knew he wouldn't have the guts to continue if he knew i was awake) and he just continued to feel me up the whole night, taking my shirt off kissing my chest all over. at one point he was humping me, naked, and he started to cum on my back and started freaking out.

now that's not too embarrassing..except for he went to the bathroom and his friend was still in the room. he came back and went "is she ready for more" to his friend, who was watching us the whole entire time.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 15th, 2004 02:32 am (UTC)
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second paragraph..meant to say shirt not shit
From:(Anonymous)
Date:December 4th, 2004 08:18 pm (UTC)

Wandered in from the quiz

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These will never beat the ones already here but felt compelled to add to the list of stories. These all occur with the same partner, we have a bad track record when it comes to these things.

Firstly, the second either of us open our mouths (to speak) during or just after sex we say completely inappropriate things which spoil the moment and often lead to fits of giggles and pauses before we can continue. To date they have been 'I love you, and not because you just did that' and 'Wow, that was really good. I feel like I should give you a tip or something.'

Secondly we have pets. And pets that hate to be excluded. Whenever we are at mine, my three cats troop in and solemly watch or jump onto the bed and try and sit on our backs or more disturbingly disappear into the covers. My particular tabby hates to feel something exciting is going on without her so mid blow job she's jumps up onto the bed and begins to lick my cheeks, mouth and him. I don't need to remind people how rough cats tongues are.

And lastly I've just finished a blowjob and I'm debating whether I want to spit or swallow. I decide to swallow just as I feel the need to sneeze and shoot his load back onto him through my nose.
From:ex_enygma701
Date:December 10th, 2004 03:18 am (UTC)
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Since I have no shame, here goes:

I was 17 or 18 years old, and sleeping with this guy, Mark. We were both moderately interested in each other (beyond unbelievable sex, that is), but were too emotionally messed up to make a go of it.

Oh, and then there was the girlfriend he was trying to "work it out" with. Yeah, her.

One evening we're both going at it on his bed when *knockknockknock* on the door. We had been *ahem* less than quiet, so she knew someone was inside.

"Maaaark, Maaaark. It's Becky...open up! I need to talk to you."

So, knowing she knew he was home, I sequestered myself in the closet (with a peek-space open, of course). He opens the door, they start talking, then they start making out. Then they started to take off clothes while making out on the very bed we were, minutes before, having sex on. She stopped it before any clothes were successfully removed, saying "I've gotta get back to work. I'll see you tonight, baby."

She left. He came to the closet. He tried to start making out/having sex with me again.

My only response was to put up my hand and say "No. Sorry, but no...just...no."

It wasn't that I was hurt, or embarrassed, or jealous, or otherwise screwed up by the experience. It was just too freaking weird to continue.

Then there was the lover who sent his best friend up to my apartment to have sex with me (which we did). Why? Because he felt he was inadequate. Thinking back on it, he was right.
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From:redroseprincess
Date:January 19th, 2005 10:13 am (UTC)
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haha that sucks, u poor thing
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From:paul_42
Date:January 22nd, 2005 06:38 pm (UTC)

nowhere in the same ball park, but amusing

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me and my lovable girlfriend were... *ahem* enjoying ourselves by pleasing each other in my basement, lights off and then, i heard the door open to the stairs. a dim glow filters down... we both freeze. and i hear my best friend john say "Hey, Paul, is Meg over?"
"Yes..." i reply sheepishly...
"get some pants on, i need to talk to you." and me and my g/f just bust out laughing, and its been our favorite joke ever since
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From:kdsorceress
Date:May 5th, 2008 02:37 am (UTC)

Re: nowhere in the same ball park, but amusing

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Ohman, you have the greatest friend ever. I think if my best friend ever came over while I was mid-coitus, she would probably freak out.

Of course, that's probably mostly because I've always been the good one, and I don't think she's quite figured out that I kinda like sex, yep....>.>

~Sor
From:(Anonymous)
Date:May 20th, 2005 02:58 pm (UTC)

You'd think I'd learn.

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My most embarrassing story isn't as vivid as some told here, but I'll spill anyway...

My BF and I were crazed bunnies of lust. We were also exhibitionists to a certain extent -- in that we had few inhibitions about when/where (some boundaries, but few).

So, one day we were at a resort hotel at the "Happiest Damned Place in the Whole Damn World". We had been wandering around the boardwalk area, chatting and being flirty and playful, high on each other and very horny after a day of riding roller coasters. It was late -- 11 pm or midnight -- and there was virtually no one around.

Well, you can figure out what that meant to us. In a deserted corner area, there was a big overstuffed leather wingback style chair and executive's desk as decoration. The boy sat down, and I slid in under the desk and took him into my mouth.

He was really, really into it -- hands pressing the back of my head as he moaned, all muscles clenched as he teetered on the brink of orgasm ... when the Mickey Mouse security guard asked for his desk back.

Um.

Yeah.

*blush*





From:allycatt1
Date:May 22nd, 2005 04:43 pm (UTC)

kinda ick...well it used to be

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Not about me really, well sort of. When I was 12 my divorced mother had a boyfriend over one night when I was visiting from my dad's house. I could hear them screwing, across the house with two closed doors between me and the bedroom. My younger brother (8) and sister (5) and I were watching tv, my brother just turned up the volume on the tv (they lived with her full time, I guess they were used to it). I could still hear them. The next day I asked my mom if maybe she could keep it down a bit, and she replied "Sorry, dear, we'll try to make love more quietly." After that, I brought earplugs or headphones when I visited. It always seemed louder at night. Not that my dad was neccessarily an improvement. At age 60 now, he's still one of the most devout practitioners of serial monogamy I know. A girlfriend of his once asked ME for birth control advice (she was like 40 years old). It stopped bothering me mostly since I grew up and figured out adults, parents in particular, are human. Still hearing your mother scream "Ohh OHHH don't stop DON'T STOP OHHH..." is memorable.
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From:biscayne
Date:June 8th, 2005 05:14 am (UTC)
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I have no story to tell since I am a virgin. But I've been highly amused by some of the stories here.
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From:fyre
Date:July 24th, 2005 02:37 pm (UTC)

What the hell...

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old thread, but here goes.

Went down to Georgia to visit a woman I had met on LJ...
thankfully it worked out, we're very much in love.

My last night there - after we had been fucking like bunnies for the past nine days (we lost track around 15 times, and probably hit at least 30 times in 10 days. go me) - I was rather sore. I took a zanaflex, which is a muscle relaxer, and about two hours later we went to bed. As this was my last night there, we started cuddling and snuggling. One thing led to another, and I was getting her off. Then, I crawled up her body, slipped it in, and started going to town. About a half hour later, I was running out of steam. My dick was only about 3/4 hard, and I just. couldn't. cum. I started trying every trick I knew to get myself off... I finally collapsed, exhausted, over her, going "goddamnit, baby, I just can't cum." She - of course - laughed like crazy, realizing what was wrong.

She then offered to give me a blowjob, in hopes that that would help. While it was a damned enjoyable experienced, I still didn't cum, and another half-hour later (in her mouth the entire time), I was now less than 1/2 hard, and rapidly going completely limp.

For some stupid reason I forgot three important things. 1) The penis is a muscle. 2) an orgasm is a contraction of muscles. 3) zanaflex relaxes muscles by acting on the nerves to keep them from transmitting the appropriate signals that tense the muscles.

While we both got a good laugh over it, I've really never been more embarrassed (sexually) than when I collapsed and had to say "I can't keep moving baby, and goddamnit, I just. can't. cum!"
From:cains_legacy
Date:August 27th, 2005 04:28 am (UTC)
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your a true LJ'r. *note im taking your Ultimate Livejoural quizes. ive discovered i have no shame, and that im fucking sick. but i dind't want to post it for fear my mother would read it lol. hi. you rock.
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From:amazon_42
Date:September 6th, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
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Okay, just a random surfer here from the LJ of a FOAF, but...

***CHOKE***

***SPIT COFFEE***

ROFLMAO!

Wow. This is way better than watching "Cops."

So I MUST know. What happened with Bari after that? Was it finally over for good? more importantly, did you LEARN ANYTHING?

***giggle***

Made my day BTW. I was going to kill myself but now I think I'll pick tomatoes instead.
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